I Cried Today

Dear Bio Mom,

I saw you standing there today, waiting outside the door, and suddenly my throat felt tight and my eyes pricked with tears. I thought of not seeing my four year old for two months and I cried. I thought of you hugging her and holding her and never wanting to let go but bravely saying goodbye after the allotted hour. 

I saw you standing there today, waiting outside the door all alone, and suddenly my heart ached. I thought of going through rehab and pulling my life together and working hard day after day for my child and I cried. I thought of all you've done these months and yet how much is out of your hands but to bravely keep on. 

I saw you standing there today, waiting outside the door patiently, and suddenly my heart skipped and my breath came short. What if? What if you haven't worked as hard as I hope? What if your resolve slips and the temptations come too strong? What if it's too hard one day to be brave and keep going? The ache in my heart gripped me and the tears fell down. 

I saw you standing there today and I cried. My heart longed to ensure a good outcome; a "right" one. But I knew that all that's in my power is to do the small bit that I can. And so I came home and read ten stories and whispered another prayer and hugged your four year old a little tighter tonight. 

I can't orchestrate this story, no matter how hard I wish I could. Only God knows both sides of these pages and all the hidden lines and phrases in between. Tonight I'm trusting Him with the writing and begging Him to please, please keep you in the story; your four year old needs you.