Class of 2022

Confession: I end up delving into things here that I have felt deeply but never feel comfortable talking about. I'm sure I haven't given enough disclaimers or explanations or flip sides. I hope you hear my heart. 

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It is a grey, rainy Monday. Not such a good thing for all the piles of laundry that I didn't do over the weekend, but a rather cozy day to curl up and do as little as possible after a week of rushing around doing all the things. (That's how we enneagram nines roll, don't you know.) 

I realized again last week, that high school graduation is the most emotional part of mothering that I have experienced so far. I know every mother is different, but for me there is  something so safe and secure about sending my children off to school every year. Graduation marks the end of that yearly security, and it throws my mother heart for a loop somehow! I was an emotional wreck last week, tears overflowing at the oddest moments and for the most ridiculous reasons. When I wondered if I might be losing my mind, it helped to remember that I felt the same way several years ago when Isaac graduated. I'm also pretty convinced that even when I don't consciously think of it, my brain is subconsciously triggered by May being the anniversary of my mom's death.

All in all, graduation night was lovely and special. I couldn't be more proud of my oldest daughter and the young lady she's become. And I couldn't be more relieved to have last week behind me! The graduate wholeheartedly agrees. 

Jasmine is a very smart, talented young lady. She's the kind of person that is well liked and good at everything she does. I've heard people ask, "Is there anything she can't do?" I've heard her called amazing and I've heard her called exceptional; I won't argue -- she is. I am proud and humbled to have her as a daughter, but allow me to say just a few things about being the parent of "smart, good" children. 

"Smart, good" children have struggles too. Did you know, they sometimes feel like failing a test on purpose so that their classmates can stop making comments about how they always get good grades? Did you know, they sometimes struggle with the expectations that are placed on them because they always do a good job? Did you know, they sometimes wish their hard work was appreciated and valued, instead of being brushed aside with the attitude of "oh, of course"? Did you know, they sometimes stop raising their hands to answer questions because nobody likes smart know-it-alls?

"Smart, good" children don't just get that way because that's how they were born. Don't get me wrong, I know there is a difference in the natural abilities of people. But everyone is born with the same sin nature. Everyone has to make the same choices about truth and identity and who they are going to follow. Sometimes, being labeled with words like 'exceptional' can feel devaluing rather than complimentary. "Smart, good" children struggle just as hard with choices and relationships and life as anyone else. Their struggles come in different forms and show up in different places, but they are no less hard. If you see a child that seems exceptional, you can bet that underneath the surface somewhere there have been hard fought battles that have made them who they are. 

Jasmine is a very talented, smart young lady. Only in the past year have I realized the depth of some of the struggles she has gone through that have made her the person she is today. Looking back, I think she struggled with a type of OCD called scrupulosity. My heart aches for all the pain and inner turmoil she went through and how little I realized the torment that was going on in her young mind. I know, without a doubt, that the young lady she has become is because of the grace of God and her hard won choices for truth, not just because she is exceptional. 

Wow. I really did not plan to go down that long bunny trail when I started this post! 

I guess, in the end, what this really is about is reminding myself that we are all way more alike than different. We are all fighting our own battles and deserve kindness and grace. If you've been one of the "smart, good" children -- this is me giving you credit for all the hard work you've done and the inner battles you've fought that nobody ever saw or valued. Good job!

And now I really must take care of my laundry. 

April's Books

In one form or another, the thought runs through my mind nearly every day -- I should write a blog post. It is followed immediately by another -- what would I write about? Most of the time my mind is blank. The times when I do have a faint idea, two minutes into writing the post in my mind, I've already given it up. It's too much work. It's not that important. 

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have looked back at my blog and wondered, how did I ever write every week?? I have no idea. Did I think the things I thought of saying were important back then and now I don't? Or did I have a need to be important back then and now I just don't care anymore? I'll take the second one; it sounds more mature. 

I know. I should just stop over analyzing and accept the fact that there are seasons in life and that is that. At least you will hear from me once a month this year, because I am bound and determined to stick to my goal of reading/ listening to four books a month!

