#6: Learning each other's love language is interesting and helpful.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a fan of love languages, personality tests, the four countries and the like. It's so interesting to see the differences in how people do life and I like tidy little lists that show how it works. If you're not like that, that's fine. I know it can get a little over done sometimes.
When we got married, The Five Love Languages must have been the new, hot book on the market. We were gifted at least two, if not three, copies. I enjoyed the book, so that was a good thing.
Recently, I came across an online test for not only spouses, but also children. I promptly put my whole family through the questioning process. Poor people. But it was so intriguing!
In case this is all Greek to you....
In short, the book outlines five different ways people feel loved: 1) Through Acts Of Service, 2) Through Quality Time Spent Together, 3) Through Words Of Affirmation, 4) By Receiving Gifts, 5) Through Physical Touch. It's possible that several of them make a person feel loved but most of us have one that is our main "love language".
Again, this is just another way to learn what makes the other person tick and helps me know how to live my life accordingly.
For example, gifts are at the bottom of, or next to the bottom of, both Chris and my list of love languages. That might explain why we can count on one hand the gifts we gave each other while dating. And, guess what? It also eliminates any pressure to spend lots of time and money on gifts for each other, because that's not what makes either of us feel the most loved anyway!
Also, I scored a big fat 1 on Physical Touch and Chris scored a 7 as his next to the top love language. Let's just say that might explain... many things.
Also number three. It was extremely interesting to find that Chris scores high on all but one of the love languages. I guess I can either take that to feel overwhelming -- I need to fill so many languages. Or I can take that as a bonus -- it gives me so many ways to choose from.
Also number four. It was even more interesting to note that our whole family scores very low on Receiving Gifts and high on Acts Of Service and Quality Time. Does that mean your love language is affected by how you are brought up? Because we definitely are a family who has always focused on those things. Or are gifts actually really low on all of our radar? I would have leaned toward thinking the parent's focus might affect their children but then, I have one child who's highest score is Physical Touch and that pretty much comes out of nowhere so I'm not so sure that holds true.
Ok. This is getting off subject now and getting over done. I'll stop.
Except, one more thing. The Four Countries idea is a new one for me and was extremely helpful in understanding some of the differences in our marriage. I encourage you to check out the link and then go ahead and listen to the rest of Mark Gungor's stuff on marriage. Good, good stuff!
Now I'm done.
"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much..." Luke 16:10
Monday, June 11, 2018
Friday, June 8, 2018
17 Things From 17 Years: Post 5
#5: Respect is the most important language a wife can learn.
I've written before how eye opening and life changing the book Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs has been for me. It's hard to corral all my thoughts on this subject into a concise, little blog post.
Respect is not a woman's mother tongue; it will not just come naturally. For a long time I struggled with the respect thing because I didn't know how. I couldn't even recognize when I did things that were disrespectful, so how could I learn to speak the language? I remember praying, "God, would you please show me? Please teach me?"
I am still learning.
One of the things that has probably helped me the most is learning to believe that if my husband says something felt disrespectful, than it was. It's easy to just argue "I didn't mean it that way!" I probably didn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it felt that way to him. If I don't acknowledge and believe how it felt to him, how am I ever going to learn his language?
Treating my husband with respect means learning what makes him feel respected, not doing what I think is respectful.
Around the time that I begged God to teach me how to respect, I kept a 'respect journal' for awhile. Every day I would write down anytime I was reminded to act respectfully and did it or anytime I did not act respectfully and realized it later. I think that exercise helped me a lot in gaining awareness of what respect really looks like to my husband.
These days respect is still not my mother tongue. But it's a much more familiar second language! I still don't always speak it fluently or eloquently but I am much more quick to realize my mistakes and try to correct them. That's how you learn.
I've written before how eye opening and life changing the book Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs has been for me. It's hard to corral all my thoughts on this subject into a concise, little blog post.
Respect is not a woman's mother tongue; it will not just come naturally. For a long time I struggled with the respect thing because I didn't know how. I couldn't even recognize when I did things that were disrespectful, so how could I learn to speak the language? I remember praying, "God, would you please show me? Please teach me?"
I am still learning.
One of the things that has probably helped me the most is learning to believe that if my husband says something felt disrespectful, than it was. It's easy to just argue "I didn't mean it that way!" I probably didn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it felt that way to him. If I don't acknowledge and believe how it felt to him, how am I ever going to learn his language?
Treating my husband with respect means learning what makes him feel respected, not doing what I think is respectful.
Around the time that I begged God to teach me how to respect, I kept a 'respect journal' for awhile. Every day I would write down anytime I was reminded to act respectfully and did it or anytime I did not act respectfully and realized it later. I think that exercise helped me a lot in gaining awareness of what respect really looks like to my husband.
