The Little Blog

Once upon a time there was a tiny, Little Blog. With it's mini, 22 line posts, the Little Blog was a virtual nobody in the vast world wide web filled with hundreds of voices. Still, the Little Blog felt important in it's obscure corner and delighted in any and all visitors who happened upon it's small space. The Little Blog's best-est thing of all, were the few and far between comments that some sweet visitors would leave. Every time those 22 line posts would go out, the Little Blog would wait breathlessly, hoping against hope that someone would take the time to enter their thoughts in the comment box.

Days and weeks and months went by. The Little Blog faithfully trotted out it's tiny posts and relished it's trickle of visitors. As time went by, the Little Blog settled comfortably into it's position, slowly but surely accumulating friends and acquaintances along the way.

Years passed, and the Little Blog grew up bit by bit. Gradually things changed for the tiny Little Blog.  Where there had once been 22 lines, there were now pictures and lengthy posts. Where once there was only stark simplicity, there were now blog headers and sidebars and subscribe buttons. In place of a trickle of visitors, there was now a nice little crowd. In the comments the Little Blog began to recognize the regulars, those that faithfully followed along who encouraged and strengthened the Little Blog.

Over time, the Little Blog gathered courage and expanded it's voice. Sometimes it provided space for a series of posts and there would be lengthy discussions and questions in the comment section. Other times the Little Blog became a place to promote someone's book with a review and a giveaway involved. These times were perhaps the Little Blog's favorite, when the visitors would drop by in a flood and the comments would stack up in an impressive pile. The Little Blog sometimes puzzled over this phenomenon. It would almost have appeared that the visitors only left comments in order to receive a prize, but the Little Blog didn't want to be so judgemental as to assume that.

The Little Blog took great pride in the faithfulness of it's work. Sometimes the words would slow and there were even a few spells of silence but always the steady stream of posts would reappear and the faithful little crowd of visitors along with them.

Then, one day the Little Blog was startled to realize that the words had slowed considerably. In fact, when the Little Blog took the time to take careful stock, it became apparent that the flow of blog posts in it's corner seemed to have stopped completely. What could have happened, the Little Blog wondered? Day after day, the Little Blog missed it's visitors more intensely. Some days there would be stirrings and the Little Blog would perk up expectantly, only to see the words that had been typed disappear abruptly with one flick of a button marked 'delete'. Other times there would be rows upon rows of words relegated to the position of 'draft', and there they would sit to waste their days away; the Little Blog really could not understand it at all.

Months passed and the Little Blog had all but resigned itself to it's fate. After all these years and all the growing it had done -- the friends it had made and the niche it had carved; it seemed a shame to the Little Blog, a real, crying shame.

And then, lo! One day out of the silence a post appeared. The Little Blog waited quietly, hardly daring to hope that these words would escape 'delete' and 'draft'. But patience prevailed and the words were sent out and the Little Blog breathed a long sigh of relief. The sight of the subject caused the Little Blog some bewilderment. Why anyone would choose to wax eloquent about a little old blog seemed a strange twist of reason to the simple Little Blog. Then again, if that was what it took to open the wells and restart the steady stream, the Little Blog would hardly take it upon itself to stand in the way. And with that, the Little Blog sat back expectantly to await the return of it's visitors and to relish the anticipation of at least a few comments.

Months That Start With 'S' and Other Wisdom

Writing is a strange and uncooperative thing. Some days it just wants to come, and so I let it; other days, the more I look inside, the more it isn't there. It hasn't been there for quite some time now and it's bothering me greatly.

One can only have so many Tid-bits and Random Picture posts. There are only so many opportunities to host giveaways. I have no new recipes to share. The more I try to manufacture inspiration, the more there is nothing. And, might I add, that is the exact time when all the other writers I know seem to be starting new projects or writing eloquent words being shared by multiple people; coincidence much?

My mind feels dry. Dry as.... well....

Dry as the leaves falling, crunchy, from the trees.
Dry as the sun on a day without a breeze.
Dry as the dirt 'round the plant with curling leaves.
Dry as the throat gripped in fear's tightest squeeze.

Dry as the wind blowing sun's hottest glare.
Dry as the towels hung in summer's stifling air.
Dry as the earth in a desert bright and bare.
Dry as the soul burdened low with every care.

Dry as the grass withered brown in Summer's heat.
Dry as the skin worn and rough on barefoot feet.
Dry as the lips cracked by fever's steady beat.
Dry as the heart scorched by silence and defeat........