Just look at my ferns coming up!

I'm so excited about them!

I struggled with finding books for April, because I rely on inter library loans and Ohio has been undergoing a change in their system and hasn't moved any books for three months! When I was at the library last week, they told me the new system is up and running and they had pulled over 800 books that day to send out to other libraries!! Soon all the books I have holds on will probably arrive at once...

But anyway. Without further ado -- my four books in April (I am not going to try to write real reviews for the books I read; I'm terrible at writing reviews. If you want real reviews, you'll have to go somewhere else, sorry.):

I have to say this was my last favorite. It was based on true historical events but the story line was fiction and just a little bit too fairytale-ish in my opinion. 

This one was an interesting twist, because it is technically poetry. I've always kind of had a gripe with poetry that isn't actually the rhyming kind and I doubt I would have made it through reading this book but I enjoyed listening to the author read it. 

This is the only book I actually read in April. It is a true story and a good one -- the kind that keeps you guessing and doesn't turn out quite like you think it will. 

And then there was this one, which was by far and away my favorite! Contrary to the book cover, it is not just some cheesy love story. It was read by fantastic readers -- a different voice for every character -- and was altogether delightful and hilarious and I can't wait to take a trip and make the whole family listen to it. 

Now it is May, and we're hurtling for the finish line at school, with so many extra activities that I can hardly keep my head straight about who is doing what. Their is an oldest son turning 20 (TwEnTy!!) and a second born set to graduate and a wedding in the community that will bring family from out of state and then a much anticipated anniversary trip that Chris has planned since ages ago....

Let's just say we shouldn't be bored any time soon!

Told you I'm excited. 

Now I'm going to turn on some music, sweep some floors and do some cleaning before I sit down to sew. 

PS. Any other moms who don't have the heart to make their children take down their elaborate creations so they can vacuum? 

Just me? Ok then. 

A Healthier Me and Other Things

No, I am not going to tell you about a new diet I have discovered or some wonderful exercise program I've committed to. I haven't started taking plexus or using essential oils nor have I found some magic pill or potion. Not that some of those things wouldn't be good for me, but I'm not actually talking about physical health. 

I've been thinking this post out in my mind for awhile now, while I secretly wait to see if I actually keep feeling the way that I've been feeling. (Yes, I'm a pessimist like that.) Sure as the world, if I put myself out there and say things, it will not last. Besides, is it really that important for the world - even my little corner of it - to know everything? When all is said and done, not really. 

Then again, maybe. Who is to say?

Long story short, I've been working on my social media addiction and *I think* I have stuck with it long enough to say that I feel like a different person.

If you read my daughter's article, you will remember the effects social media can have on your mind and life. I did not go whole hog like she did, and delete my accounts, but I have drastically reduced the time I spend on them. I have tried numerous strategies to accomplish this in the past, and have never been able to stick to my plan. This has been my latest arrangement. 

We have only ever had internet on our phones, but now have the ability to use hot-spot. I made the decision to delete my Facebook and Instagram apps on my phone, and only allow myself to access my accounts via hot-spot to the tablet. This does several things -- 1. My whole family knows my decision, therefore if I'm on the tablet, they all know I'm on social media. (That's called accountability.) 2. I have a limited amount of hot-spot usage per month, therefore I have an incentive to keep my social media visits brief. 3. It takes a minute to go through the process, therefore cutting out the mindless checking of social media when I have a free second. 

I credit the Brighter Winter reading challenge with giving me a taste of success. Let me explain. 

I had tried the whole deleting apps/ setting boundaries thing before. It never worked. I would always end up right back where I started. In January, when I decided to take up the reading challenge, I also chose to start my little media plan. Because I had something else to focus my free time on, I was able to stick to my disciplines for social media. And, because I stuck to them for pretty much two whole months, I got a taste of success and realized how much healthier I felt mentally. 

The best way to describe the effect of that taste of success, is 'the Matthew effect'. (See Google's definition). Better yet, go listen to  this video on the subject. 