These days respect is still not my mother tongue. But it's a much more familiar second language! I still don't always speak it fluently or eloquently but I am much more quick to realize my mistakes and try to correct them. That's how you learn.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
17 Things From 17 Years: Post 4
#4: Men and women really do think differently, act differently, speak differently; they speak different languages. Live like you believe it.
We all know this; we've heard it since forever -- Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus; The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs ... Right off the top of your head you can think of a stack of books on the subject and that's not even scratching the surface.
How many couples actually live like they believe it?
I'm not your bright and shining example of this. In the book Love And Respect, Emerson Eggerichs talks about men and women seeing, hearing and speaking in different colors. I confess that far too often I revert back to doing life through my pink lenses. In the heat of a moment, I forget to stop and think, "Oh, wait. He has blue hearing aids and he really is hearing disrespect, no matter how much I honestly did not mean it that way."
If I believe something, it changes the way I live.
Last fall, at church camping, our four year old wandered off and got lost. It was a terrifying experience; one that I still can't think about for too long. Before that happened, I would have never thought that he would do that. I would have said I didn't think he was that type. Now? You better believe I've kept a close tab on that child ever since. Belief makes all the difference.
We're not going to change the differences in men and women's thinking; we were made that way for a reason. But we can learn about the differences, believe that they're true and then adjust the way we relate accordingly.
Again, I'm not your poster child for this. Chris is my shining example in this area and I've learned a lot from him! I didn't realize it at first, but at least half of the rest of my posts are directly related to this whole idea. It's so, so important in a marriage.
We all know this; we've heard it since forever -- Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus; The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs ... Right off the top of your head you can think of a stack of books on the subject and that's not even scratching the surface.
How many couples actually live like they believe it?
I'm not your bright and shining example of this. In the book Love And Respect, Emerson Eggerichs talks about men and women seeing, hearing and speaking in different colors. I confess that far too often I revert back to doing life through my pink lenses. In the heat of a moment, I forget to stop and think, "Oh, wait. He has blue hearing aids and he really is hearing disrespect, no matter how much I honestly did not mean it that way."
If I believe something, it changes the way I live.
Last fall, at church camping, our four year old wandered off and got lost. It was a terrifying experience; one that I still can't think about for too long. Before that happened, I would have never thought that he would do that. I would have said I didn't think he was that type. Now? You better believe I've kept a close tab on that child ever since. Belief makes all the difference.
We're not going to change the differences in men and women's thinking; we were made that way for a reason. But we can learn about the differences, believe that they're true and then adjust the way we relate accordingly.
Again, I'm not your poster child for this. Chris is my shining example in this area and I've learned a lot from him! I didn't realize it at first, but at least half of the rest of my posts are directly related to this whole idea. It's so, so important in a marriage.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
17 Things From 17 Years: Post 3
#3. The indescribable feeling that this person completes me.
I remember the first time I felt incomplete without Chris, and it was actually before we were married.
Chris and I dated for nearly two years. For the last half of that time, I lived in Virginia, volunteering at a home for mentally handicapped children. Long before my year of service was up, we were engaged, planning a wedding and Chris was threatening 'honorable' ways to get me discharged early. He was also nearly putting his mother through the roof over his daily phone calls. (Does the payphone make sense now?)
Near the end of my term, six of us staff took a group of residents on a PR trip. I don't remember the exact amount of time we were gone, at least a week. But I do remember the feeling of something being missing because I couldn't share it with Chris. I hadn't realized how much those daily phone calls had become a part of my life nor how much the man himself had begun to complete me. The experience of traveling and giving programs was rich, memorable and enjoyable but not nearly as much so without him to share it with. The late night phone call when our group finally stopped at my home place was definitely a much looked forward to one.
Of course, that feeling has only deepened and grown in the 17 years we've been married. Eventually your partner becomes as much a part of you as your right hand and completes your abilities and very life as much as having two feet. It's hard to describe the feeling of another person completing you and even harder to imagine doing life without them and I certainly wouldn't want it any other way.
I remember the first time I felt incomplete without Chris, and it was actually before we were married.
Chris and I dated for nearly two years. For the last half of that time, I lived in Virginia, volunteering at a home for mentally handicapped children. Long before my year of service was up, we were engaged, planning a wedding and Chris was threatening 'honorable' ways to get me discharged early. He was also nearly putting his mother through the roof over his daily phone calls. (Does the payphone make sense now?)
