I've been avoiding this, Mom.
Been spending half my time
pretending there's nothing going on
and the other half trying to figure out
what it is I'm trying to avoid.
It would be tempting to blame it all
We had fun shopping for them --
well, mostly anyway.
It took us awhile to decide
what we each wanted
but I think in the end we were
pleased with the choices we made.
And it was fun to decide
how to make them --
how to make them --
A square neck or a round one?
These sleeves or those?
A belt or no belt?
But somewhere between decisions
and seams and hems
the fun began to seep away and
The only word I could honestly give
the feeling was resentment.
After all, let's face it,
no one ever plans to make dresses
for their Dad's wedding!
As I stitched and ironed
(and used the seam ripper),
I would discover a lump forming
in my throat
and pretty soon a tear would escape
and then another and another....
If no one was around,
the tears might turn into
a full blown sobfest
but mostly I would take myself
in hand and preach.
Why am I crying anyway?
I'm happy for my Dad.
I'm glad this is happening.
I like Sara, for pete's sake!
And no, you are not going to write about this,
I would tell myself. People do not
need to know everything.
It is good to deal in facts, I believe;
to not allow oneself to wallow
in a hopeless mess of
feelings and emotions.
On the other hand, it is also good
to realize that one is human
one will have feelings and emotions
that cannot be dismissed completely even with the truthfulest of facts.
A friend of mine said it best
when I poured my feelings into
her kind ears --
"Because. It's missing your mom.
Let the grief come."
Ahhh. That is it.
It's not because I'm unhappy
about the plans,
Not because it's all so
hard and terrible,
And for sure not
It is really the simple fact that the need for these dresses
brings home the stark reality
that you are not here, Mom.
And I miss you, that is all.
And so, when the lump comes into my throat and the tears spill down my cheeks, I will allow them their place; they are necessary and healing.
But come Saturday, when we don the lovely dresses and celebrate a new beginning, I will smile with happiness in my heart for the two
special people joining hands.
Because it is okay to miss you, Mom,
and embrace the welcoming of my dad's new wife all at the same time.
And maybe it's okay for people to know everything, after all.