Somehow, that victory in one area of my life, has given me energy for more victory. The cumulative effect is, I feel more alive and engaged with my life than I have in several years. There's more that I could say and maybe sometime I will try to describe what I'm talking about more fully. 

As Paul says, "Not as though I had already obtained, either were already perfect..."

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Just a few random photos...

I know I made it sound like spring was coming, but it sure has been taking its good old time! I would not be opposed to a few days of sunshine around here. 

We celebrated Jennifer turning fourteen and the girls had fun trying to replicate this photo from when she turned five...

Today we have a birthday boy turning nine, who could just hardly wait for this day! Legos are his biggest love these days and he doesn't believe he could ever have enough of them. 

*****

Very briefly, the four books I read in March:

The most entertaining...

Hadn't read an Anne book in years!

The most gripping/sad/ heartbreaking...

The most random!

I'm having a hard time getting books right now, because our library is going through some big change in their book lending system and isn't moving any books currently. I listened to the Anne book because I couldn't find anything I had on my 'to read' list and I scanned a library shelf one day and found the "Called To Be Amish" book and randomly took it home to read. 

And now I must run along and eat cake and ice cream!

Spring

I'm not any more sure of why I haven't written lately, than I am of why I'm writing now. Life has been going along rather comfortably. While that is certainly more to be desired than discomfort, it doesn't really offer any irresistible urges for writing blogposts. 

We've had several of these kind of views in the past month. But they quickly disappear, and are giving way to more and more little signs that winter is about to be replaced by spring. 

Charles is inordinately proud of this

 little flower that he planted at school...

There are little, green things springing up everywhere, if you take the time to look closely

Jasmine's tulips are up!

The forsythia is pushing tiny buds!

There is new, mint tea growing 

under the tangle of last year's dead growth 

that never got cleared away. 

The brave cilantro, that somehow 

manages to stay around all winter, 

is putting out fresh growth. 

A haze of tiny, new leaves

are showing up on some of the

 bushes in the woods.

And increasing days of sunshine

beckon me outside to enjoy them....

I'm here for it all. 

February Brighter Winter Favorites

Operation Read More Books is still going strong. I confess, I'm kinda proud of it. Using the Brighter Winter grids definitely gave me an incentive to read and great ideas for finding interesting books. I'm not the kind of person who keeps a list of "to read" books, and usually part of my reason for not reading more is the fact that I fly through books and have a hard time knowing what to read next. 

This was my stack at the beginning of February. I had fun looking for/ ordering books in through the library ahead of time and, with being able to keep books for three weeks, plus being able to renew most of them, it actually worked out pretty well. I googled ideas for "a book about books" and "a book of letters" and chose something from the selections that came up. I ended up not reading the book of letters. It was the last book I got in, and I had no idea it was going to be such a fat book! It just wasn't quite interesting enough to be worth wading through it. 

My favorite was probably "Knock At Midnight". Forgive me for just copying and pasting a description, but I can't do justice to describing the book myself:

"Brittany K. Barnett was only a law student when she came across the case that would change her life forever--that of Sharanda Jones, single mother, business owner, and, like Brittany, Black daughter of the rural South. A victim of America's devastating war on drugs, Sharanda had been torn away from her young daughter and was serving a life sentence without parole--for a first-time drug offense. In Sharanda, Brittany saw haunting echoes of her own life, as the daughter of a formerly incarcerated mother. As she studied this case, a system came into focus in which widespread racial injustice forms the core of America's addiction to incarceration. Moved by Sharanda's plight, Brittany set to work to gain her freedom.

This had never been the plan. Bright and ambitious, Brittany was a successful accountant on her way to a high-powered future in corporate law. But Sharanda's case opened the door to a harrowing journey through the criminal justice system. By day she moved billion-dollar deals, and by night she worked pro bono to free clients in near hopeless legal battles. Ultimately, her path transformed her understanding of injustice in the courts, of genius languishing behind bars, and the very definition of freedom itself.

Brittany's riveting memoir is at once a coming-of-age story and a powerful evocation of what it takes to bring hope and justice to a system built to resist them both."