Near the end of my term, six of us staff took a group of residents on a PR trip. I don't remember the exact amount of time we were gone, at least a week. But I do remember the feeling of something being missing because I couldn't share it with Chris. I hadn't realized how much those daily phone calls had become a part of my life nor how much the man himself had begun to complete me. The experience of traveling and giving programs was rich, memorable and enjoyable but not nearly as much so without him to share it with. The late night phone call when our group finally stopped at my home place was definitely a much looked forward to one.
Of course, that feeling has only deepened and grown in the 17 years we've been married. Eventually your partner becomes as much a part of you as your right hand and completes your abilities and very life as much as having two feet. It's hard to describe the feeling of another person completing you and even harder to imagine doing life without them and I certainly wouldn't want it any other way.
17 Things From 17 Years: Post 2
#2: There are some things we will never agree on. Agree to disagree or come up with an agreeable compromise.
Chris and I agree on a lot of things. I would venture to say we agree on more things now than we did 17 years ago. But there are some things we will probably never quite agree on.
This is maybe a small thing, but for example, food.
I grew up in a family where the children were required to eat a little bit of everything prepared; and my mom liked to prepare a wide variety. We tried salad and squash and okra and lima beans and sour kraut and poke greens... I still think it was good for us.
My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a family that ate main dish and vegetables and that was about it. They weren't required to try odd things, but then again, there weren't very many odd things to try because that isn't what their mother prepared.
I like to say my husband isn't a picky eater, he just doesn't like anything unusual. This includes any kind of casserole with many different things mixed together, any salad that is not just lettuce, meat, eggs and cheese, and absolutely nothing that includes mayonnaise or chunks of onion and celery.
Early in our marriage we made a compromise. Our children would be required to eat main dish and vegetables, but other things would be optional.
I confess that I struggled with that compromise sometimes. Mostly I struggled when we were eating with others, like my mom, who believed tasting everything was included in the Bible somewhere. But fighting over the issue just wasn't worth it. What would I have gained? I really don't think the little I may have gained in the diversity of my children's diets would have been worth the strain on our relationship.
And, 17 years in I must admit, people's stomachs are just different. Celery and mayonnaise do actually make my husband's stomach upset and, honestly, I still don't like cantaloupe, no matter how many times I've tried it.
Chris and I agree on a lot of things. I would venture to say we agree on more things now than we did 17 years ago. But there are some things we will probably never quite agree on.
This is maybe a small thing, but for example, food.
I grew up in a family where the children were required to eat a little bit of everything prepared; and my mom liked to prepare a wide variety. We tried salad and squash and okra and lima beans and sour kraut and poke greens... I still think it was good for us.
My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a family that ate main dish and vegetables and that was about it. They weren't required to try odd things, but then again, there weren't very many odd things to try because that isn't what their mother prepared.
I like to say my husband isn't a picky eater, he just doesn't like anything unusual. This includes any kind of casserole with many different things mixed together, any salad that is not just lettuce, meat, eggs and cheese, and absolutely nothing that includes mayonnaise or chunks of onion and celery.
Early in our marriage we made a compromise. Our children would be required to eat main dish and vegetables, but other things would be optional.
I confess that I struggled with that compromise sometimes. Mostly I struggled when we were eating with others, like my mom, who believed tasting everything was included in the Bible somewhere. But fighting over the issue just wasn't worth it. What would I have gained? I really don't think the little I may have gained in the diversity of my children's diets would have been worth the strain on our relationship.
And, 17 years in I must admit, people's stomachs are just different. Celery and mayonnaise do actually make my husband's stomach upset and, honestly, I still don't like cantaloupe, no matter how many times I've tried it.
Monday, June 4, 2018
17 Things From 17 Years: Post 1
#1: Never stop saying I love you and giving a good-bye and welcome home kiss.
The very first day my brand new husband went off to his brand new job, he began a tradition. After saying "I love you" and kissing me good-bye, he went out to his vehicle. Then, he turned around and came back in for one more kiss.
I could probably count on one hand the days he hasn't kept up his tradition since. It doesn't matter where we've lived, what the weather is doing or what time it is. When he goes out the door, I can count on him re-appearing at least once for one last kiss.
Except for that one day when our oldest was little and I told him, "Don't come back in. So often when you come back, the baby wakes up and I just want him to sleep longer!"
I changed my mind quickly.
The very next morning I said, "Please come back in. That felt completely wrong yesterday. I'd much rather have another kiss than to have the baby sleep a little longer!"
In the evening when he comes home from work, it's rare that I don't take a moment to greet him with a welcome home kiss.
These little actions may seem small and insignificant in some ways. But 17 years of marriage have taught me it's often the little things that provide the strongest glue in a relationship. Saying "I love you" and knowing that second -- and sometimes third or fourth -- kiss is coming in the morning, and taking a moment to greet my man when he comes home at night is one small way we keep the stars shining in our eyes.
