Tuesday, January 30, 2018

January Q & A: Guest Post

Linda and I go way back to the awkward days of early teens. We giggled together at sleep-overs (never mind shaking the front bench with our silent laughter during church) and confided in each other through the pimples and the growing pains of youth group years. We went to Bible school together and whispered our crushes and our struggles into each other's ears. We came from two very different worlds and sometimes the gap between us loomed too large to span; other times the common ground between us drew us closer than the younger sister I always wanted.

In time, we grew up, married and parted ways. Linda and I haven't seen each other for years but she is still that friend I shoot off a message to when I know no one else will understand or I desperately need someone to shoot straight with me. Without fail, she is never shocked by my messes and always tells me how to "straighten up and fly right" in the wisest way possible.

It is no surprise that I turned to her for help this month with question #10. When she answered my plea for insight with -  "I don't know that anyone did anything to help *blend* cultures. That was one of the very hard things. There was no honor given to the culture I had been raised in; everything "English" was bad, or at least needed to be examined carefully. Everything Mennonite had an air of sanctity and questioning the religion/culture line was rebellious. 
Now having said that, I have seen a *big* shift in those attitudes in our generation. There's a part of me that thinks if those in authority back then would have had this new openness, we might have stuck it out longer." I said, "Aha! Would you consider guest posting for me??"

And bless her, she did.

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If you were plucked up out of your comfortable home and community, and plopped down on the other side of the world, what would you expect? Assume the people there are believers, so you're not there as a missionary. You're just there to live. Are you going to try to change the culture to suit yourself? Are you going to try to completely change yourself to adapt to the native culture? Or do you hope to learn as you go, and find joy, acceptance, and peace?

Cultural differences can be a fascinating exploration, but it's a bit of a mine-field, too. It's so easy  to  blunder into hurtful territory, and so hard to repair the damage you might not even know you caused. The Lord has put me in a front-row seat for observing a lot of microcultures within the American macroculture. For example...

I grew up homeschooled (1). My early religious exposures were Baptist (2), then switched to Mennonite (3). Early in my childhood we lived in a mid-sized town (4), then we moved waaayyyy out in the country (5). I married a man who, like me, grew up "worldly", then joined the Mennonite church as an adult; his family has never been religious (6.5). We moved to his home state (7), halfway across the country from mine, and joined a non-denominational church with anabaptist roots (8). We didn't stay long there, and church shopped for an exhausting year before the Lord sent us our home fellowship (9). If I thought we had been cultuarally diverse before, well, our home fellowship makes it look like a walk in the park!! 

But let me back-track a little, to trying to fit in with Mennonites specifically. Please understand, this is from my personal experience. Each person, each situation, each congregation, is unique and will have its own issues, it's own highs and lows. These are things that stand out in my memory as specific issues as a young woman trying to fit in with Beachy Amish Mennonites.

The main issue: The mixture of doctrine and culture is bewildering, and often frustrating, to someone from the outside. 

I understand that the Bible has specific language about modesty, but... cape dresses?? Where is it found that we should wear solid colors? And black pantyhose is completely counter-intuitive to modesty, but whatever, I don't want the old ladies to chew me out, so just scour the shelves for the last pair of Off Black. Nevermind that I can see the Bishop's daughter's underwear right through her "modest" cape dress (don't you know she's the example to be held up to!). 

It would have helped if someone had been willing to acknowledge the difference between Biblical principals (modesty, headcovering) and cultural application (cape dresses, pleated net coverings with strings). It would have helped to feel accepted and valued while I learned the principles, before expecting me to adopt the culture. I am forever grateful to the few who patiently answered questions, pointed me to scripture, and were willing to admit when things didn't make sense-- especially when the majority were hearing the same questions and condemning me as rebellious.

There are doctirines that are applied in unique ways, for example, the holy kiss. A friend took her pre-teen son to visit a Mennonite church for the first time. He rushed up to her after the service, eyes bugging out of his head. "Mom, we have to leave right now!!!"
"What's wrong?"
"The men are KISSING EACH OTHER!!"
--It's a hilarious story, but just imagine that poor kid's panic. It helps to anticipate ways that you are different, and offer gentle explanations. Your minor discomfort may prevent another person's trauma.

There are parts of the culture that I value highly to this day. The emphasis on home and family, the sanctity of marriage, the church as a family, not just where I land on Sunday. We did life together. We sewed and cooked, tended babies and gardens, exchanged patterns, seeds, recipes, hand-me-downs, and lots of laughter and love. My church family was far closer to my heart than my blood relatives. But I still struggled to fit in.

