*ETA - Clarification: As this question was submitted by a Mennonite and I am one as well, this whole post is from a completely Mennonite perspective.
Question #3:
"I am sure you're aware of how dating has changed in our short life span. Any more, it seems like perfection of character is extremely important. To date someone is almost like deciding if you're going to marry them. And while it is indeed an important matter, it seems like it's gone farther than discerning God's will for my life and learning to know someone better. I hope this all makes sense. So my question is, what can I as a parent do to help my children have a proper and healthy view of dating?"
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Short answer? You and your husband must have a healthy view of dating. ☺
Long answer? Well..... This is the first "hard" question I've tackled this month (there's more coming!) and it is awfully hard for me to just put my ideas out here and not feel like a big know it all. Then again, maybe someone who voluntarily offers to answer people's questions is automatically a know it all, I don't know? I don't pretend to have all the answers to this question but I will share some of my thoughts with you.
I live with a man who firmly believes that any godly, Christian man and woman could date, marry and live happily together. That's a pretty far cry from the common/popular view of dating. His view might appear to be a little over simplified on the opposite spectrum but I think it is actually true and a much healthier view of dating and marriage.
Does that sound crazy?
I don't believe that there was one 'Mr. Right' out there for me. I think there were other men I could have married and enjoyed a happy marriage with. That's a mouthful, I know. A mouthful that probably needs some clarification.
I'm not talking about promoting carelessness and flippancy in dating and marriage. I'm not saying that I think I could have married any old boy that came along and expected a wonderful marriage. What I am saying is this: I believe there were lots of godly young men with solid, Christian values who I could have dated, married and lived happily with. Each one would have come with a unique set of struggles to work through and issues to deal with -- my marriage and the Bethany that I know would look different than they do today -- but that's what you do in a marriage no matter who your partner is.
Now I'm guessing if I had just completely gone for looks or reputation or - I don't know - wealth, with no regard for same values, the struggles and issues may have been a lot larger and harder. It does matter who you marry; you are entering a life time commitment. But I think there is a lot more room within the perimeters of God's Will for a life partner than most people's view of dating allows.
A little personal story here... I remember in our early years of marriage struggling majorly with the idea that I had married the wrong man. Here I was now, stuck, and nothing could be done about it. Suddenly it was as if the Lord said to me, "No. He is a good man; a godly man. You are married to him. Therefore, he is the right man."
Do you feel like I am straying from answering the question? Here's my point. I think we've turned dating into this huge, paralyzing decision that has to be gotten just right or it's all wrong. I think the 'Mr/Miss Right' idea plays into that heavily.
How do we teach our children?
Well, I think the answer to that has a lot to do with my short answer to this question. It is impossible to teach something if you don't believe in it yourself and a lot of us parents act like we don't believe it.
I understand why, don't get me wrong. I am not there yet, but I can only imagine how hard it will be to meet the person my son or daughter wants to date. I can guess how easy it will be to analyze and critique and question whether they are good enough. While I will always be happy to give my children advice and encouragement about dating, I would hope that I never pressure them to wait for Mr/Miss Perfect.
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There is much more that could be said on the subject, I'm sure. I've shared some of my thoughts, what are yours?
"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much..." Luke 16:10
I think the question the person was asking was what about the implication nowadays that with dating a sexual relationship is usually expected. Perhaps this is not so within the Mennonite community, but everyone isn't Mennonite. My children are now middle aged, but I imagine Christian parents are wondering how to help their children find decent people to date. Just because a person goes to church doesn't make them morally fit so it is hard to know just who hasn't succumbed to the new moral standards.
ReplyDeleteI love that you brought in a different perspective! I happen to know the person who asked the question and she is a Mennonite, therefore the whole question and answer was given from a 'Mennonite world view' perspective where an expected sexual relationship is not an issue. I probably should have clarified that. But whether Mennonite or not, you are right that just because a person goes to church doesn't make them morally fit. I agree that it is very important to be sure our values and morals are in agreement!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a Mennonite, so I'm sorry if this is a dumb question. However, I'm wondering at what age people would start dating?
ReplyDeleteThat varies a lot from family to family but generally youth would be allowed to date at age 18. A lot are older than that but I would say 18-21 is an average age.
DeleteYou did amazing with this post!! I say a hearty AMEN!! 😁
ReplyDeleteAww, thank you!☺
DeleteI think the practice of the fellow getting permission from the girl's father to court his daughter is a good thing, mostly. However, I believe the pendulum has swung so far from casual dating, that asking to date a girl has become to some people almost synonymous with a marriage proposal: sometimes he waits a long time for an answer (and that's not necessarily bad), but announcing the first date in The Budget! Is that appropriate? necessary? How about letting the couple "quietly" learn to know each other well enough to see if they are compatible and they have the Lord's blessing on the relationship?--LRM
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree with all of this!
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