17 Things From 17 Years: Post 13

#13: Becoming parents is one of the most redemptive things a person can ever experience.

One day, two starry-eyed individuals holding high ideals and lofty dreams join hands in marriage. Their future is bright with hope and the abilities of all their young knowledge. They dream of children and a family and, for many of them, those dreams become reality. The children come.

Long before their actual physical arrival, the redemptive process is begun. Their invisible presence brings swift change. It brings nausea and tears and moodiness and weariness and an upheaval of everything you had begun to know. As their presence becomes more visible, it brings aches and pains, inability to sleep, discomfort, fear of the unknown, worry, anxiousness and endless entertainment and the stirring of deep love. Those flutters, those kicks, those hiccups, those somersaults; they wrap us around tiny fingers.

And then, they come. They come, and they re-arrange your body, and your feelings, and your emotions, and your time and your sleep, and your energy, and your schedule and your ideals and your pursuits and your goals and your house.

They come, and they reveal shocking things about your levels of humility and selfishness and anger and mercy and creativity and frustration and embarrassment and patience and forgiveness and pride and endurance and flexibility and wisdom.

They come, and they wreck your ideas of perfection -- a clean house, well kept flowerbeds, a tidy schedule, a flourishing garden, a relaxing shopping trip, full nights of sleep, cheerfully eaten meals, pristine white walls, time with your partner, time for yourself...

And then, they turn around and teach you the things of importance -- slobbery kisses, sweet smiles at 2 a.m., long lashes on soft cheeks, chubby toes in rippling water, sticky fingers clasping your neck, shiny eyes over a story read, tears stopped with a kiss and a cuddle, whispered "I wuv yous", tearful "I'm sorrys", hearfelt "thank yous", hilarious drawings in heart melting notes, late night talks, salvation prayers, struggles shared, obedience observed......

They come, and they change you. If you allow it, they serve to redeem.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 12

#12: Loving through "sickness and  health, prosperity and adversity" is where deep relationships grow.

Sometimes, when life is rolling along smoothly and there are no misunderstandings, no issues to work through, no major stresses happening, no life - changing events going on, I look at my marriage and think how wonderful it is. It's easy to wish that life could always stay that way.

Interesting thing is, looking back on 17 years of marriage, I can plainly see where the most growth in our marriage has happened. You guessed it. It wasn't when life was rolling along smoothly.

We've had some hard years. I hesitate to even say that. Compared to many other's 'hard', the things I'm talking about are almost nothing at all. But to me they were difficult, to the point that it's been hard to even look back at them sometimes. Part of that is wishing I could go back and do things differently; learn more quickly. But part of it is just plain not ever wanting to live through those things again.

And yet, sitting here looking back -- letting the tears fill my eyes and remembering -- I realize that those very experiences are where our marriage grew the most. If life had always rolled along smoothly, our roots would probably still be spindly little webs, reaching barely below the surface. As it is, our roots have stretched deep and become so intertwined and strong that even when the stresses and the issues come, there is a deep assurance that neither of us is going anywhere and that our commitment to God and each other will see us through.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 11

#11: Be flexible or be miserable.

This one is probably not something that will apply to all wives. Not all of you are married to men who like to plan things spur of the moment and who hate to set anything in stone. But I am. And this quote is perfection.

Long, long ago in the nursing baby, toddler potty training, diaper bag schlepping days, I somehow embraced tried to imbrace the importance of being flexible. I'm so glad I did.

Chris was a small business owner back then, building and installing kitchen countertops in all manner of kitchens. I have so many good memories of dragging my little kiddos out to the job.  Chris loved to have us there to help him clean up or to give him an extra set of hands or to just keep him company.

Sometimes the houses were new ones and we had the place to ourselves to run around and play Hide and Seek or I Spy. Other times we met the owners who gave our children chocolate chip cookies or sent home vintage toys or boxes of multi colored dominoes they still play with today. I remember one dear old lady who played Uno with my little tots. There were a few customers we made friends with and went back to visit long after their countertops were completed.

It wasn't that taking down directions to an obscure place, loading everyone up and keeping them happy throughout the process was always easy or convenient. I had my days when I drug my feet or grouched my way through. Sometimes I had to say no, I just can't do it today. But I'm so glad for all the times I dropped everything and went.

You never know how much time you have left to spend with each other. Sure, his spur of the moment, decide-as-you-go stuff annoys me sometimes. I learned long, long ago that you don't ever tell your children any plans until the last minute. Sure as you tell them earlier, plans will change and you'll be left dealing with disappointed kiddos. But it's always worth dropping my plans in order to spend time together. No one ever got to the end of their lives and wished they wouldn't have spent so much time with their loved ones.

So,yes. Seventeen years of marriage has changed me quite a lot in the flexibility department. You never know when you might get a call asking "Can you go pick up some tires and bring them to the shop?" or "Be ready to go out for supper when I get home!" It keeps life interesting and it sure isn't worth being miserable about.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 10

#9: Giving my body to my husband means more than I will ever understand.

Intimacy in marriage is sacred; it is not something to go around blabbing about lightly, I understand that. On the other hand, it is also a vital part of marriage; a special element created by God to provide endless layers of beauty and amazement. I can't help but think that makes it an important thing to talk about!

The question is, how to talk about it and what to say and leave unsaid? Because I don't know the answers to those questions, I will keep this very brief and simple.

