Ride That Ocean!

I should throw in some funny post about my children about now, or at any rate, something that's not so "preachy"! Hate to disappoint but I guess my dial is set on "preachy" right now. The fact is, I feel like a person drowning in the ocean, somebody suffocating in a fire. Why did God create us as beings who so desperately want control? It's so easy to say glib things about trusting God, viewing every moment as a gift, etc etc. But 5 steps into God giving me a prime opportunity to let Him show Himself strong- I'm drowning! Suffocating! I gotta know the end of this story!! I mean if I just knew the end of mine would turn out like Joseph's everything would be great, ya know? Joseph didn't know, yet what did he do? He climbed aboard ship and rode that ocean! Jumped out of the window of the burning building and breathed freely! Me? I settle for clinging to the life preserver and calling for oxygen and think I'm really having faith! You know what it takes? It takes dying to selfish little ol me... Oh to learn it!!

A mom's heart

When my first child was born I can't honestly say there was an "instant bonding" or "indescribable love". I struggled a lot with feeling detatched and just not like I thought a mom should feel! I'm still kinda that way although over the years my "mom instincts" have kicked in. Right now is one of those times when I realize my "mom-ness" is very much alive. If there's anything about this move that I'd like to erase, it's the heartache of my children. It's hard on a mom's heart to see her 7 year old cry and struggle to understand and accept. To see realization finally dawn in her 3 year old and then the tears and "But I don't WANT friends in Ohio!" To lay her youngest down for the last night and know that this little lady has no idea she'll be in a different bed tomorrow night... Guess what? If I really want my children to adjust to these changes happily, it's on me...hard swallow.... Ok God! Let's rally! Good bye house! Good bye all our stuff! We'll be back in three weeks to pack you up! We can do this!!

Every moment is a gift

All is Grace. Any idea what that means? It's more than my mind can fully comprehend that is certain, but this morning the picture broke through to my heart. I saw my Father up in Heaven delivering gifts to me daily, hourly, moment by moment. They are gifts of grace. He is waiting. Longing for me to see them for what they are. Instead I see the hard, the sad, the scary-a move that I don't want to make, good byes that I don't want to say, a chapter I don't want to close-you fill in the blank. Chris and I were talking the other day. His view on life is to focus on the good things. Yes, acknowledge the bad, but focus on the good. It's always there! And the more you look at it the more there is. Then this morning I read "Open your hand so you can open your heart. Every moment is a gift!" And suddenly it dawned! "All is grace" goes over my earthy mind to tell you the truth. But coupled with Chris' outlook on life I suddenly saw the down to earthness of it! Oh to learn the ability to view every moment as a gift!

Playing Church

Sometimes I get too busy being a mom. The endless washing clothes, preparing food, cleaning up the dirty dishes, picking up toys, changing diapers, answering "why" for the 999th time, settling yet another fuss, cleaning the house, straightening up the house, picking up the toys, making the children help with the work....whew! I'm exhausted! Yesterday was that kind of a day. Suddenly I realized I was too busy being a mom! I told the 2 oldest to think of something fun they'd like to do. They chose writing things on slips of paper and putting them in plastic eggs. So we spent the evening playing Blitz, Go Fish, Memory, church (Yes! Complete with devotions, sermon, the whole bit! Hilariously fun! My baby doll was so naughty :) ), and ending with a long walk. I still have a gargantuan stack of dishes in my sink from canning salsa and pizza sauce yesterday. They dont look any prettier this morning. Still, something tells me playing church w/ a naughty baby doll ranks a lot higher then any stack of dishes!

In the midst of "messy"

My mind feels as messy as my house right now -toys and books scattered, empty bookshelves and half emptied cupboards, a stack of boxes in a corner.... Yet it's quiet. The washer is humming and children are napping, reading, playing happily. My mind feels much the same - questions and feelings scattered around, emptied sadness and half emptied tears, a stack of things I need to do but where should I start? And yet it's quiet. Underneath there is peace. It's easy to miss among the scattered bits and pieces of normal life right now. Yet I know it's there and because of it I can carry on, straighten up the scattered stuff and add to the stack marked "done". Still, the feeling of messiness is there and it would seem so nice to forward to that distant place called "settled in the new"! But then, the rainbow comes a.f.t.e.r the rain, and the sunrise a.f.t.e.r the night. Healing a.f.t.e.r pain and victory a.f.t.e.r the fight. So, for now I'll live in the mess, look for the peace and try to decide what to do next!

What Are You Really Asking For? Conclusion

Hopefully you aren't sick of seeing this title by now :) I must admit I am a bit. It doesn't feel "fresh" to me anymore after stringing it out over 4 posts. Anyway, I listened to this story recently and that last line "You asked for GUIDANCE" just hit me hard! I do that so often. I pray and I ask and I plead and God sends His "angels" to steer me in the right direction but I don't see it as that. So I try to "fix" things myself and then God sends some more "angels" to straighten out my attempts and I'm left standing there saying "Why??! This is not what I asked for!!" And God is saying "Oh really?" The truth is, what I really wanted all along was what *I* thought was best and I pretended I was asking God for GUIDANCE. You know, "if He would just SHOW me what to do I'd do it!" Oh really? The next time I pray for something I want to stop and think: Am I really asking for a "Cathedral" or am I really asking for guidance?? What are you asking for?

What Are You Really Asking For? Part III

Much to the Bishop's chagrin the angel stayed. You see, "Dudley's" mission was not yet complete. It was his turn to pay a visit to the wealthy lady. She was astonished to find this stranger knew her deepest secrets and intentions. His visit brought conviction and repentance in her life! The Bishop and his wife, in their regular round of visitation, found a woman with a complete change of mind. She now wanted no part of a Cathedral but declared the decision to use her money for the people who really needed it! The Bishop was astounded and not at all happy. The name "Dudley" only deepened his anger. Back home Dudley appeared and declared his mission accomplished. He would now leave. "But my prayer has not been answered!" said the Bishop. "Oh yes." Returned the angel calmly. "I asked for a Cathedral!" the Bishop angrily exclaimed. "No," the angel shook his head quietly, "You asked for GUIDANCE!" *This is a condensed version of a story I heard recently. I will share how it spoke to me in my next post...