If we chose to place our family in a "Rules" atmosphere, then our teaching would need to focus on the fact that rules do not save us. That just because we're doing what the church says doesn't mean we're right with God. That our relationship with God is the most important thing of all. That, ultimately, what's in the heart is really what is important in the end.
On the other hand, if we chose to place our family in a "Heart" atmosphere, then our teaching would have to focus on the fact that, while what's in the heart is the most important in the end, what shows up on the outside is a sure indication of what is in the heart. That just because something CAN be done doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. That it is important to "take the train to the end of the tracks", not just to consider the now.
In our situation, we chose the second option. While the rules side seemed, in some ways, "safer" (we wouldn't have the pressure of looking different), the heart side seemed more conducive to healthy conversations with our children about why we do what we do and how do we think God wants us to live? That certainly doesn't mean our children are guaranteed a safe passage into the Kingdom of Heaven. But that goes without saying - there are risks on either side of the spectrum!