Enough

This was written several weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning. It never felt 'right' as a blog post but somehow, at the moment, it feels ok........

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O God. I feel a desperate ache for you in this dark, ridiculous hour of 2 a.m. I feel hopelessly overwhelmed with the feeling that I cannot be enough.

I cannot be enough for these children who's lives are in my hands to be molded and shaped for such a very short time. I cannot teach enough, train enough, love enough. I am so very flawed; so very selfish and prone to failure. My mouth says one thing and my actions preach another; my mind holds high ideals and my sharp tongue sends out a completely different message. I cannot, cannot be enough.

I cannot be enough for this man who's life I am pledged to share, in sickness and in health, prosperity and adversity, til death do us part. I cannot understand enough, support enough, love enough. My vision is constantly blurred by my own needs clamoring for attention, my desire to fill his needs hampered by my desperately selfish heart. I ache to lift the burdens; to somehow wave the magic wand and pay the bills and build the house and fix the job frustrations. But I cannot, cannot be enough.

In the quiet darkness of the morning, the tears stream and I can only beg you, God, to be enough.

Beg you to teach me selflessness and humility. Beg you to tame the tongue and prompt the apologies for my never ending flaws. Beg you to fill the gaps and take my fumbling, human efforts and make them be enough for this never ending job of molding young lives.

Beg you to clear away the cloudy visions of my needs and in their place shine your light of understanding and care for another. Beg you to teach me love; the servant kind. Beg you to be the burden lifter, the fixer, the dispeller of depression and frustration and me just a vessel in your hands for encouragement and love and supporting.

I confess I tremble to leave the "how" of it for you to decide. What if your idea of fixing is something way different than mine? Ahh. I must daily lay my people on your altar, it seems, as I read of cancer and accidents and disasters. Yet I cannot, cannot be enough, so what choice is there but to throw myself on your grace and allow you to be enough??

And truly, what other choice could I possibly want but to rest in that awe inspiring knowledge that You are, always and forever, Enough.