Confession: I end up delving into things here that I have felt deeply but never feel comfortable talking about. I'm sure I haven't given enough disclaimers or explanations or flip sides. I hope you hear my heart.
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It is a grey, rainy Monday. Not such a good thing for all the piles of laundry that I didn't do over the weekend, but a rather cozy day to curl up and do as little as possible after a week of rushing around doing all the things. (That's how we enneagram nines roll, don't you know.)
I realized again last week, that high school graduation is the most emotional part of mothering that I have experienced so far. I know every mother is different, but for me there is something so safe and secure about sending my children off to school every year. Graduation marks the end of that yearly security, and it throws my mother heart for a loop somehow! I was an emotional wreck last week, tears overflowing at the oddest moments and for the most ridiculous reasons. When I wondered if I might be losing my mind, it helped to remember that I felt the same way several years ago when Isaac graduated. I'm also pretty convinced that even when I don't consciously think of it, my brain is subconsciously triggered by May being the anniversary of my mom's death.
All in all, graduation night was lovely and special. I couldn't be more proud of my oldest daughter and the young lady she's become. And I couldn't be more relieved to have last week behind me! The graduate wholeheartedly agrees.
Jasmine is a very smart, talented young lady. She's the kind of person that is well liked and good at everything she does. I've heard people ask, "Is there anything she can't do?" I've heard her called amazing and I've heard her called exceptional; I won't argue -- she is. I am proud and humbled to have her as a daughter, but allow me to say just a few things about being the parent of "smart, good" children.
"Smart, good" children have struggles too. Did you know, they sometimes feel like failing a test on purpose so that their classmates can stop making comments about how they always get good grades? Did you know, they sometimes struggle with the expectations that are placed on them because they always do a good job? Did you know, they sometimes wish their hard work was appreciated and valued, instead of being brushed aside with the attitude of "oh, of course"? Did you know, they sometimes stop raising their hands to answer questions because nobody likes smart know-it-alls?
"Smart, good" children don't just get that way because that's how they were born. Don't get me wrong, I know there is a difference in the natural abilities of people. But everyone is born with the same sin nature. Everyone has to make the same choices about truth and identity and who they are going to follow. Sometimes, being labeled with words like 'exceptional' can feel devaluing rather than complimentary. "Smart, good" children struggle just as hard with choices and relationships and life as anyone else. Their struggles come in different forms and show up in different places, but they are no less hard. If you see a child that seems exceptional, you can bet that underneath the surface somewhere there have been hard fought battles that have made them who they are.
Jasmine is a very talented, smart young lady. Only in the past year have I realized the depth of some of the struggles she has gone through that have made her the person she is today. Looking back, I think she struggled with a type of OCD called scrupulosity. My heart aches for all the pain and inner turmoil she went through and how little I realized the torment that was going on in her young mind. I know, without a doubt, that the young lady she has become is because of the grace of God and her hard won choices for truth, not just because she is exceptional.
Wow. I really did not plan to go down that long bunny trail when I started this post!
I guess, in the end, what this really is about is reminding myself that we are all way more alike than different. We are all fighting our own battles and deserve kindness and grace. If you've been one of the "smart, good" children -- this is me giving you credit for all the hard work you've done and the inner battles you've fought that nobody ever saw or valued. Good job!
And now I really must take care of my laundry.