As a rule, men are born with a substantially higher sex drive than women. This is a well known, well documented fact. Sadly, modern American society has begun characterizing a man's need for sex as a bad thing. Men in America today are portrayed as lust filled sex addicts who are out of control. The truth is, men were created with a desire for sex in the same way that women were created with a desire for love. To a man, his wife's love is spelled S E X.

As I have slowly begun to grasp this concept, I've also come to recognize another fact. To my husband, intimacy is so much more than the act itself. God created men with an inborn desire to conquer, protect, provide, achieve. When I give my body to my husband and allow him to love me physically, to take possesion of my entire being and to become one with me, it does something for him deep inside. My willingness to give myself to him empowers him to love me in fierce, undying, beautiful ways.

Every time that I lay down my stress, my moods, my weariness, my frustration, my tense listening for children, my selfishness... The gift that I give to my husband and my marriage is of far greater value than I can begin to measure. For it is in giving, that we receive.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 9

#9: My husband needs down time too.

I hear a lot these days about self care for women. There's a huge push for mothers, particularly, to create time for themselves. We're encouraged to make space for doing something creative or getting away alone occasionally in order to recharge and, ultimately, be a better mom.

I get it.

Honestly, blogging is probably one of those 'self care' things for me. I do it for myself more than anything else. It gives me a place to process in writing, which is the way I process best. It gives me an outlet for some of my creativity, it's something I make time for that's just for me.

We don't usually think of men needing down time. They go to work and then get off work and come home. A man's job is not 24/7 like a mother's; now is the time for him to help her out, right?

Some men come home and hide behind the newspaper. Some have a hobby they tinker with or maybe they like to read or keep up on the sports/world news. Maybe they enjoy golfing or playing volleyball with a local team or hunting or fishing or shooting hoops with some buddies. Chris likes to play computer games.

We've had a lot of head knocking in our marriage over that issue. I was sure sometimes that he loved those games more than he loved his wife. And he probably did sometimes. For good reason. After all, computer games don't nag.

Of course, it's not just all one sided. Men can be addicted to their hobbies and their work and fail to spend the time with their wife and children that they should. For me though, my attitude was the biggest thing that needed an adjustment.

When I realized that my husband needs down time too and that sitting there, playing a game, was his way to relax and unwind after a long day, I became much more understanding. I stopped being bitter about my 'competition' and even discovered Chris loved to have me sit beside him while he relaxed. In fact, the more understanding and tolerant I am of his need for down time, the less he seems to need it.

Whether that is actually true may be debatable. Possibly it's just my focus that makes all the difference. Then again, maybe he just enjoys spending time with a wife who's not nagging.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 8

#8: Express appreciation for what your husband does. Over and over. Many times. Sincerely.

We all like to be appreciated for what we do. Children light up and go the extra mile when they are praised; a weary Mom receives new courage from a child's simple thank you or a stranger's quiet compliment. There are many stories of students who's teacher made all the difference in their lives because she praised them for what they did well. Men aren't any different.

I don't think we've been taught very well to express appreciation to our men. We get this idea that men are tough, they're not feelings oriented, they're logical and stoic; expressing appreciation isn't that important.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Tell him. Tell him you appreciate how he goes to work day after day to make a living, tell him how you appreciate when he offers to help, tell him how you love to see him interacting with your children, tell him you appreciate how he hangs up his towel, tell him, tell him, tell him. Tell him how much you appreciated him doing the thing you asked him plainly to do. I know you secretly think if he really loved you, you wouldn't have to ask. But you asked and he did it! He didn't have to; express your appreciation.

You want to know something? A lot of men don't want to do things for their wives because they feel like they can't ever do enough; what's the point? Translation: they don't feel appreciated.

"I can do all that stuff for her and she's not even going to appreciate it. She just expects me to do it because she thinks it's what I should be doing."

There is power in expressing appreciation. It means just as much to a man as it does to anyone else.

Tell him.

17 Things From 17 Years: Post 7

#7: My husband wants to be told plainly, not hinted to.

I am not a straightforward person, so maybe this one is particularly for me. But I don't think so. I think this is pretty strictly a female idea: "If my husband does something for me, it doesn't mean anything if I asked him to do it."

Know what I'm saying?

How many of you mothers with little children have gone through the rush and flurry of getting out the door on a Sunday morning thinking one frustrated thought -- "If he really cared about me; if he really loved me, he would see that I need help and offer to do something!!"

Or, how about this. It's Thursday and the grass really needs to be mowed and you know that Friday night your husband won't be at home and Saturday the chances of rain are very high and you really, really want the grass cut because you're planning to have company on Sunday. Do you sit down and explain all of that to him plainly? Or do you make a few subtle hints about everything that needs to be done before Sunday and look how tall the grass is getting already and wonder why he doesn't get it that it would be nice if he would offer to mow tonight?

Tell the man! Tell him. He cannot read your mind.

He cannot always know what restaurant you really want to go to or when you wish he would wash the dishes or which evening it would be so helpful if he would bathe the toddler or when you are reaching a breaking point and really need some alone time or that picking up his socks every morning is really making you angry or how you feel about having sex tonight.

Sometimes he will know. Sometimes he will offer to bring pizza home for supper or have the house all cleaned up when you come back from being gone or put the baby to sleep when you are exhausted or think about mowing the grass Thursday because you're getting company Sunday. But most of the time he wishes you would just tell him.

That doesn't mean that every time you just tell him, he's going to sweetly do every little thing you want. But most of the time husbands love to make their wives happy. And they love knowing how to make them happy.

How can they know how if you don't tell them?