This mournful bit came forth one day and I shelved it in disgust. Pathetic. Not even true. In fact, I had someone tell me recently, "Your life sounds so easy and fun!"

Today I finally discovered the reason: it must be something about the atmospheric pressure in the months starting with 'S'! One year ago on this very day I wrote, "I confess to feeling really dry lately; brittle in places."

Alrighty then.

Now that I have that figured out, I can relax and stop trying so hard. Eventually the atmospheric pressure will change, another month will appear and I'll wonder what was so bothersome about it all. And if it doesn't? Well, then I'll go on with my fun and easy life and be happy.

My fingers bear the battlescars of quilting these days. I've been listening to the Bible as I sit and stitch, started in at the beginning and have gotten through to the building of the tabernacle. I'm always just amazed when I read/hear about Pharoah. Seriously, was the man insane? How could your heart be that hard? By the time it came to the tenth plague, did he really think the firstborns wouldn't be killed? What was he thinking??

And then the children of Israel. Honestly, people! You walked through the Red Sea on dry land. A short two months later, how could you really think God would let you starve to death when he parted the waters for you and swallowed the Egyptians up after you had all walked through?

I was discussing these things with my children one day after school and my daughter said, "But how did you feel when we moved to Ohio and had no house? How could you have wondered if God knew what he was doing??" Wellllll. You know, God hadn't done anything as big for me as parting the Red Sea!

Children are pretty good at putting us in our places.

I guess it's mostly being able to look back on the whole picture that makes me judge the Israelites so harshly. I suppose, after all, my doubt and questioning of what God is doing would look pretty silly too if I could see the big picture. I reckon a lack of inspiration and a drought in spirit is a small thing in the grand scheme of a life story.

Happy weekend to all of you. Go enjoy your life (fun and easy or otherwise) and rest in the arms of a Father who deals in big pictures.

Five Minute Friday: Ugly

Every Friday a little group of us on Facebook joins to write for five minutes on a prompt that's posted Thursday evening. If you think you might enjoy it, you can check it out here.

I'm digging back in the archives and posting something I wrote in December for the prompt "Ugly". Yes, we have some odd prompts sometimes! Surprisingly, those odd ones can turn out to be the most interesting.

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UGLY

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, ugly is not a permanent state of being. Is there anything ugly that cannot be transformed?

A smile on the face that looked so plain....

A sweet spirit discovered in the person who once looked un-likeable...

A coat of paint on the house that once looked un-liveable...

Fresh clothes on the child that was dirty and bedraggled...

A cleaned up room in place of the mess and clutter...

A sanding and refinishing job done to the old, old table and chairs...

A beautiful yard and flowerbeds where once there was endless brush and briars....

An apology from the person who hurt you so badly....

Peace in the heart that was full of turmoil and questions....

The transformation of Jesus in the heart full of sin...

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May you have eyes to see beyond the ugly things in your life to the beauty of transformation and redemption. Happy weekend!

Five Minute Friday: Warmth

Sitting here in my nice, cozy house looking out at clouds and snowflakes and a cold, barren landscape. Back in December the prompt for one Friday was "Warmth". This seems fitting on this chilly, wintry day.

WARMTH

There's the warmth in your eyes,
The warmth in a handshake,
The warmth of a hug,
The warmth in your voice,
The warmth in one's heart.

There's the warmth of a cuddly baby,
The warmth of a tiny hand in yours,
The warmth of little arms around your neck,
The warmth of my teen's approval,
The warmth of a shared laugh.

There's the warmth of a fire,
The warmth of a home,
The warmth of the sun,
The warmth of fleece,
The warmth of a pile of covers.

There's the warmth of love,
The warmth of hope,
The warmth from peace,
The warmth of joy,
There's the warmth of knowing God is in Heaven and all is right with the world.

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May your weekend be filled with warmth!

Five Minute Friday: Smells

I'm still doing the little project I talked about here. It's a fun little group where I share a writing prompt every Thursday night and then Friday, if we have time or are in the mood, we set our timer for five minutes and write and share. I think I will start sharing some of mine occasionally, just for fun. Today's prompt was given by a member of the group: Let's talk about smells. What scent brings you alive, triggers particular memories, or influences your mood? Let's try to transport each other.

My mind went immediately to a scent from my childhood and, while I could have written so much more, this is what came out in 5-ish minutes. (We're not super strict  with our rules and three year olds will interrupt...)

