Monday, October 25, 2021

My Father's Touch 2.0

My soul feels cluttered these days. There are no words for the heartache of this wide world that I live in. And in my own, narrow world? No words for the muddle of questions and wrestlings and feelings that take up all the space in my brain. 

And so, today on my way home from town, I intentionally turned left at the stop sign instead of right. I took the path less traveled, and I stepped outside. I took the time once again to pause and look for beauty. And when I opened my eyes to actually see.... there it was:


A splash of yellow here...


Abandoned buckeyes there...


Crimson bittersweet vine climbing high...


Why, hello there Woolly Worm!


Hint of orange in the green...


Clusters of blue...


Leftovers from the squirrels...


Hint of pink and purple...


Spot of red....

In the process, somehow the clutter in my soul cleared a little. 

I accepted again my place in the story and felt down deep the presence of God. I acknowledged once again that people are people, and that we're all here (mostly) trying to do the right thing. I spoke to myself the truth, that one can judge right and wrong without judging the humans involved; that, indeed, it is necessary. 

Then I went home and put my groceries away and ate cottage cheese with salt and pepper on saltines. I cleaned out my fridge and washed the nasty dishes and swept the gritty floor. I breathed in deep and promised myself that I would remember to open my eyes wide more often.

Maybe you should too?


Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Untitled

I'm laying on the recliner in my quiet house this morning, listening to the clock tick, and trying to untangle all the thoughts and feelings of the past 7+ days. The suitcases have all been unpacked and put away, the laundry washed and folded, but my mind keeps replaying and rehashing a myriad of thoughts and feelings and experiences. The short version is that my sister got married last Friday, and my girls and I spent the week before the wedding in Arkansas, helping get things ready. The long version is much more nuanced and layered with feelings and emotions, half of which aren't mine to share and the other half of which are rather sacred and personal. 

Rachel is the sister next to me in age (there's two brothers between us, which makes her a little over 9 years older than me), but growing up, I don't remember us being especially close. My next older sister was the one who was like my second mom -- we shared a bedroom and she combed my hair and I cried sadly when she went off to teach school in Virginia. Somewhere along the line though, Rach and I became close. Maybe, it was when I grew up and we were the same size and shared dresses and shoes. Maybe, it was when we lived in the same community after I was married. Maybe, it was after my mom died and Rach became my main source of connection with the world I had moved away from. For sure, it's been the last couple of years, watching her and Steven's story unfold and realizing how much alike we are in some ways and how very different in others. 

I feel so, so privileged to have been able to spend that week in Arkansas before the wedding. God worked out a ride for my girls and I, so we didn't have to drive out alone, and Chris was way more than generous with encouraging me to go and leave him and the boys behind. Forever grateful. It was such a good week. 

I'll share a few pictures, but I won't even try to do justice. It's not my wedding to share for one thing. Also, I couldn't begin to tell it all.  Rach is a woman of unbelievable creativity and sentimental attention to detail and the wedding was so perfectly her, it makes me get tears every time I look through my pictures again.

The venue was a little ol Arkansas church built in 1907. 

(And that is a tiny, little puzzle, made by a niece for the children's treasure hunt bags)


They kept the guest list to right around 100, and the effect was a relaxed, informal, "family gathering" kind of atmosphere.









It was a beautiful, beautiful day. 

And now, it's home to the real world. My emotions have been all over the place and I'm still catching up on my sleep but life goes on and we all go along with it...... 


PS. I'm sorry, Ohio. Arkansas is still the most beautiful place in the world. The End.