Smaller issue: Everybody is related to somebody... except me.

The conversations with new people go like this:
Hi, my name is Linda Fletcher. (holds breath)
Fletcher?! Where are you from? (looks confused)
Arkansas (sigh)
Who are your Parents?
Carl and Debbie... (wait!)
Now, what was your mother's maiden name? (begins to look determined)
Martin, but-- (oh, boy, here we go!)
Oh, Martin!! Where was she from?
Kansas, but really---
What are your grandparents names? (looks really, really determined)
Ezra and Edna, buttheywerentMennoniteorAmish. YoudontknowmeIpromise. (Ugh!)

^^^^^ please. stop. doing. this.^^^^^
I was already an oddball, borderline pariah. There was no need to rub it in. When you meet someone new, meet the person, not their genealogy. 

Another small (not-so-small) issue: My culture is valuable, too.

It hurts, deeply, to be expected to leave everything behind. There are things that need to be left behind, but not everything, and not all at once. Be gentle. Be willing to let the Lord do the convicting. You don't have to be suspicious of everything in my past just because it's not familiar to you. Yeah, I don't need to teach your kids to sing Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, but I can still sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.

One last scandalous act, as we were leaving the Mennonite church after out marriage, was to exchange wedding rings. Why? Because my grandmother believed with all her heart that you weren't really married if you didn't exchange rings. We did it to protect her heart, to refrain from offending someone with a weaker faith. The gossip and backlash from out church families was astounding. A reception at my husband's home church was summarily cancelled. A man my husband looked up to as a father (who wasn't at the wedding, but knew about out rings in less than a week) yelled at him over the phone; he was crushed. That heart connection was completely broken. The rings have stayed.

Since then, we've become part of a fellowship of believers that is unique in it's ability to embrace differences. We come from a lot of different places, both geographically and experientially. There are families who actually practiced idol worship before they came to Christ. There is a sister who was set free from addiction and human trafficking when she met the Lord. There are those who were raised Catholic, or in a cult, or just abandoned by society altogether. 

What unites us? The Life of Jesus in our hearts. 

A few years ago I had a conversation with an older Chinese sister in our church, in which I expressed frustration with a lack of what I thought was "like-mindedness." I had deep concerns about the differences in practice between our family (lots of kids, homeschooling, wearing skirts/dresses) and a lot of the other families around the same age (more typically American). Her words resonated deep with my years of struggling to fit in with Mennonites, and completely changed my outlook for my family today. In a way, it really set me free.

"Every Christian, every true Believer, has the Life of Christ in their heart. We all share this same Life. We also have, individually, the Light that God is giving us for the path He sets us on. You do not have the same Light as I do, because we are not on the same path. The Lord may illumine the same scripture to you in a completely different way than He does to me. The scripture does not change, but our understanding may. If we try to fellowship around the Light that we have, we will quickly become frustrated. We are in totally different places. We don't match at all. How can we then walk together? We walk together in His Life. We rejoice together because He lives in us! We encourage each other to listen to the Lord, to press in and really hear Him, and then walk in that Light. That is how we can be so different, and yet still the same."

What it all boils down to, really, is our hearts. Love God, and love people. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Ask gentle, sincere, and respectful questions. Really listen to each other.

Praise God, He has not made us to be cookie-cutter Christians! The same God who created our varied and fascinating world lives in us!!

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Thank you, thank you, Linda. God bless you so much for sharing. You are a gem.

10 comments:

Pam Laurie said...

I can really relate with Linda and her journey. I have experienced some of the issues she has. I have accepted that I will never fit in the Mennonite culture. I have no past, I have no extended family members in church, in many ways I stand alone. I don't want to change people, of course I can't, but why can't we follow Christ even if we aren't just the same? I feel that if you have been blessed with a Christian heritage, with all that it entails, you should thank God every day and pray for us that have not been so blessed. Look beyond yourself and really see the love of Christ in others that are not just like you. The reason why the church is not growing is because we can't seem to follow Christ without looking at others. I have been so blessed by those who have seen pass the differences and have loved Christ with me.

Bethany Eicher said...

I love your testimony and your love for Christ, Pam. You bless me! ❤❤

Miller scribe said...

I can't say Amen! loudly enough. Love this and relate to every part of it. Even though I was raised in Anabaptist circles, moving from Mennonite to Beachy Amish made me just as "English" and suspect. Even though my married name is the oh-so-common-and-respectable Miller now, I didn't grow up in this social circle/culture and I give up trying to figure out family connections and fitting in. Thank you Bethany and Linda for this post!