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I am a child again, riding on the back of my father's pickup. It is the middle Saturday of our church's two weeks of summer Bible school, and we're headed to the traditional, in-between-Saturday picnic. The wind whips our hair, and as we turn onto the bumpy, winding dirt road, we find hand holds to keep us in place and look out for low hanging branches. The road is long, and our seats a mite uncomfortable but at last the air begins to cool and my nose picks up the peculiar, familiar smell. It is a dank and musty smell, and my nose tingles at the fishy, mineral laced odor. The smell spells sand and driftwood and water. It triggers memories of tables laden with finger food, volleyball on a sandy court played by all ages, children splashing in the frigid waters of the White River, while mothers keep a sharp eye on anyone straying out too far. I breathe deeply and inhale the earthy, damp odor and smile.

Even now when I smell it, I invariably observe, "That smells like the White River!"

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Is there a scent that immediately evokes strong memories for you like the river scent does for me?

Happy Six Years

Six years ago today, I googled "how to start a blog", and hit publish for the first time.

Hello Blogging!

Well, I've been wanting to jump. Been standing on on the edge waiting to see if I would actually dare ... So here goes! :)  I love to write.  Always have been able to express myself better with pen, paper or keyboard much better then with verbal words.  In the last 6 or 8 months I stumbled onto the world of blogging and found myself intrigued and wanting to jump in and try the water.

Now  that I've jumped I'll confess that I'm not quite sure what I expect out of or plan for this space. Basically it's just a place to share what's going on in my life, whether it's my children's funny stories, how my day went, personal struggles or a truth God is showing me. I'm finding that it's really all this common, every day ness that I'm about that is My Father's Business for me.  Sometimes i'd like to make His business for me something more flashy or dramatic but in reality it's this.  And I think by accepting "this" and viewing it for what it is can actually transform the regular into something special.

So! That's a bit of what I'm thinking and whether anyone reads or not, I think I will be bettered for having "picked up my pen" and letting my thoughts and ideas have an avenue of escape :)

Six hundred and fourty posts later, I think I would say I have been 'bettered' by blogging.

A lot has changed since that day six years ago. Back then I was mother to four - 6 months, almost 2 years, 7 years and 8 1/2 years. We were living in Arkansas and my world was just about to get rocked with the idea of moving our family to Ohio. I wonder how I would have felt had I been able to see six years into the future? Frankly, I'm glad I can't see ahead six more years!

There's more than one reason that I blog. The first is one I've written about before, the fact that I accepted the gift of writing and told God I would use it. Perhaps second to that is being able to look back and track God's hand through the years.

My mom was a writer. She loved stories and shared many of her own through countless letters and various articles. Now that she is gone, I am grateful for every recorded story and incidence I can get my hands on. I will never forget my mom but who she was and how her life shaped mine is soon lost in the passing of generations. Written words have the power to carry those details on to others.

That doesn't mean everyone should have a blog, of course. But I would encourage you to tell your stories or, better yet, write them down. It is intriguing to hear the stories of grandparents and realize what shaped my parents and how that affected my life. We learn so much from the inspirations and challenges of other people's lives. Interesting fact is, some of my most read posts are my June 'how we met' stories!

I don't know what the next six years will hold, it's probably good I don't. But I expect I'll still be here, sharing bits and pieces of it with you. As I read back through the archives, it's much easier to trace God's hand than when I was in the moment. That ability to see His trustworthiness in the past, gives me confidence I can trust Him for the future.

Happy Birthday, little blog. You have taught me many things. I have loved and hated you by turns and your presence in my life has added laughter and tears. Sometimes I wonder if I should plan for your funeral but your little, flickering flame always manages to stay lit. You have managed to weave your way into my life, opening my eyes to the stories and lessons in the everyday of my days. You have introduced me to people I would have never known otherwise; given me opportunities I never imagined six years ago when I timidly took the jump. You've grown up, little blog. I don't know what you'll look like six years from now but thank you for bettering my life.

Love Is

Love, what is it? Is it feeling, emotion, fleeting, lasting, life-changing, easy, hard, deep, shallow......

What is love?

Love is starry eyes and racing heart. Love is blushing cheeks, quivering stomach, sweaty palms and flashing smile. Love is whispered words and  a soft, gentle touch. Love is roses and chocolates and gifts and surprises. Love is a tender kiss, a warm embrace, a squeeze of the hand, a long look across the room. Love is intimacy in it's purest form - consuming, passionate, exhilarating.

Love is all of this... but love is more.

