Well, it's a New Year; the time when you reflect back and look ahead and wax eloquent. Frankly, I haven't been in the mood.
I'm a little sick of hearing about 2020, to be honest. Everything I have to say about it will be a near carbon copy of something you've read somewhere else at least half a dozen times. If I'm even more honest, I would have to admit that I haven't really processed the year and I'm not sure that I want to. Even more honest-er? I've been avoiding it. There.
My life, for the past two years, has been a cycle of six months of super intense, uber stretching, mentally exhausting, emotionally depleting days and weeks, then six months of such peace and calm and ease that I hardly knew what to do with myself. I'm in the middle of a relatively calm cycle right now, and I just don't even want to go outside of it. I kind of feel like that's what 2020 has done to me -- it's shrunk my world smaller and smaller until I feel like I am a tiny little speck in the middle of my own, personal bubble and I just don't even have the energy to care!
I've heard lots of people talk about how 2020 has made them realize how important people and relationships are and how much they need them in their lives. I might be strange but I feel like 2020 has only made me realize how much easier life is when you don't have to deal with many people! I know, shocking. Terrible. We were made for relationships. People are the most important things in life.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm just being honest.
In my very most truthful moments, I have to admit to myself that this has been a horribly, horribly lonely year. I haven't been truthful very often lately. For an introvert who feels most of the time like she can get along fine without lots of interaction with people, a "normal" world usually provides enough obligatory interaction to give her a healthy dose of social life without needing to go looking for it. Throw her into a world where almost nothing is obligatory and she's going to be fine with it for a very long time. Except when she realizes that she's not. But then the effort she must put forth to go looking for it is almost more than she can force herself to go to and it is just easier to sit back and be fine. Because, after all, life is a lot easier when you don't have to deal with many people.
I know.
I need therapy and a sermon and probably a good kick in the hind quarters to boot. Sorry. This is my end of the year navel gazing and it's not very pretty. Like I said, I haven't processed the year; I don't have it all figured out and tied with a neat, tidy bow.
There's been a lot of cheering about 2020 finally being over and being glad to tell it good bye and celebrating over a New Year. I get it. I confess that I feel more pessimism and near dread about a New Year than I do joy. News flash: 2021 is not going to magically be so different than 2020! I know. I need to learn how to play Pollynna's Glad game, too.
Contrary to what you might be thinking, I am not in as much of a funk as this sounds. We've just had a very lovely Christmas vacation -- several days spent with my family, after we thought it wouldn't be happening; long, slow days with no school and time to relax; puzzles, audio books, sleeping in, random naps. I am thankful, believe it or not, and life is good; very good.
I could make a list of hard things this year -- it would be shorter than some of yours and longer than others. I could also make a list of gifts that this year has brought and it would be much the same. One thing that I know, is that God is the God of the big picture. Right now, I'm not sure that I understand how 2020 fits into His handiwork, but I know it belongs there. I also know that as I enter a new year, what He wants from me the most is daily faithfulness in doing the next right thing. I don't know what all of those next right things will be but I am confident He will be faithful to show me.
* I barely took any pictures of our short trip to Arkansas, except an overload of the trumpeter swans we went to see. Aren't they just lovely?
You've put my feelings into words better than I could even process them myself. Thank you for writing even now - I realize I am not alone. ~ A fellow introvert who has been encouraged dozens of times in the past by your posts but never commented.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Realizing you are not alone is huge!
DeleteThey are indeed very lovely Bethany. 2020 was, well 2020. I ask myself how did 2020 affect me negatively personally? I suppose the answer would be yes. We experienced some unpleasant things but I think it wouldn't have mattered if it happened in 2020 or 2019. I'm an introvert too so though I love being around my friends and miss them when we can't meet due to shutdowns, I'm content being at home reading a good book, sewing or crocheting. And that's one of the good things about shutdowns is I got back into teaching myself sewing again. I broke a bone in my fingertip back in October when the walking foot came loose on my sewing machine and the needle went through my finger.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were talking at midnight New Year's Day about people outside yelling and cheering about the new year. We both agreed that nothing has changed but maybe people are looking at the new year as a year of hope. But if they don't have Jesus, there is no hope. And that's how I need to see this new year we are in. I tend too look at new year with dread because what horrible things might happen.
But I know God is in control even in these ( dare I say that over used phrase and I'm tired of hearing) unprecedented times. He hasn't left the throne. Bethany, I want to thank you for being honest. I'm sure it wasn't easy.
Happy New Year, Regina! Knowing that God is in control is one of the most comforting things in the world.
Delete"One thing that I know, is that God is the God of the big picture. Right now, I'm not sure that I understand how 2020 fits into His handiwork, but I know it belongs there. I also know that as I enter a new year, what He wants from me the most is daily faithfulness in doing the next right thing. I don't know what all of those next right things will be but I am confident He will be faithful to show me.
ReplyDeleteThis really spoke to me. Thanks for your honest post.
❤❤
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