The very first day my brand new husband went off to his brand new job, he began a tradition. After saying "I love you" and kissing me good-bye, he went out to his vehicle. Then, he turned around and came back in for one more kiss.
I could probably count on one hand the days he hasn't kept up his tradition since. It doesn't matter where we've lived, what the weather is doing or what time it is. When he goes out the door, I can count on him re-appearing at least once for one last kiss.
Except for that one day when our oldest was little and I told him, "Don't come back in. So often when you come back, the baby wakes up and I just want him to sleep longer!"
I changed my mind quickly.
The very next morning I said, "Please come back in. That felt completely wrong yesterday. I'd much rather have another kiss than to have the baby sleep a little longer!"
In the evening when he comes home from work, it's rare that I don't take a moment to greet him with a welcome home kiss.
These little actions may seem small and insignificant in some ways. But 17 years of marriage have taught me it's often the little things that provide the strongest glue in a relationship. Saying "I love you" and knowing that second -- and sometimes third or fourth -- kiss is coming in the morning, and taking a moment to greet my man when he comes home at night is one small way we keep the stars shining in our eyes.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
Seventeen Years
Seventeen years ago Chris and I said, "I do."
I'd do it all over again. Although it would be nice to skip a few things along the path from there to here.....
Of course, the truth is, if we skipped those things we probably wouldn't be exactly where we are now. The things along the path have a way of teaching us and shaping who we become. So, I guess I really would do it all over again.
Last weekend Chris and I spent a few days away to relax and celebrate our anniversary. We made no big nor fancy plans, just a motel a couple hours from home and whatever we decided to do. It was lovely, and so very "us". He required me to buy fabric for myself and loaded up on more snacks and sub supplies than we would begin to eat.
We lazed around and talked and hashed and talked some more. We learned a few things and understood a few things better and solved quite a few of the world's problems for them. We took a lovely walk and played a few games and then Chris got sick for the last day and night and that wasn't so lovely at all.
Mostly, we just enjoyed each other. What a gift that is.
A shared sense of humor is a gift, too. A few weeks ago we all went on a little drive on a Sunday evening and took a walk along the lake. Somewhere along the line we got started taking pictures of each other. It dissolved into hilarity quickly.
We laughed the hardest over Lillian's photo prop idea. There was an old payphone along our way, and Chris had been telling the children how he used to call me on a payphone while we were dating so he wouldn't have to hear the fussing about the phone bill he shouldn't be running up. She positioned us carefully and proceeded to take our picture.
I'd do it all over again. Although it would be nice to skip a few things along the path from there to here.....
Of course, the truth is, if we skipped those things we probably wouldn't be exactly where we are now. The things along the path have a way of teaching us and shaping who we become. So, I guess I really would do it all over again.
Last weekend Chris and I spent a few days away to relax and celebrate our anniversary. We made no big nor fancy plans, just a motel a couple hours from home and whatever we decided to do. It was lovely, and so very "us". He required me to buy fabric for myself and loaded up on more snacks and sub supplies than we would begin to eat.
We lazed around and talked and hashed and talked some more. We learned a few things and understood a few things better and solved quite a few of the world's problems for them. We took a lovely walk and played a few games and then Chris got sick for the last day and night and that wasn't so lovely at all.
Mostly, we just enjoyed each other. What a gift that is.
A shared sense of humor is a gift, too. A few weeks ago we all went on a little drive on a Sunday evening and took a walk along the lake. Somewhere along the line we got started taking pictures of each other. It dissolved into hilarity quickly.
We laughed the hardest over Lillian's photo prop idea. There was an old payphone along our way, and Chris had been telling the children how he used to call me on a payphone while we were dating so he wouldn't have to hear the fussing about the phone bill he shouldn't be running up. She positioned us carefully and proceeded to take our picture.
I think that's close to how he looked
the first time I finally said "I love you".
Since no "How We Met" stories have flooded my inbox, I guess I am forced to come up with a different brainstorm for the month of June. I thought at first I could do a series of posts called "17 things I've learned from 17 years of marriage". Then I started making my list and decided I'd better leave out the word learned. Not so sure that would be accurate.
I am planning to do a series though, and I'm calling it simply "17 From 17".
Throughout the month of June, you can expect to find 17 posts with 17 things I've learned/ discovered/ become aware of in 17 years of marriage. They're not going to be anything lengthy or profound; just short little pieces of my personal experience. If you're not into marriage, feel free to come back in July. If you are into marriage, I hope you enjoy this month!
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