Dear Mom

There will probably always be moments in life that bring back the shock of that early morning phone call. I lay in bed this morning and re-lived it all -- the numb, slow motion process of getting ready to leave for Arkansas; the appearance of kind friends and the sweet gifts of love; the out of body feeling of just doing the next thing. I let my mind replay planning a funeral and greeting the long, long line of visitors until my feet tingled and my smile turned plastic. I felt again the utter exhaustion and laying on the floor searching for words while my family slept and the tears flowed.

We didn't have a chance to tell you goodbye, Mom. There were no long days and weeks of lingering and pain and last words. There was no declining and watching you fade away by inches. You were here one day, and gone the next; voice vibrant and suddenly silent. Many people have commented on how hard the suddenness must have been. Quite honestly, I've always been glad that's how you could go.

The truth is, there is no 'easy' when it comes to death. There might be pros and there might be cons; there might be easier and harder, in some ways. But there is no 'easy '.

Today a friend's mom is no longer here. Her story was completely different than ours - different parts harder and easier, if you will. But as I've watched her experience unfold and allowed myself to relieve my own, I'm reminded again that death has no 'easy'.

At the same time, I'm also reminded it has no power, no victory and no permanency! It is a strange paradox of pain and rejoicing, of sweet memories and tearful goodbyes, of heart wrenching finality and joyful anticipation.

So today Mom,  I embrace all of it. I'm imagining you welcoming my friend's mom to the choir; showing her around and rejoicing that another child has come home. At the same time, I'm wiping tears and lifting my friend in prayer, because death has no 'easy' and we miss you both oh, so much.

Enjoy the sights for me, Mom. One of these days there will be no more tearful goodbyes, what a day that will be!

Love,  Bethany

"Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows ... and with His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:4 and 5

John 15

Thoughts on memorizing John 15......

15:1 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman."

These are the words I've been listening to over and over for the past month. After reading the laborious laws and rituals commanded over and over to the Children of Israel, the deep, relational words of John 15 have felt soothing to me.

15:4 "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me."

No more meticulous law keeping, no more sacrifices and offerings; I cannot produce fruit on my own. Come, says Jesus. I want a relationship with you.

15:10 "If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love."

Yes, your fruit is important; I want you to follow me. But I want that fruit to be a result of our relationship, because you love me.

15:15 "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you."

Friends. Is there any sweeter relationship than that? Friends. We tell each other everything.

15:19 "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you."

You are different; called out; special. Don't be surprised when you don't fit in. I have chosen you. You are mine, not the world's.

Abide in me, abide in me.... how I long to rest in that place as effortlessly as the branch in the vine. How I long to abide in Him and He in me, so that His fruit spills out because that's all that is in me to bring forth.

John 15 was a familiar passage but committing it to memory has made the words there richer and sweeter.

"A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred." ~Amy Carmichael

Bits Of Random

I can't seem to shake the zero ambition for writing. I tried to trick myself into the mood yesterday by saying if I got my cleaning done early enough, I could write a blog post... but it didn't really work. I thought of copying a fellow blogger who pretended to sit down with her readers for a cup of coffee but that idea kinda fell flat for me too. Maybe, the best thing to do is just to sit down and write. Or maybe I will discover the best thing is actually to just shut up; we'll see.

Today is the third day of sunshine in a row; I nearly forgot such a thing was possible! The breeze is still pretty chilly but that sunshine does wonders for the soul.

It's a busy time of the year, (Wait. Is there even a time of year that isn't?) with the last couple months of school ahead and a myriad of activities, especially for the high school students. The younger ones have had all kinds of special days at school including dress up ones.

 

And the high school spent a night and day going to REACH; which it sounds like everyone else and their neighbor also attended. Next week they reap the fruits of all their fundraising and take a trip to Washington D.C.  And then there is Choirfest and track and field to prepare for, not to mention graduation coming up and this year we are one of the parents...

Yeah. My head feels like it's spinning too. I have a feeling we're only beginning to get a taste of this stage of parenting.

It's a good thing we still have a healthy dose of a different stage of parenting to keep us amused most days.

What? You don't all have your bookshelves labeled by in house librarians?

We even have a library sign prominently displayed on our living room wall. You should come check out the great service!

I'll never get tired of this little voice sounding out new words. He loves bringing home new "books" to read. You know he has a good kindergarten teacher when every sentence with an exclamation point has to be carefully sounded out and then repeated in a loud, excited voice because he's been taught what those marks mean! It is also very amusing.