It was one of those books that was hard to put down. 

My next favorite was the audio book "Still Alice".

I say it was a favorite. To be honest, I had to push myself to keep listening. Early onset dementia is a rather horrible and painful story to listen to. Not everyone is like me, but I have always had a huge dread of watching a loved one deteriorate either mentally or physically. (Incidentally, in a strange way that personal dread made my mom's sudden death easier for me in some ways.) Listening to a story that not only included watching a loved one deteriorate, but also being that loved one, was hard for me. It was a really good book though, and hard to listen to in a good kind of way. 

Last but not least, I enjoyed "The Story Of You" as well. I am well aware that the enneagram is a controversial subject and I don't intend to get into any of that here. I have found it hugely useful in understanding myself and other people, and this book was an interesting companion to "The Road Back To You", which I highly recommend to anyone interested in the enneagram. 

Using the Brighter Winter grids was fun. With their help, I read/ listened to 17 books in the first two months of 2022! I don't intend to be quite that ambitious the rest of the year, but I have been accumulating a list, and I'm challenging myself to read or listen to at least four books a month. I'm trying to gather lists from multiple genres, and the goal is to read a variety each month. I'm not great at keeping up long term challenges, so we'll see how this goes. Maybe if I report here every month it will keep me motivated!

Of course, that means I need lots of book recommendations. I'd love if you would share your favorites with me! I'm also planning to gather ideas from Gina at Home Joys, where she and her sister will be sharing reading challenges every month. 

I hope your Wednesday is as sunny as mine!

Privileged

Every February, our school has a week off for winter break. This year, we spent the week in Florida. 

We are privileged. 

Months ago, when Chris asked me if we should go somewhere for winter break this year, I said I'd be fine with staying home. Our three week trip out west last year was enough of an extravagance to last for quite some time. Later, when he commented that we may not have many more winter breaks that we're all at home, I didn't argue with his idea to go to Florida. 

We are undeniably privileged. 

He found a lovely condo at Lake Berkley Resort for a ridiculously good deal on Airbnb. Gated community, well kept buildings, plenty of space, lovely pool...

We are unquestionably privileged. 

Since the time that Isaac could hold a putter, miniature golf has been a favorite family activity. Our splurge for the week, was buying a one week, all you can play pass at a mini golf course about ten minutes from our condo. With the exception of Thursday, we played multiple rounds every day we were there. We split up and played boys and girls games, we teamed up and played best shot and alternate shot games, and a few times, only some of us played. We won't soon forget the music, the dry humor of the man behind the counter, and Charles's face when he hit his multiple, lucky, hole-in-ones. 

We are exceptionally privileged. 

We didn't have a lot of plans, other than relaxing. One evening, after mini golf, we walked the boardwalk at Disney. 

Quite the unbelievable place. 

Chris and Isaac played some disc golf one day; the rest of us hit the pool as many times as possible.

(Well, at least once a day.)

Thursday morning we got up bright and early in order to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. 

Worth it. 

Then we climbed 203 steps up the Ponce Inlet Lighthouse, and toured the surrounding keeper's houses and other outbuildings. 

Fascinating history. 

And, of course, we binged on Worst Cooks of America, Love It Or List It, Kitchen Nightmares, and the like. We'll be using pet phrases from the most hilarious moments for years to come. We cooked and we ate, we lounged and we laughed, we stayed up late and we slept in. 

We are absolutely, positively, without a doubt, extravagantly and unbelievably privileged. 

A Long Exposition of the Trials of Life

It all started with a week of meetings at church, and the resulting hectic/ crazy feeling that comes with the whole homework-right-after-school, supper-eaten-in-a-rush, going-away-every-night situation. It was all very much worth it, as listening to the speaker was like drinking deeply of cold water on a very hot and dry day! However, the pace was a little exhausting for my usual stay at home self, and my dry, brittle soul had a hard time soaking up all the water quickly enough. 

From there, we went straight into two days of school being canceled due to weather and spending just shy of 48 hours out of electricity. Fun times. 

