Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Dear Mom,

I've been avoiding this, Mom.
Been spending half my time 
pretending there's nothing going on
and the other half trying to figure out
what it is I'm trying to avoid.

It would be tempting to blame it all 
on four innocent pieces of fabric.

We had fun shopping for them --
well, mostly anyway.
It took us awhile to decide
what we each wanted
but I think in the end we were 
pleased with the choices we made.

And it was fun to decide
how to make them --
A square neck or a round one?
These sleeves or those?
A belt or no belt?
But somewhere between decisions 
and seams and hems
the fun began to seep away and
a new feeling took it's place.

The only word I could honestly give
the feeling was resentment.
After all, let's face it,
 no one ever plans to make dresses 
for their Dad's wedding!

As I stitched and ironed
(and used the seam ripper),
I would discover a lump forming
 in my throat
and pretty soon a tear would escape
and then another and another....
If no one was around,
the tears might turn into
a full blown sobfest
but mostly I would take myself
in hand and preach.

Why am I crying anyway?
I'm happy for my Dad.
I'm glad this is happening.
 I like Sara, for pete's sake!

And no, you are not going to write about this, 
I would tell myself. People do not
 need to know everything.

It is good to deal in facts, I believe;
to not allow oneself to wallow
in a hopeless mess of
 feelings and emotions.
On the other hand, it is also good 
to realize that one is human
 and therefore 
one will have feelings and emotions
that cannot be dismissed completely even with the truthfulest of facts.

A friend of mine said it best 
when I poured my feelings into 
her kind ears --
"Because. It's missing your mom.
Let the grief come."

Ahhh. That is it.
It's not because I'm unhappy 
about the plans,
Not because it's all so 
hard and terrible, 
And for sure not 
because I don't like Sara!

It is really the simple fact that the need for these dresses 
brings home the stark reality 
that you are not here, Mom.
And I miss you, that is all.

And so, when the lump comes into my throat and the tears spill down my cheeks, I will allow them their place; they are necessary and healing.
But come Saturday, when we don the lovely dresses and celebrate a new beginning, I will smile with happiness in my heart for the two 
special people joining hands. 

Because it is okay to miss you, Mom,
and embrace the welcoming of my dad's new wife all at the same time.

And maybe it's okay for people to know everything, after all.


Rosina said...

Isn't that how so much of life is--we hold both joy and sorrow and need God's grace in the middle of it all.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.

Shannon said...

My heart aches for you and all the emotions entangled in a day like this.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate... My sis-in-law remarried, now has a cute little girl with her 2nd husband, and I'm very glad for her, but I've had to work thru those feelings, too.

Betsy said...

Praying for God's grace and peace to be with you on Saturday. I still miss my Mom everyday too and understand.

Tina Z. said...

You'll never 'get over' missing your dear mom....even if you like Sara!! I appreciate your post. And special blessings to the whole Gingerich family on Saturday (Sara too).:) Love you❤

Ernest Eby said...

Thanks for sharing Bethany. So glad to hear you acknowledge the grief of your Mom being gone, but gladness over the new step your father is taking. God bless you all on Saturday!--Cathy

Lucinda J Miller said...

Really beautiful. I'm so glad you decided to let us in--because it really is okay after all

Miller scribe said...

Beautiful dresses. Thoughts & prayers for the day...

Judith Lapp said...

yes... joy and sorrow. breathed a prayer for you, this day.