*******
At the same time as I am making my way through Deuteronomy and now Joshua as I read the Bible chronologically, I've also joined my girls as they begin working on their quiz passage for next year. Much to my shame, it's been years since I've memorized Bible verses! It's a little shocking to realize how hard I have to work at it compared to brains that are so much younger than mine. With 7 chapters in their passage this year, I am not making any bold promises about keeping up with them but I have really actually enjoyed the challenge of working on the first chapter.

Reading through the Bible in a year means reading chunks at a time rather rapidly. I've been enjoying that. Listening to it in the NLT version makes it feel more like listening to a good story book. At the same time, repeatedly going over the same words time and time again as I memorize has been therapuetic, like a gentle, soothing cadence.

*******
I know I have not updated you on our foster care story lately. It is complicated. We are right at a year since taking classes and still have no license in hand. I have no doubt that God has a reason for every odd detail in this process but I confess that I have no idea what all those reasons are. I'll also confess to tears and frustration but ultimately, it's pretty clear that He is in control, not me. I only ask that He makes the way very clear that He wants us to take. Maybe you could put in a few petitions for me to that end?

I hate being vague but the subject is too personal and a blog is too public...

*******
I should be in the kitchen right this minute, working on food for a fundraiser supper tonight. Someday, in another life, I'd like to actually enjoy being in the kitchen. At present, let's just say the words 'enjoy' and 'kitchen' don't belong in the same sentence in my mind.

How people can be so different from each other is a never failing amazement. I told Jasmine how I actually made myself breakfast the other morning and even took a picture so she could see it.

She said something like, "Oh, wasn't it just fun to create something different and delicious?!" Ummmmm. Not really. I mean, it tasted good...

I'm not sure if one can change that perspective? Maybe. Or is it like our 2+ hour conversation after a Sunday lunch where we hashed all the sides of how two members of our household think, compared to two other members. All we could really conclude was that we believed the other side but we sure couldn't imagine being that way.

*******
This is now getting beyond bits of random. High time I shut it down before I hit delete and decide it really would be better to remain silent.

I am going to go listen to an audio book, cut up salad stuff and, as *Susan would say, "If I can't look pleasant, I'll look as pleasant as I can."

A happy day to you, and twice on Thursday!

*Susan, in 'Rilla of Ingleside'

*******
PS. Sometimes I really wonder what I'll be like at sixty. Totally forgot that the first thing I needed to do when I got home from school was mix up a batch of sourdough bread. Then, when I was mixing it, I dutifully get the bread flour out and when I get ready to put in flour, I promptly pull out the regular flour and measure it in!

That's not all. I needed to get gas after dropping school children off at school this morning. I grab my credit card and keys and hop out of the van. As the door closes I hear this beep and the sound of the doors locking and I have this moment of sheer you've-got-to-be-kidding-me panic.... until I realize -- Oh. Yeah. I'm holding my keys.

If this is forty, send help.

Remember To Remember

The alarm went off this morning, and I remembered that I needed to get up. I remembered that it was Tuesday and that I didn't need to take the children to school, that Isaac would do that. I remembered that I needed to pack lunches and that there was pizza in the fridge. I remembered that one classroom was trading lunches, which meant I wasn't actually packing a lunch for my daughter but for someone else. I remembered what time everyone needed to be ready and heading out the door and the things that needed to be done to get to that place.

What would it be like to not remember?

Chris and I once watched a dvd about a person who suffered from antegrade amnesia. I'd never heard of it either. Basically, it means that a person suffers a brain injury and looses their ability to create new memories. They can remember events from before their injury, but no matter how much time passes, they wake up every morning thinking they are back at the day before their injury occurred. As you can imagine, this condition would lead to huge issues in trying to lead a normal life. Our ability to remember impacts so much of our every day work and quality of life.

I am reading through the chronological Bible this year -- along with everyone else in our church, I might add, but maybe I'll talk about that some other time. We are currently in Deuteronomy and that's really what started all my thoughts about remembering.

I'm intrigued with this theme in Deuteronomy; with the way Moses leads the Israelites back through the archives of their memories. He relates to them their whole story, starting back in Egypt. This is not a short little discourse on the highlights of their history. No, Moses drags it all up; the hard, the amazing, and the terrible. He recounts all God's mighty acts, all the Israelites pathetic failures and all the details in between. But that isn't all. He tells them to keep remembering. And he gives them a reason.

After Moses describes to them the land they are about to enter -- a land that is beautiful and plentiful; full of food and comfort and wealth -- then he tells them this:

“But that is the time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations, and decrees that I am giving you today." Deut 8:11 NLT

When I am reading about the children of Israel, I almost always start comparing them to 'my people'. For some reason I'm constantly drawing parallels between them and my Anabaptist heritage. As I've read through Deuteronomy, I can almost hear my ancestors saying, "Beware lest you forget!" And I've looked around with tears and aching heart and wondered, is this what we're missing? Is this where we're failing?

