For me, "this stage" of mothering is a fluid one. Currently it means being mom to five children, ages 21 - 10, who are all back at home for the school year. Last school year, there were four at home, and for most of two months this summer, we were down to three children. Like any other stage of life, there's all kinds of wonderful things and hard things. I thought it might be fun to do a pro and con post like I've done a couple times in the past.
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1) Everyone is old enough to take care of themselves. (That doesn't mean they always do, of course. But nobody needs me to dress them or feed them, etc.)
Sometimes I'm tempted to think the days of taking care of my children may have been easier than the current days, where I'm often biting my tongue and reminding myself that nobody will die if they wear those two colors together, or didn't comb down the unruly hair, or... various other things that I will leave unmentioned. (I've convinced myself that no one actually notices or cares, so why point them out here?)
2) Everyone is old enough to know how to behave. (Again, do they always? No. But they know how. My life isn't one constant training session on kindness and sharing and staying out of the potted plants.)
To be honest, I sometimes would prefer the potted plant episodes over the adjustments of siblings coming and going and the constant changes in family dynamics that all of that brings. I have a lot more answers for the former, than I do for the latter.
3) Mom can leave for a day (or even several) and it's not the end of the world. In fact, sometimes I think they're secretly glad when mom is gone for the day! That's okay. I can well remember having those same feelings as a teenager.
Ironically enough, it also sometimes feels like I am indispensable. I love to help the teacher with his checking, and provide things for the student with their project, and enable the pursuit of friendships, and critique the writing paper, and give ideas for the teacher's helper with all her little people stories.... but occasionally I want to throw my hand up and say, "Hey! I have a life too!"
4) Nobody is keeping me awake at night. When you wake up one morning and discover that someone has thrown up during the night and they either took care of it themselves, or had an older siblings help, you know you have arrived at the sweet spot of motherhood.
I don't struggle with this too much, but sometimes my mind runs away with the many and various Things Going On in the lives of the five children under my roof, and sleep evades me even if nobody is waking me up to go potty or to clean up a mess.
5) I am at home alone during the school year. Only if you are an introvert like me, who gets their best work and thinking done when no one else is around, will you understand quite how amazing this phenomenon is.
Also, only if you are an introvert like me, will you understand how exhausting it is sometimes to keep track of all the different schedules, all the different plans, all the different homework, all the different lunches, all the last minute changes in plans, all the forgotten details, all the dropping-this-to-go-do-that-ness that goes on in this stage of mothering.
6) The most interesting conversations in my life time are happening right at my supper table. The depth of discussion -- from questiong theology, to expounding on literature, to recounting old family memories, to hashing classroom control, to dissecting prime factors, to reciting Adventures In Odyssey and Hank The Cowdog, to arguing about definitions of words, to analyzing child training, to... you name it -- is truly amazing. Sometimes I just sit there and marvel (and grin).
The intensity of the questions and conversations sometimes make my head spin. Debating and dissecting is not my first language and sometimes I'd be fine going back to the cute questions and quotes that come out of toddlers mouths.
7) One on one time with my husband is so much more plentiful. If we decide, on the spur of the moment (which is my husband's specialty), that we want to go on a date for supper or go on a walk after supper or...I dunno... go in our room and take a nap on some random Saturday afternoon, we usually jolly well can!
Being the people pleaser that I tend to be, sometimes instead of just enjoying this lovely phenomenon, I find myself caught up in trying to make sure that everybody living at my house is happy. Most of the time it's really not worth the worry (see #3)!
8) There are certain jobs around the house that I rarely do myself. For example - I don't wash the dishes very often these days, and I pretty much never clean anything in the basement where all of the children sleep.
The flip side of that, is the fact that there is a lot more work when everyone is living at home -- laundry piles up at a prodigious rate; more cooking and food preservation is required; the house gets dirtier in far less time and, while there are more people around to help with things, you can never quite count on adult children being avaliable to help when the help is needed!
9) They are all old enough to scrounge up their own food if I don't cook for them. This might be dangerous for children who have a mother who doesn't like to cook. Please don't ask them how often they are left to scrounge!
The difference in the amount of groceries we go through with everyone at home is astounding. Just when I think I've stocked up, I realize that the milk won't last through the weekend or the granola I just made has all disappeared!
10) There is the most immense satisfaction and joy in watching your children be best friends. There's nothing quite like it and I love it.
There really is no con for this one. I will be very honest: there have been moments of intense struggle in the adjustments and changes that have come in this stage of mothering. I can't tell you how many times I have thought I would write about the challenges of this strange, fluid stage of parenthood. But it's in those moments of observing my children's friendship that I am just overcome with the privilege of having them all here under one roof, and the challenges suddenly don't seem worth mentioning.
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I hope you enjoyed this little pro and con post. I hope I gave an honest enough description to give you a glimpse of some of the joys and challenges without sounding all whiney or all rosy. Because here's the thing -- life is pretty much a 50/50 deal! It's okay to talk about both.