That first night, we rounded up our meager supply of candles (I'm not really a candle person and barely have any around!) and spent a long time huddled around the table playing a game together. I was in the middle of making supper when the electricity first went off. When it came back on twenty minutes later, I finished supper up in record time, while Chris filled the bathtub with water and we gathered jugs and pitchers and water bottles and cranked up the thermostat. Living in Arkansas for ten years, where ice storms and tornado weather make power outages a semi normal occurrence has given us plenty of practice! Supper was just ready when the lights went out for good. 

We all slept cozy under plenty of blankets and I thanked the Lord for our battery operated fan that we took out west. When you sleep with a box fan on a regular basis, the silence at night makes it very difficult to sleep!

Friday morning, Chris crawled out in the darkness to dig his vehicle out and make his way to the tire shop. We spent the day (my birthday, incidentally) eating snacks and cold food and playing games in a house that stayed right at 62 degrees all day. If the roads hadn't been so bad we might have spent some time at the library, but none of else really felt like braving the ice and snow. Chris brought a generator and supper home around 5 and we rounded up heaters and cords, closed the basement door, and brought in tubs of snow to add to our bathtub-toilet-flushing supply.

What a difference one lamp makes compared to a few candles! 

When we got news that Chris's family three miles from us had power restored, our hopes got pretty high but come bedtime, we shut off the generator and piled on the blankets. The children camped out in the living room for the night and we all slept quite cozily.

Scrambled eggs!

I'll stop boring you with all the gory details. Saturday was a beautiful, sunny day! I should have gone outside to take pictures but I don't think even that would have done justice to the glittering beauty. 

There was great rejoicing when the electricity came on around 3:30 on Saturday! I immediately tackled piles of dishes and a filthy bathroom. Everyone was feeling quite happy, with hot showers and spaces restored to order, when the house went black again around 8:30. To our relief, the outage only lasted about an hour and a half. We went to bed in comfort, with the heat on and the box fan humming. 

Monday was back to real life with a vengeance. The four oldest headed out early for their Bible Quiz Meet that had been canceled on Friday. Charles went to school, and I tackled piles of laundry. When Jasmine called me around noon to say that Lillian fell on the ice and hurt her arm pretty bad, my heart sank to my toes. I was already feeling a little guilty that I hadn't gone along to be the good mom who supports her children and now I felt doubly bad for not being there! All I could do, was pray a lot of prayers for them that afternoon and make a doctor appointment for Tuesday morning. At three, when I couldn't get the car backed out of its icy spot to go pick up Charles, I could only shake my head and say, "Ok Lord, just whatever you think."

I didn't sleep very well Monday night. Every time I woke up, all I could think about was dreading being the parent to take Lillian to the doctor. I know, it probably sounds silly. But doctor appointments are one of my Very Worst Things -- especially ones where I know I will probably be sent here and there and will have to make decisions. I can't ever think of the right questions to ask and I am directionally challenged in the worst way! When Charles woke up feeling sick and I discovered he was running a temperature, and Chris ended up being the parent to go to the appointment, I felt a little dumbfounded at the way God took care of things.

The day was quite bizarre but long story short (after x-rays and coming back home and then getting x-ray results and many phone calls and Chris coming back to head to another doctor in a different town) they diagnosed it as a buckle fracture in her upper, left arm. She didn't get a cast, just a sling, with instructions for stretches and a return visit next week for an x-ray to check that it's healing properly. 

This morning I woke up to more fever and another day of children at home and laying down all my plans for the day once again. I was feeling rather whiny about my life, until I remembered how small my problems really are. Buckle fractures and fevers will pass; I have fond memories of power outages as a child and I hope my children will too. I'm not facing a cancer diagnosis or a death, and the errands that need to be run and the things I wanted to do will wait. The sun is shining and life is, after all, quite good!

Sometimes dumping one's trials into sympathetic ears + refocusing on one's blessings is the best medicine. 

P.S. Thanks for being my sympathetic dumping place, I'll be glad to return the favor in the comments!