Love is listening to another's heart; it is hearing the hurt and pain and responding with love and empathy; it is saving the answers and passing the kleenex and giving understanding. Love is an unexpected lunch date at McDonald's; it is a cold drink delivered on a hot day. Love is daily. It is packing lunches and doing laundry and cooking food and washes dishes and doing it all over again. Love is giving space when the going is tough; it is shoulder rubs and back rubs and foot massages and saying "I care"; it is making a favorite dessert or writing a note or simply sitting together. It is doing the little things.

Love is all of this... but love is more.

Love is picking up dirty socks and hanging up wet towels and fixing the bed. Love is wiping up spills and throwing away stray wrappers and popcans and cleaning the trash out of the car.  Love is quietly putting things away - shoes and clothes and books and papers and the milk. Love is dropping my schedule and helping even if my to do list remains undone. Love is biting back angry words and saying "I'm sorry" when they slip out unchecked. Love is admitting I was wrong and not adding the word "But...". Love is sacrificing my wants for another's needs, it is putting myself in another's shoes.

Love is all of this.... but love is more.

Love is opening my mouth when I would rather keep it closed; it is speaking the hard truth when I would much rather remain silent. Love is showing my support even when I fear for my reputation. Love is laying down my own preferences and accepting another's ideas. Love is praising the strengths and not gossiping about the weaknesses. Love is confronting wrong even though I would rather shove it under the rug.

Love is all of this... but love is more.

Love is a commitment; it is choosing fact over feeling, the high road over the emotional one. Love is forever. Love doesn't quit, depending on the circumstances. Love gets up and serves - today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Love is a Choice.

Love is all of this.... and it is probably more. Love is not the least, it is the greatest. Choose love; choose life; choose the greatest.

"And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love." I Cor 13:13 NIV

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I am taking up a challenge to write 500 words a day for two weeks. I don't plan to post all those words here but this was the first day of the challenge and I thought I would share it. If you're interested in joining, check it out here!

January 1

Well, it's January. Time for this much talked about 31 days series, right?

For those of you who are new here, I have, on three occasions, chosen a subject and written about it every day for 31 days. You can find my first series on 'Learning to Lean' here, my second series on 'Submission' here, and my third series 'What Makes a Mennonite a Mennonite?' here.

These writing experiences have been good ones for me. They have pushed me to dig deep and discover what I really believe. They have taught me to stick to a big project and see it through to the end. They have forced me to, not only discover what I believe, but know it well enough to string it together with words coherent enough for an audience to read. They have also been interesting times of interacting with my readers and I have so enjoyed your input!

Those months of writing have also tended to be stressful ones. It takes a lot of physical time and energy to write every day for 31 days! I've found it also takes a lot of emotional energy. I don't enjoy talking about controversial subjects nor do I enjoy putting myself in the middle of conflicting opinions.

I would have to say though that the benefits have probably been greater than the stress. So here I am again, getting ready to go on another writing adventure.

This time I am planning to take a less stressful approach. I am not promising to write every single day in January. I am going to aim for every other day and if I get done saying what I have to say, we'll quit. If I'm still going strong on January 31, we'll keep going! Deal? ☺

I'm looking forward to sharing and I'm looking forward even more to hearing your input...

The Noise Within the Silence

There has been a long, long span of silence in this little space. Save for my mom's birthday giveaway and the post about Christmas, there has been silence here for 8 whole weeks. That silence has not, however, extended to my heart, and it seems only fair to share with you some of the noise that has been going on inside of me in the past 8+ weeks.

Once upon a time, about four years ago, the ladies from our church had a "Lady's Night" that I attended. We had only been living in Ohio a few short months at the time but I forced myself to go and be sociable. The speaker that night spoke about the story of the Velveteen Rabbit. I don't remember her name or that much about her talk. What I do remember is that afterward she divided us into small groups and we were supposed to share with each other a gift that we felt God had especially given to us. I discovered that night that I found it almost impossible to admit that I had any gifts!

I had some very serious conversations with the Lord in the days that followed, and it was then that I accepted the fact that writing is a gift God gave me and I told Him I would use it. My writing changed a bit after that. I did things like writing for 31 days on subjects and more purposeful types of writing, not so much writing just to write. I let myself begin to dream big dreams...just a little bit. I dreamed of writing things that weren't just for a little old pretend blog. I dreamed of putting words together that were good enough to make lasting impact. I dreamed of writing a book someday.

I only dreamed a little bit; I was never taught to dream big and even the little dreams felt bold and proud and way too daring and braggy to say out loud.

