Remembering

August 2006

I was twenty-seven that year. Mom of two, ages four and two, this pregnancy had been planned for, prayed for, and celebrated. This was a first for us. Not that the previous pregnancies had been unwanted or uncelebrated, but this time we had been in control of the timing and everything about it was perfect and exciting. The euphoria lasted two weeks, then I discovered I was miscarrying.

It's a little hard for me to remember, with the distance of fifteen years passing, how very difficult that experience was for me. If I'm honest, I don't think I grieved the loss of my child, so much as the loss of my perfect little plan. Why wouldn't God have wanted it to work out? Why? Why did He let it happen? 

And then, for one excruciatingly long year, I couldn't get pregnant. 

It seems ridiculous now, to remember how difficult that was. So many people go through years of infertility, and here I was with two lovely children already! But you don't know, when you're in the middle of a hard thing, how long it will last. Maybe there was something wrong that needed to be fixed. Maybe we would never have any more children. Maybe there would be a huge gap in our children's ages. Maybe this wondering and holding my breath every month and not being pregnant would go on forever.

That year was agonizingly long. I shake my head now, thinking of the tears and anguish that my husband endured. In the moment, the longing and the pain were so real -- I wanted a baby. The smallest of comments, from people who had no idea what I was carrying inside, stung and cut and hurt.

Finally, I made an appointment to have my thyroid checked. The doctor was booked three weeks out, but at least I was doing something. And then? Then, in the mean time, I didn't get my period and the pregnancy test -- those awful things I had come to hate and nearly refused to take -- was positive!

Our rainbow baby was born March 30, 2008.

January 2009

My baby was nine months old and I felt sick; nauseous. The feeling persisted. What was going on? Surely I couldn't be? No. Not that. But I was.

I looked at the positive pregnancy test, and I cried. I wasn't ready for this; no. Too soon! I didn't want to tell anyone. Why? So many things were wildly out of control in our lives already, how could we handle this too? My midwife laughed and said, "God does have a sense of humor. First you're crying because you want a baby, now you're crying because you don't want a baby. Somewhere He is saying, 'Make up your mind, lady!'"

Lillian Bethany

8 lb 14 oz  21 in long

Perfect in every way

(A note to mothers everywhere: it is possible to go at least three years without a menstrual period. Ask me how I know.)

September 3, 2021

My surprise baby is twelve today.

Almost every year, I remember. I remember the confusion and pain of God disrupting my tidy, good plan. I remember the year of longing and heartache and not knowing. I remember the joy and excitement of the first, unexpected positive test that I longed for and the shock and confusion of the second, surprise one. I look at my two girls, seventeen months apart, and I smile.

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to share my remembering this year. I think I have mentioned some of these details on my blog before, but never quite in this way. 

It is good to look back, and remember. I don't know why God chose to plan our family the way He did. I can't look back and see, "Oh. It's good it was that way because x-y-z that I didn't know". I think, mostly, He wanted me to learn how little control I ultimately have over my life, and how very capable He is of handling the details.

Maybe, I needed to look back and write it out, because I need that lesson today just as much as I needed it then.