#14: Standing behind my children's father is one of the most important things I can ever do.
Being a mom - at least in my world - means caring for my children 24/7. This boils down to mom being the chief diaper changer, food provider, mess cleaner upper, quarrel disolver, problem solver, question answerer, discipline administerer... etcetera and so forth. And while I'm always wishing to hand my responsibilities over to dad, it's awfully easy to come across like I have a corner on child rearing.
"That's not the way I would change a diaper" and "that's not the way she likes to be held to go to sleep". "He always does that when he's hungry" and "don't feed him that, he'll get a tummy ache!" "How do you make such a mess to give one little bath?" "You rinsed her hair like that?"
But oh, the worst.
The worst is when I contradict the father in front of our children.
"She didn't even do that. It was actually him that took the toy away from her!" "Did you have to say it like that? You made her feel terrible!" "Does it really matter if they don't go straight to bed when they go to their rooms?" "It really doesn't matter to me if he bangs his hammer on that chair."
If you want a happy home, if you want children who are respectful and obedient, you gotta stand behind the dad, mom. You just gotta.
The daddy loves his baby just as much as you do and his way of putting them to sleep might work even better than yours! Let dad try his way, it probably won't hurt anybody. God gave men instincts too, they're just different from ours. Different, but not necessarily wrong.
Hear me correctly on this. I'm not saying your tongue must be permanently bit and you should never speak up. It's not always wrong to contradict your children's father, but it's usually wrong to do it in front of your children. Unless you can say it in a kind, respectful way, you are almost always better off voicing your cautions/concerns/opinions in another room or after listening ears are elsewhere.
There is a marked difference between a quiet, "I think he was actually the one who took the toy but I may be wrong." And a forceful, "He's not even the one who did that, why are you punishing him?"
When the tables are turned, I know how much it means to have dad stand solidly behind me when I'm doling out a punishment. I also know how badly it hurts when my discipline is publicly downplayed or my lecture openly questioned.
If you are married to a man who loves the Lord and your children, a respectful discussion in private is far more likely to produce apologies, forgiveness and good relationships than an open confrontation, which is likely to cause anger, hurt and disrespect. How do I know? Because I've responded both ways.
It is hard sometimes, when you're so sure you know better, to keep your mouth shut. Trust me, I know. And I fail at this one too often. But it's worth it.
"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much..." Luke 16:10
1 comment:
Oh my, this is so true, Bethany. So true. Just recently I made some remark to my own Dear Husband (in the presence of my girls) about how I would've done it, if it were me...and it was about the care of the girls' vehicle, of all things! I found out later that doing such is a sure ticket to him feeling like I'm pulling my respect and admiration and trust right out from under him. I repented and apologized, and he extended grace in spite of my failures, again. (That's just like him.) But I wish I had used wisdom in my choice of words, tone and timing. So...I say amen to your post, and thank you for sharing.
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