All along this writing way I've had a constant love/hate battle going on with my audience. I've fluctuated between "O my stars, they read my blog??! I am never writing anything again! How can I write that when who knows who all will read it?? What must people really think?!" and "What were my stats on that post? Did I get any more likes? Any comments? Why did that post get so many views and that one so few??" and  "I love that person's input! It is so amazing how you can connect with people you've never met." and "Oh no. That person did not understand me correctly at all! Why am I doing this??" I've loved the growing audience and hated the attention. Loved the input and hated the growing pressure to perform.

I've had a few dry spells before and I took a few small breaks but this last time around has been different. The topic for January had been weighing on my mind and I just couldn't seem to write. So, one day I impulsively said that I would write no more until January and added that I planned to do another 31 day series when I returned.

I fully expected the words to come flowing in a couple of weeks. I was sure that if I knew I didn't have to write, that writing would be the thing I craved. I never once dreamed I could possibly go through two months in silence!

But the words didn't come. I felt no craving; no urgent need to write. 

At first it felt lovely! There was no pressure, no self imposed deadlines, no reason to scour life for good blog post material. I felt free and happy.

As time passed and the words still didn't come, the feelings changed. 

I found myself feeling completely  lost. Who was I without this urge to write? I felt like part of me was missing. What did I have if I had nothing to write? Had my self worth become so tied up in my blog that I couldn't live without it? What was God trying to tell me? What was I to do with all of this? Was it time to stop blogging altogether? 

Then there was the fact that I had left with the promise of a 31 day series when I returned. That somewhere back months ago I had heard God say, "There's your next subject." And I had agreed (however reluctantly) to listen. At least I thought He had said it, now I wasn't at all sure........of anything. 

I struggled along under the weight of all this for weeks. One friend told me, "He will show you." Another said, "Couldn't you just write whenever you want to when you start again? Or just do once a week so you don't have so much pressure?" My husband said "December isn't over, just wait and see what happens." And I said, "No one understands. Not even me." I wandered around aimlessly doing my duties and feeling more and more unsettled until one night I started crying and I couldn't stop.... So I got up and I wrote.

Basically, I wrote out all the things I just told you. Then, I turned my face to His and said, "What do you want to say to me?" 

Before I could be quiet long enough to listen, I felt the words come out - "Because if you want this little old blog and the bit of prestige it's given me, you can't have it." !!!!! Where in the world did that come from???? So that really was it! Well, I had known that all along, of course, but not in quite such a bald faced fashion. 

With many tears, I opened my hands and confessed my pride and my misplaced identity and my desperate hanging on. I still wasn't quite sure what He wanted to say to me but at least I had faced the lion in the closet and admitted my wrongs. 

My heart felt a measure of peace after my confessions but I still found myself searching for answers. Through the course of a couple of conversations, I realized that what I was looking for was impossible. 

It suddenly became clear to me that what I so desperately wanted was a "fix" for my problem; some certain things I could change that would take the struggle away for good. Maybe if I decided that when I returned to blogging I would never check blog stats again; maybe if I didn't write as often; maybe if I only checked for comments once a day; maybe if.... In my heart I knew none of those things would change anything for good. Well then, if there was no magic "fix" to the problem, maybe I should just stop writing. While my hand might be unclenched and laying open now, I knew me way too well!

The fact remained that I had told the Lord I would use the gift He had given. Was that a promise that should be broken?

The wise man at my house drew some word pictures that began to bring my eyes back into focus. Would a father be upset with his daughter's shining eyes if she showed him something pretty she had made for him? Was it wrong for a daughter to delight in winning her father's approval? Would a father expect his daughter to be perfect? Or would he be looking for her to do her best and no matter if she messed up, to pick herself up and try again?

Slowly I began to see that there was not some certain formula I could follow that would somehow fix my struggle. I realized it would have to be a "state-of-being"; a constant awareness of where I am placing my focus and who I am trying to please.

So, here I am. 

Today I am choosing to keep the promise that I made 4 years ago. I am choosing to refocus my eyes on the One who gives the gifts and deserves all the glory. And I am choosing to strive, not for perfection, but for the delight of winning my Father's approval.

I humbly welcome you to join me on this journey.

Heffalumps and Blog Breaks

It is the time of year (or month, or century, or.....something.) when I am at this place again -- http://bethany-aboutmyfathersbusiness.blogspot.com/2015/05/an-argument-with-writer.html?m=1 Only the arguments vary some and the reasons as well. Oh. And there are no cats or lilacs to be had these days, which proves that I am certainly in a worse position than the last bad position I was in!