If our ability to remember impacts so much of our every day work and quality of life in the physical world, is the same true for the spiritual world? Is it critical to look back and remember as a people; as a church; as a family; as individuals? I can't help but think it is important. Looking back and remembering my own story -- the good, the bad and the ugly -- has been a good checkpoint for me. A good reminder to beware.

What do you think? Is remembering an important part of your spiritual quality of life?

P.S. The pictures are to

help me remember 

that winter 

will not

last forever...

February In Review

I loved reading your comments, I think I'd like to come gaze out y'alls windows!  Scene 1 was my current view... And by the time I had finished writing, it had changed to scene 2:

 

The winner of giveaway #4 is Karen, who commented: "I see my bird feeder  (which is empty) I'll fill it up yet before leaving my classroom... blue sky, brown field, an astute brick southern mansion up on the hill beyond the field that separates our little white school house from them. "

Karen, email your address to christopherbethany@juno.com and I will get "The Ministry Of Ordinary Places" sent your way!

I really enjoyed doing this month of giveaways; thanks for participating and making it fun! The only thing I don't like about giveaways is that I can't make everyone a winner. I'd love to. ☺

February held more than just giveaways and more cold days. I thought I'd give you all a little review of the highlights with pictures....

On February the 4th, I turned 40.

That's a big number.

But the celebrating made it almost worth it   -- there were no less than six different celebrations, each one special and unique. It made me feel humbled and tearful. 

My youngest came home from kindergarten reading words and little stories!

There was a school open house with a powerful speaker and fun exhibits. Lillian's classroom made this little town...

Complete with so many fun details...

She was proud to point them all out. 

Jasmine turned 15 on the 8th.

Yes, she's that much taller than me. 

Current favorite game. 

This particular time his first question was

"Does your person have a mustache?"

You can imagine his glee 

when the answer was yes!

My birthday surprise from Chris was scribbled on a napkin at the restaurant...

After consulting my children, everyone wanted to go back to Florida again!

As I told a friend 

who asked about our trip afterward --

"It was good, in a 'very-much-not-how-I-envisioned-it' kind of way".

We got an Airbnb in northern Florida this time and the weather didn't cooperate very well -- not so much lovely sunshine and blue sky as we were hoping for, the promised pool not open... but we really did have a good week together. 

We have a science museum membership right now, so we enjoyed two museums!

The first one had lots and lots of hands on projects we all loved. 

This was a challenge to hang 10 to 12 nails on one upright one. 

Chris and I managed to get

 20 nails on there!

This fellow showed up one day to check out our picnic. Came right up and snatched a tidbit off of the picnic table!

The second museum was a Naval Aviation Museum. Simulated flying with The Blue Angels and watching a video about the space station had to be the highlights here. 

Blue skies and sunshine though we may have lacked, it was still a lovely far cry from the snow and cold of Ohio!

Putt Putting was a big hit. 

Twice. 

And the most fun of all was having our own little house to hang out in. It meant cooking most of our meals but that was actually kind of fun too, to see how efficient we could be with using up every little bit of food by week's end. 

Scum was the game of choice, 

even while traveling home. 

I also had discovered an app that allows me to borrow audio book through our local library so we enjoyed "Cheaper By The Dozen" and "The Phantom Tollbooth".

And then it was back home and straight back to real life the next morning!

And this was my view on March 1

And now I really must run along and take care of laundry and get something else done. Happy Monday to all!

Giveaway #4

It was interesting to hear about people who have influenced your thinking. Sometimes those people are the ones closest to us and sometimes they show up in unexpected places. We never know who we might be influencing with our own lives; stop and think about that sobering thought for a minute.

Ellie Miller is the winner for giveaway #3. Ellie, your comment tugged at my heartstrings and I'm so happy to be sending you "Falling Free"! Please email your address to christopherbethany@juno.com and I will get it sent your way!

------------------------------------------------------

I'd been thinking about this post all of last week, wondering how to tell you about Shannan's second book, "The Ministry Of Ordinary Places". One day, couped up in a van with my family, the audio book we were listening to suddenly provided me with the perfect picture of the message and heart Shannan is sharing with the world.

"Many years ago, on this very spot, there was a beautiful city full of fine houses and inviting spaces and no one who lived here was ever in a hurry. The streets were full of wonderful things to see and the people who lived here often stopped to look at them."

"Didn't they have any place to go?" asked Milo. 

"To be sure!" continued Alec. "But as you know, the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between, and they took great pleasure in doing just that.

"Then one day, someone discovered that if you walked as fast as possible, and looked at nothing but your shoes, you'd arrive at your destination much more quickly. Soon everyone was doing it. They all rushed down the avenues and hurried along the boulevards, seeing nothing of the wonder and beauty of their city as they went...

