Dear Mom

If home is where the heart is, than what happens if you have no idea where your heart is??

If it is more accurate to say, "Home is where my family is," than maybe loved ones in Heaven is just God's way of making us realize where He wants Home to be!

Dear Mom,

I came "home" for the first time to no mom here. As I walked in the door of my sisters' house where we're staying, May 6 and the week following came rushing over my senses. We stayed here over the time of your funeral, mom. Spent numb, mechanical days here planning who would lead songs and choosing a burial plot; selecting pictures and memorabilia in your honor; writing poems late at night with kleen x by our side.

This trip has brought you to mind so often, mom. I remember when I told you of our plans, I knew you would love the idea of visiting all the Little Houses! And you did. I can't begin to tell you how many times in the past 9 days of travel I've wanted to tell you all about it. Can't remember how often I've caught myself thinking "I'll have to remember to tell mom _________".

I miss you, Mom.

Today I sat at the quilt you left half quilted and let the tears roll down my cheeks. So many people have told me with knowing nods, "Going home for the first time will be hard," and I've wanted to smack them. "How is that helping?" I've wanted to say. "Don't you think I know it will be hard?" Of course I know that they know that I know that it will be hard, you just say those things and its ok. Because it IS hard.

You're not here to cook for my family anymore, not here to hug my children and ask them about our trip and admire the souvenirs they would proudly show you. Not here to read them the age old stories about "Tabitha Tabby's Fantastic Flavor" and give them snacks in your little bowls on the low, slide out board in your kitchen. You're.not.here.

In many ways I want to run. Run back to Ohio and my own little world (although in some ways I feel like running farther than that right now, the whole "where IS my heart thing). Run away from the daily-ness these people have to face and seem to be doing well with in most ways. Run away from the future here that needs to be made without you, mom. Just run.

But life is life. Death is no surprise. Why do we act like it is? Because we're human, I suppose. Because we're on this earth and we can't just sit around waiting to die. And so, we make the first trips home and the first......everythings......because, well, it must be done! And we know in our hearts that if we allow it, it will make us stronger, better people. People who's hearts are turned toward Home in new and deeper ways. People who try a little harder to focus on what counts and remember the fact a little more clearly that we are all dying and we are all longing for Home!

Love you,
Bethany

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We'll catch you up with the rest of our trip one of these days :) For now we're busy playing with cousins, enjoying family.... and shedding some tears and feeling the ache.... and longing for Home!