And so, like Pooh Bear, who's friendship and mine goes a-way back, I am declaring in a solemn voice: "I have decided something." The only difference is, he decided to catch a Heffalump and I've decided to take a blogging break. Which, as Pooh might conclude after long thought, is really the same thing. So there you have it.

Now that all of our brains are muddled, and no one is quite certain if we are talking about Heffalumps or Woozles or that other thing, what was it? Blogging Breaks, ahh yes. Those. I will knock off the nonsense and be serious. Which, after all, would seem to be about the same thing as declaring in a solemn voice but then again, you never know on Tuesdays.

As I Was Saying: I have decided to take somewhat of a blogging break.

I have a subject on my mind for another 31 Days of Writing project in January. I've tried to make it go away but it won't listen. Actually, I know better then to try, because I did that before one time and it didn't work out very well but I've wished it would go away, that I most certainly have. But it hasn't, and it needs my attention. The whole thing is causing a dry well in my writing and since I aim for two posts a week around here, it bugs me when there's nothing there to be posted. Which, in turn, dries up any other writing altogether.

So, no posting until January. Or, I should say, no posting unless something just comes along and *wants* to be posted. Which it might very well do; you never can tell with these things. Sometimes it might want to come often and sometimes it might not want to come at all. We shall let it do as it wishes.

And I am serious.

At that, "...Winnie the Pooh came over all funny, and had to hurry home for a little snack to sustain him." Which is just the way I feel.

The End.

Something New

Contrary to what some may believe, the fact that a person has a blog does not mean they are knowledgeable about computers, the internet, or even blogs themselves. In other words, the fact one has a blog does not mean one is techy. Then again, maybe I am the disillusioned one who thinks they can have a blog and not be techy?

Whatever the case, here is the truth: I really don't know what I'm doing most of the time with blogs and internet and the techy world. I watch what other people do and I click on things and I try this and that and most of the time it seems to work out pretty well. I think.

Yesterday I did one of those "try it and see what happens" things and I now have a facebook page called About My Father's Business. I'm not sure how I feel about this. When I first started my blog, one of the things I liked about blogging was the fact that if people wanted to read what I wrote they could come and find me. I wasn't going to always be putting it in front of people's faces; if they wanted to read it, they could find it.

As time went on, I started sharing my links on facebook for the simple fact that a lot of people are like me - it's easier to find things all in one place than to hunt it down every time or figure out how else to do it. I also discovered people seemed to find it easier to comment on facebook than on my blog and I liked the feedback!

Well, I'm kind of funny about facebook. I know it's a very public place and who knows who all is seeing what, but I don't like having a bunch of people on my "friend" list that I don't even know or have never met. So, I decided to make a page for my blog on facebook and share my links there and make it separate from my personal profile.

I'm not really sure if I know what I'm doing with this, so keep that in mind :) I don't even know if I'll like it this way or not but I think I will. So, just letting you know: if you would like to follow my blog via facebook, if that would be easier for you or if you would be more likely to comment there ;) then follow the link and like my page. https://m.facebook.com/?_rdr#!/profile.php?id=513727925449471&refid=17&ref=bookmarks&_ft_=top_level_post_id.513818595440404&__tn__=C

What Makes It A Gift?

Sometimes when people gush over something I've written, I want to growl. Don't get me wrong, I also want to swell with pride and blush modestly and mumble my thanks and try to act like it was nothing all at the same time. It's just... this writing thing doesn't always feel like a gift.

I've always been able to express myself much better in writing than talking. I would 1,000 times rather text someone or write them a note or email than pick up the phone or talk to them in person! Chris soon learned that if he really wanted to know how his bride was feeling, the best thing to do was to sneak a peek in her journal. To this day if we've had a disagreement or a misunderstanding, he can almost certainly count on a text or an email or a hand written note to show up after the conversation has ended with me going silent. I will say, 14 years of marriage have taught me a lot about talking but written words are still my first choice of communication.

The problem with all of this, of course, is that people don't generally go around carrying clipboards and letting the people who express themselves better in writing carry on their conversations on paper, it just doesn't work that way! And that's why, when people exclaim over something I've written, I find myself wanting to explain to them that writing doesn't always feel like a gift.

The fact is, I suppose we all have those things - qualities that look like gifts to others but to us they feel, at best, like weaknesses and at worst like more of a curse. God's gifts aren't always wrapped in the fancy paper that I expect them to be and the plain, brown paper or rumpled Walmart bag doesn't make the gift any less a gift when accepted gratefully from the hand of the Giver. I know all that, but I still catch myself expecting the gifts to be in fancy paper with a big bow on top and come away from Sunday school class chastising myself thoroughly for sitting there silently Sunday after Sunday or berate my ineptness at spontanious hospitality and friendly chit chat.

