Dear Mom

You should have been with us last night, mom. Should isn't even a good word really, but we wanted you there. I've had conflicting emotions all weekend with family members around. It sounds strange, but I've found myself trying to dredge up the sadness.

I've tried to imagine what it would be like if you were still here, mom. How you'd sit and read stories to the girls while grandpa helped Chris at the house. How we'd talk and look at pictures and talk some more. How you always enjoyed sitting on the sidelines and watching the games and activity of your family. How we counted on you just to be there with your smile and your simple presence.

Somehow all of my imagining never managed to bring up the sadness that I was expecting, mom. And I found myself wanting it; longing for it; needing it. I'm not ready for it to be gone. It's not supposed to be this way. I don't want it to feel normal to have my dad and sisters here by themselves!

The feelings did come, and with them the tears.

I know it's ok to let go of the past and allow the present to be normal. But sometimes tears are still the most cleansing and bring the most healing. Dads are wonderful, and sisters are the best, but sometimes?

Sometimes it's mom that we want and no amount of time and healing can ever erase that feeling completely, I don't think.

I miss you, mom.

Love, Bethany

Ps. To my sisters: I'm really sorry about the picture. I didn't plan to use it but it wanted to come in there, so I let it.