Happy New Year!
How can it possibly have been a whole 365 days since I wrote this post?? I have no idea. Then again, it's completely bizarre to remember that this time last year we were homeschooling! That all seems like a long ago dream. I am sure the thing that will forever stand out in our memories of 2021, will be our three week trip out west. Hands down, the best part of our year.
For me personally, in many ways this year feels like it has been one long pause of nothing. So much silence; so much stillness; so much waiting -- so much just holding space.
This year, I have questioned my faith like I probably never have before. There have been times this year when I truly wondered if everything I have ever been taught about Christianity was wrong. I have wondered if I am even a Christian at all. God has seemed very, very silent.
I wrote, in my last post, how a friend reminded me of the sermon
Chained to the Chariot by Ron Dunn. I listened to it and cried. These were the lines that undid me (not verbatim, but roughly):
"I talk to you, after you've been to the doctor and received the bad news, and I ask you, do you still believe? And you say, yes.
That's victory.
After the surgery, I talk to you again. You tell me you don't have long to live, and I ask you, do you still believe? And you say, yes. I still believe.
That's victory.
Then I stand by your grave, and I turn to your wife and I ask, do you still believe? And she smiles at me and says, yes. I still believe.
That's victory."
The tears came, because that question -- "Do you still believe?" The answer is yes. And there has been a tremendous amount of relief in that. Relief to realize that underneath all the confusion and silence and not understanding, I do still believe. Relief to realize that believing is really all that Jesus is asking of me in the first place. Relief to realize that just maybe, actually, that is enough.
It's a little discouraging to look back at last year's post and to feel, in so many ways, like I'm in the same, disjointed place that I was a year ago. There are still a lot of things I don't understand, a lot of things that don't make sense, a lot of unanswered questions and uncertainty.
But at the beginning of this new year, I still believe.
And that is victory.
Bethany, this is a beautiful post. Your year sounds much like mine. Lots of questions, few answers, and so much waiting. But I still believe too. Blessings on your new year.
ReplyDeleteAmen to everything Luci said.
DeleteAmen, Amen! You could not have put it into words any better then that- it is exactly what i feel too. But oh, that affirming phrase that keeps us hanging on... I still believe no. matter. what.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being willing to share this, and for reminding me - it is enough.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful, honest and hopeful post. Thanks so much for sharing it. I listened to the Chained to the Chariot message (at your suggestion), and was very inspired by the truth therein. Ron's unique descriptions have had me re-pondering it many times since. Happy 2022 to you and yours!
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