By now you may be wondering what my point is. "Is she trying to get us to say how wonderful her writing is and please don't stop and yes, it is a gift??" No, that's not my point.

It's just this: It's so easy to look at the people around me and see the prettily wrapped gifts I wish were mine. And so easy to see only plain brown paper and rumpled Walmart bags in my own selection of gifts.

Sometimes it does us good to remember that what looks like a shiny gift to me may be the very thing that feels like plain brown paper to her. And those rumpled Walmart bags that are all I have to offer? Well, it could very well be that those might look like shiny paper and big fancy bows to her!

"But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." Isaiah 64:8

Happy Birthday

Thirteen years ago today, two tiny little feet walked into our lives. Those feet have been leaving footprints on our hearts ever since! It's hard to believe that our oldest is a teenager; what does that make me, I wonder??

Like one older Mother said recently, "I feel like I would be more ready to care for my children now - now I have all this experience!" I welcomed my firstborn with pretty much zero experience. As the youngest in my family, I had never cared for a newborn - never dressed one, never bathed one, never fed or soothed one, hardly ever even changed a diaper!

I look at this man-child who towers over me already and I wonder, how did we get here? How did we muddle our way through terrible nights and sickness and discipline and potty training? How did we manage to get to the place of this tall son who clothes himself and bathes himself and puts his own clothes in the laundry (usually) and pulls his share of the work around the place? Granted, there are just as many places where I hold my head and wonder how did we miss teaching him that???

And now we embark on the next phase of parenthood: the teens. I'm not sure that I'm ready for this! Still, if we could muddle our way from tiny baby to towering 13 year old, with God's help we can carry on through the next phase. And when I watch my oldest deftly washing up that pile of dishes or entertaining his younger siblings or mowing the lawn with expertise my heart swells, and I know that this child is, indeed, growing up!

Happy 13th Isaac! I'm proud to have you call me Mom.

*Please excuse the poor quality, pictures taken from pictures.......

An Argument With The Writer

"You have to write something," I told myself. "It's been over a week since you wrote and your last posts were pathetic!"

"I can't help it," I argued. "I just can't write right now!"

"Write about the picnic you and Chris went on," I told myself. "You could make a good story out of that!"

"No." I argued. "It's too complicated. I don't feel like going to all the work."

"Write about all the beauty of Spring! All the green and the forsythia and the redbuds and the dogwoods...how it makes you think of home..."

"Naaah. Same old surface-y stuff. It'll be obvious I'm empty of words and just making stuff up!"

"Well then, write about the abscence of words and how when dark things are hiding in the back of your mind it's impossible to write..."

"Good grief. No. What is this, a broken record?"

"Ok. Fine. Do what your friend suggested and write about some tips for making your marriage better!"

"Oh please. I hate preachy blog posts. Besides, I tried twice and it just sounds lame. What do I have to say about tips for marriage anyway? Look at the big go around we had this week! And I'm not going into that; no."

"What is your problem anyway??? You've got to write SOMETHING! You hate blogs that go for days and weeks without a new post! Just put some cute kid pictures in and some cute kid quotes and call it good."

"Blah. Don't feel like it."

"You are impossible. You must have some deep, underlying issues that need to be dealt with. Maybe you should consider counseling or something! Have you been taking your vitamins lately?"

"Go AWAY!!!!!"

"But this is seriously dumb. What is your deal???"

"Ok, really? If you must be so nosy and pushy, here's the deal: there's some stuff going on between..... No. I can't really go into that, it's too personal and I don't want to talk about it. Some of it, though, I think is related to that email conversation about my....... No. I can't really write about that either. Not now anyway...."

And there the argument stands, and there it continues to rage. And if it doesn't make any sense to you, and you're still puzzled as to why no new posts are showing up around here lately, that makes two of us.

Kind of.

Maybe.

That's all.

Wednesday

It's rainy. Rainy and drippy and wet. It's also Wednesday and I have many things on my list to be done before we leave Friday for the wedding. Why am I sitting here at my table, feet propped on a chair, not working on that list? I'm not really sure. Because I don't feel like it? Probably. Because when I don't write for days in a row I get twitchy and start searching for words, needing to get them out before I can go a step further? Maybe.

So, here I sit. The problem is, I'm not really sure what words are in there wanting to come out? Is it words about marriage, words to new brides, words that a wedding coming up have stimulated? Is it words about struggles, words about what a good example actually is, words that a friend's conversation at church have stimulated? Is it words about stressful projects and non stressful projects, words about what makes them one or the other, words stimulated by a stress free project this week?