Bethany Eicher said...

You are welcome. And it's so interesting to hear your perspective. We are certainly all our own brand of different!

Carol W. said...

Thank you, Bethany and Linda, for sharing your thoughts and honesty. I don't have a Mennonite background; I was brought up in a German Lutheran church community, married my first husband (now passed on) who was a Southern Baptist, joined a Church of God church after he passed, got remarried and we went to an Assembly of God church (for the wrong reason, we had friends there). My second husband is an ordained minister, but we are non-denominational now. We just love our Lord Jesus Christ and try our best to follow Him daily. My husband teaches and preaches the Bible (KJV) and does Christian counseling. I know what you mean about cultural diversity in the Christian community at large. It doesn't mean a whole lot what religious label we put on ourselves and we definitely should not be prejudiced (perhsps that's the wrong word to use) toward/about other denominations that people choose to follow. We're all Christ's children! Thank you for listening. God bless you and your families.

Tina Z. said...

LINDA!! HI!:) I appreciate hearing this perspective from you...how we who have grown up Mennonite need to HEAR those who haven't. Yes. And like Miller Scribe says....we really just need to hear each other. I am glad for maturity (for myself), although I pry will still make mistakes.:( Maybe you have more perspectives i ought to hear..? (It was good to hear from you.:))♡

Linda said...

Thanks, Matina. I'm glad for maturity, too!! Most of what I think about my past is just thankfulness that I grew and changed. I don't know what you know about our current circumstances (not trying to get into that here) but I can say with confidence that the Lord used my hard experiences *then* to prepare me for the hard things *now*. I already know--at least in part, not saying I'm done with this lesson!--that I can rest in the Lord's plan being way bigger than I can understand. I know that somewhere, somehow, someday God is going to get a whole lot of glory for the things that break my heart. I may not see it in my lifetime, or may not see how He uses things to change others... My job is to give Him glory.

It blesses me to know that these conversations are finally happening on a larger scale than just long-ago sleep overs. :) Maybe people will hear, maybe not. Time and distance have made bluntness less scary; there isn't a big social risk to me anymore. And better for me to be the bad guy who says this stuff than someone who is still trying to make a go of it in the Mennonite culture. I pray it can be a place for the conversations to start with those who might never have asked questions to begin with.

Betsy said...

This is such an interesting perspective. We belong to a non-denominational church and the various backgrounds there are amazing to behold. I think in many ways we are too accepting of those who are different, without expecting change because we don't want to offend them. So we end up looking just like the world with very immodest dress, language and actions. However, there is a fine line between Biblical principals and manmade doctrine as you have pointed out. I'm the only skirt wearer/head-covering woman in our congregation and people look at me as if I'm the strange one and ignore the short shorts and bare navals! Hmmmm. Confusing to say the least.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Things can't change if no one is willing to listen.
Blessings,
Betsy

Linda said...

I have to wonder what right *we* have to require anyone else to change what they are doing? What kind of change do we want to see? And why are we afraid of offending each other **if** what we are bringing to attention is motivated by the love of Christ? But if our motivation is condemnation and fleshly irritation, then we have no place speaking out. It is better to speak heart-to-heart, about our hearts, than to criticize what our earthly eyes can see.
"How is your heart," is a far more important question, whether you ask it directly or just wonder to yourself. "How is your heart," is of *infinite* more importance than, "What are you wearing?"
May I suggest, then, that we get brave enough to share our hearts with each other. Maybe we will be hurt sometimes, but maybe the Lord will use our transparency to encourage someone who is struggling with their faith. Maybe we will be criticised, but then we have an opportunity to extend grace.
It's about hearts. It's about knowing Jesus, and His blood applied to my heart for the fforgivness of sin. It's about learning to trust Him, and to hear His voice. It's about knowing His love. It's about showing others His love.
It's about hearts. None of the things we do to try to be right are worth anything. I can work, work, work to do all the right things, but still have a filthy, depraved, unchanged heart. Nothing I do to look a certain way, or sound a certain way, nothing I avoid to try and make myself holy will ever, ever, *ever* actually make me holy.
If Jesus doesn't change my heart, nothing. else. matters. If Jesus doesn't change my heart, I am *lost*. I'm just as lost in a cape dress as I am in a crop top and short shorts. I'm just as lost in a headcovering as I am with a purple pixie cut.
It's about hearts.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your question and answer posts for January. Thank you for taking the time to do that. I really enjoy your blog:-)