Some days I feel so shallow, so surface-y, so white washed on the outside only. I say I'm a Christian, that my debts have been paid, my sins forgiven, my life changed, my heart made new. The truth is, I feel like the owner of a fancy, elaborate computer that has the ability to do thousands of things, and all I'm doing is typing out form letters in Times New Roman! Sure, we all enjoy reading letters, but what's the point of owning it all and using so little?
Some days I long to dig deeper. What is it that I'm missing? Is there something I've failed to do? Is there more that I just need to grab a hold of? Are there things in my past that I need to take care of? Are there failures, hurts, broken places that are affecting my 'now' and holding me back?
I'm not much of a philosopher. I like things that are practical; things that are simple and uncomplicated. Sometimes I think we enjoy the complicated processes. It sounds more spiritual and holy to 'deal with the past' and allow God to 'take us on journeys'. There seems to be something exhilerating about digging into our past and examining the pain and disappointments found there. I won't say there is never a time and a place for that, but sometimes I wonder if we become so in love with the complicated that we completely miss the simplicity of Salvation.
This morning I dealt with the chaotic business of getting four children out the door and to school on time with combed hair and clean clothes and something in their stomachs and lunch boxes and all their papers signed and in hand. I've been having these "Is there something more?" and "What am I missing?" kinds of questions for the past month or so. I'd been struggling with knowing whether some pain in the past needed to be looked at and God didn't really seem to be giving a clear answer. Chris and I talked about some of this, and suddenly I felt my focus shift: I've been making everything so complicated!
Maybe I do need to act and not just nod and say words. Maybe I do need to figure out how to do more with the elaborate computer in my possession. Could it be that the way to do that is much more simple than I imagined? Could it be that establishing and sticking with some morning procedures for my children might be more important right now than feeding the homeless man? Could it be that stepping up the discipline around here and curbing some whiny, bad attitudes might be more important right now than digging into my past pain? Could it be that doing my Mom job might be what I am missing rather than some great spiritual experience or truth?
Yes, there is always more to life; more to learn and grow in. But sometimes the 'more' is so simple that I fail to see it. Simple isn't always easy, it doesn't always bring the biggest high or the most recognition but it's really all my Father asks of me. And, if there's deeper, more complicated things? I know He can show me those too!