"You know what it's like," some of them said. "You've been there," said others, "Only for you you had no time to say good bye! I can't imagine." "How is your dad making out?" some wondered, "How has this year of adjustment been for you?" one person asked.
It's times like these when I still can't quite grasp that I am *that* person - the one who has been there, who knows what it's like, who's dad is alone, who's dealt with grief.... Sometimes it still seems completely unreal; not me at all!
There are those times, of course, when it hits hard that this is, most certainly, real! I suppose, like everyone says, the Holidays are a prime time for those feelings to crop up. Over Thanksgiving time I found myself mourning the loss of ever eating your cornbread dressing again and chiding myself for never asking the details on how to make it myself. And how I would love to have your chicken and biscuits again.... such little things, but they make it all so very real that you are no longer here!
Mostly though I continue to miss being able to tell you things, Mom. So many, many little details of life that just seem meant to be shared with you! Take the viewing we went to today - definitely one of those things I would have been telling you about, making the connections with the people you knew - "You know, Chester Mast's wife. Yes, you know her parents are from here, Cal and Sadie Troyer. They would have been Marvin's neighbors when Chris was young, their children rode to school together." And you would have filled me in on how you knew Chester's parents and all the other pertinent information involved.
I don't even know why I'm writing this tonight, Mom. It's not that I'm really so sad or wish you were here so much. I guess I realized several things today. One is, like I've decided before, there's really no "easier" way. There are pros and cons, yes, but easier? I don't really think so. Also, the more viewings I go to and funerals I attend, the nearer Heaven becomes. I think God intended it to be that way. And that question about my dad and how he's doing that I always dread and never know how to answer? I discovered a good answer today - "He is amazing." I like it. I think I'll keep using it. Because he is!
5 comments:
"The more viewings I go to and funerals I attend, the nearer Heaven becomes. I think God intended it to be that way." I really like how you put this. My feelings about death are changing as I get older, and I am seeing more blessings when people I care about leave this earth. Recently I attended a funeral service for my uncle. It was the first time in years that I had been to one. For the first time I felt a complete sense of peace and contentment at a funeral, feeling very secure in my faith. I don't have any more questions about where I'm going, at least for the time being. The tears that leaked out were not those of confusion or uncertainty. I am in a place where I can reach out to others who are struggling with questions about death in their own lives. My only question right now is, why does it have to be so hard?
i agree with you that there is no easy to die... like you said there are pros and cons, but not easy. one way is not 'better' than another. and yes, heaven seems closer. nearer. ... i want to go :}
Thanks for your comment! I'm so glad you've found peace in your heart, I don't know how I would live without it! My heart echos your last question.... all I can say is, as long as we're living in this fallen world "hard" is reality. Also, I've come to the conclusion that "hard" is when we desperately need Him and that is what His heart so longs for......
Blessings to you, Bethany
It seems that there is nothing like death to settle the fact that 'this world is not my home.'
And, it helps to put things in perspective,right? It is SO HARD to lose a loved one tho. I do appreciate that I can emphasize (?)now with others who lose a loved one. (I should say, 'in part').
I agree with that conclusion of how your dad is: amazing!! (My dad is too!) :)
I'm glad you write about your mom. Not glad that it's part of your story, but glad that you share your feelings since it feels like its helping me in a very small way to prepare for that part of my story. Something I dread very much.
Amen to your observation that there is no easier way to face grief. I've lost family suddenly and with a chance to say good bye- neither one is preferred.
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