"No one paid any attention to how things looked, and as they moved faster and faster, everything grew uglier and dirtier. And as everything grew uglier and dirtier, they moved faster and faster and at last a very strange thing began to happen. Because nobody cared, the city slowly began to disappear. Day by day the buildings grew fainter and fainter and the streets faded away until at last it was entirely invisible and there was nothing to see at all."

"What did they do?" asked the Humbug...

"Nothing at all," continued Alec. "They went right on living just as they'd always done, in houses they could no longer see, on the streets which had vanished, because nobody had noticed a thing. And that's the way they've lived to this very day."

"Hasn't anyone told them? asked Milo. 

"It doesn't do any good," Alec replied. "For they can never see what they're in too much of a hurry to look for." 

~excerpt from The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

This is the eye-opening truth Shannan is trying to tell us; the revelation our world needs. Far too many of us have stopped paying attention to anything but the tips of our own shoes. We've gotten so wrapped up in our own agendas, our own ideas, our own lives, that the world around us -- the sky, the trees, our neighbors -- have faded away. We preach the Bible, the loving and caring gospel, but the truth is we can't truly love and care until we slow down and pay attention to our ordinary places.

In her book, Shannan shares how she is learning to do just that. How walking her children to school has made her slow down and notice her neighborhood; how accepting a gift sometimes does more than being the giver; how opening her home to strangers has opened her eyes and built friendships. How making a point of stopping to listen, to pay attention, has opened doors and provided opportunities and begun ministries she never would have dreamed of.

To be sure, this shift in vision not only opens our hearts to caring and loving and seeing, it also guarantees a front seat to more pain and hurt and heartache than we've probably ever experienced before. But isn't this what Jesus is all about? Isn't this how He lived out His life on earth? I long to learn more about living like He did; about seeing with His eyes.

For a chance to win a copy of "The Ministry Of Ordinary Places", look out your window and tell me what you notice. Come back next Monday and I'll announce our last winner!

Giveaway #3

It was fun to hear your ideas for the Heart + Art journal. Nobody seemed to think they would have any trouble putting it to good use!

According to random.org, our winner is Shirley Martin who commented,  "So beautiful! I would take it to journal on our next trip to India. And I would color the pictures with my daughter on the 17 hour flight. "

Shirley, email your address to christopherbethany@juno.com and I will see if I can get your journal to you before your India trip!

Don't forget, if you would like to order a journal for yourself, you will find them here.

    ------------------------------------------

My last two giveaways are of a different variety; they're books.

Shannan Martin came into my life about 10 years ago as "Flower Patch Farmgirl". I had discovered the world of blogs through a magazine article by Kelle Hampton and during late night sessions of feeding my baby, I accidentally stumbled upon the fact that you could click on names in the comments and find even more blogs. I believe it was in the comment sections of Dig This Chick that I saw the frequent name Flower Patch Farmgirl and hopped over to check her out.

I am forever glad that I did.

Shannan may not look like me at all; may not have been brought up the way I was; may not believe all the same things I do, but I have learned so much from her. Not only have I learned from her but I realized looking back, our lives have had a strange sort of parallel-but-different story the past 10 years.

Shannan and her family lived on a farm in Ohio when I first 'met' her. They worked at great jobs and had adopted three children. They were living the American dream. Around the same time that we were struggling financially and making our decision to move to Ohio, Shannan and her family were in the process of letting go of all the things they ever thought they wanted and choosing to move to Indiana to the wrong side of the tracks. I moved in with my in-laws and she moved into a tiny, ugly rental. She began to open her heart to a new neighborhood and way of life and I began opening mine to a new community.

I don't think I fully grasp how much her life and testimony have spoken into mine. I quoted her book "Falling Free" here and here. I shared one of her blog posts on my blog here. I hadn't really stopped to think of it, but my inspiration to share 'How We Met' stories came from her, as did the ambitious idea to spend a whole month writing a series of posts on one subject. Y'all owe her a lot, just saying.

Shannan has graciously answered messages from me and returned emails; she even commented on my blog once! Some day I'm going to get up the nerve to meet her instead of being a shy stalker and looking up her house, only to drive by, when I was in the neighborhood (true story).

Shannan is by no means perfect but she follows the Lord with a whole heartenedness that is refreshing and inspiring. She tells her story in "Falling Free - Rescued from the Life I Always Wanted". Today I'm giving you a chance to win a copy for yourself and encouraging you to go buy yourself the book if you don't win!

To be entered for this giveaway, leave me a comment telling about someone who has influenced your thinking in a powerful way. Come back next Monday to hear about her second book, "Ministry of Ordinary Places".