A Snarky Crucifixion Of The Enneagram

Disclaimer: I apologize to all of you who have not jumped on the Enneagram bandwagon; I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. Feel free to just click on by to something more interesting.

To those of you who are into the Enneagram, I hope I gave you a little something to smile about.

Carry on.

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Dear Enneagram,

I don't know who the know it all was that had so much time on their hands they felt the need to sit down and dissect the human race on paper. Probably someone with so many degrees behind their name that their friends called them Fahrenheit. I don't know who you thought you were but I'd just like to thank you for several things.

First of all, congratulations on your ability to write detailed descriptions of all the worst characteristics of humanity. Seriously, you nailed it over and over -- "That's her!" and "Oh that's totally him!" Personal kudos for pin-pointing every single one of my weaknesses, even though I denied them all the first time around. You've got talent, I have to admit. You must have been an eight is all I can say. I mean obviously, the rest of us have opinions but you? You have facts.

I like how you deliberately take every one of us apart and then, when we're completely shredded and helpless, you try to tell us how good these things can be. I will say this -- you treat every number equally, so maybe there is hope in that. I have yet to hear someone discover their number and promptly declare how much they love it, so again, I have to give you the fact that you've been fair.

I do, however, have a bone to pick with you when it comes to number nine. I just have to say, if you were trying to be helpful you failed miserably on this one. And I quote:

"Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity.

Ironically, therefore, the only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself."

I just have a question -- how is that helpful? 

You've just described what a nine is like and then you turn around and tell them the only person they're not like is a nine itself. Say what? If a nine takes on the characteristics of all the other numbers, would it not follow from simple logic that that persona is, in fact, a nine? What, may I ask, is 'the nine itself' if it is not that? For someone who is so good at slicing up humans into tidy little categories, you sure are confusing me on this one. 

Thank you for upsetting my world and making me think; it's my least favorite thing to do. You have forced me to spend days on end ruminating a question I have never in all my years found an answer for: Who Am I? I understand now why I've never known.

Congratulations.

Sincerely,
A Nine

PS. You have to know that tomorrow I will feel terribly about being so insulting; please forgive me. I really do like you a lot. In fact, I've been recommending your amazing work to numerous people, so there's that to soothe your feelings.

PPS. I forgot that you are, undoubtedly, an eight and therefore my snarkiness only served to amuse you. I take none of it back.