They're all in there, but they'll have to wait their turn, I think. Of course, the possibility is always there that in the waiting they might end up being deleted completely, but that's just a risk that has to be taken -- waiting never hurt and deleting is sometimes a blessing in disguise! The fact of the matter is, there's a dress that didn't fit right that's been picked apart and must be sewed back together and finished Today, no.matter.what. There's a van that desperately needs cleaning out, dress pants that need pressing, a dirty, neglected floor that needs to be scrubbed within an inch of it's life (you can't leave with a dirty floor, didn't you know that?) There's clothes to be washed up, packing to be thought about......

So *deep breath* shove the words back and get with the program, lady. The dress. First of all, the dress...

Now You Know

I once read a motto which said something like - "If you don't have anything to say, don't let anyone persuade you to say it!"

So, I'm not.

Somehow I don't seem to have any words these days. The cold, dreary, cloudy, rainy, muddy days of the-end-of-winter slide by with an occasional glorious day of sunshine thrown in to remind us that Spring-Is-Coming!! My one priority right now is getting 4 dresses sewn for the brother-in-law's wedding coming up 2 weeks from Saturday. I'm tired of sewing. Actually, I think maybe I'm more tired of needing to keep up with a household and still sew 4 dresses, cause I Like to sew!

Just to add to the fun of it all, we're throwing in a flu bug that's making it's way from person to person. Fever, fatigue, a cough...that lays a person out for as much as 3 or 4 days. On a brighter note, we haven't had any earthquakes lately! :)

Really, life isn't so bad. My rather severe case of the glooms lately might have some thinking otherwise but it really isn't. If I'm honest, I know most of it is some darkness deep down inside that I haven't quite found the answer for. I've taken it to my Father, and He seems to have assured me that He will show me what needs to happen.....in His time.

So, here I wait. And in the mean time, I must needs focus on the glorious sunshine that says Spring-Is-Coming and let God deal with the end-of-winter stuff. And if I don't say anything around here, now you know why!

About My Father's Business

Words don't come easily these days. I ache to write. I start and I stop and I delete. The words and ideas, the feelings and thoughts and questions, they tangle themselves up somewhere between mind and keyboard, they refuse to march out in neat, tidy rows. Then too, I've been busy. Every time I think I'll catch a minute and untangle my brain, the minute passes before I've hardly begun.

So, what is going around in your mind, you ask? Lots of things. Little things. Big things. Things I feel uncertain about putting out there for the world to see. Things like "Why don't we mothers view our 'job' the same way our men view theirs?" Things like "There's got to be some way to beat this everlasting what's-for-supper? question every night!" Things like "What have we Mennonites done to our definition of 'church' and what is God's definition?" Things like "Why do I always say I'll do things and despair over them later?" Things like "What do we Anabaptists mean by saying we believe in living simply?" ...........lots and lots of things......

You may remember that on two different occasions I've taken up the challenge to write on one subject for a whole month? Well, I think I heard the Lord saying I should do it again. I think I even heard Him giving me a subject. It all feels very muddled and unfocused and the easiest thing in the world for me would be to wonder if I made it all up - to push it aside and say I just can't figure it out!

But, I know what happens when I don't listen to that voice. So, I'm trying to keep an open hand and rest and wait patiently and trust that if He wants me to write it, He will untangle it and make it crystal clear. And while I wait I'll make cookies and cinnamon rolls and pies and help with the school Auction. I'll listen to little girls laborously reading their first grade reader and answering Math flashcards. I'll try to be understanding with disappointing things on report cards, yet somehow encourage growth and development of character. I'll relish little boy hugs and two little people holding songbooks and singing lustily. I'll encourage talks with my big girl and make sure my husband knows how important and loved he is. I'll cook and clean and wash and do it all over again and again.

In short, I'll go on being About My Father's Business and we shall see what we shall see.

Searching for Tips: Join the Fun :)

When I started this blog 3 years ago, I didn't have a big plan for where I was going or why, but I did have some big dreams! One of them was *ahem* lots of comments :) I'm not sure how I thought that would happen, but somehow I imagined they would just magically start appearing I guess! I'm finally accepting the fact that by and large, most people quietly read...but don't comment. That's just the way it is. And, really, it's ok! Still, I'd love to have more interaction! So... (you knew there was a "So..."?) So, since I'm feeling a need for some newness on here, I'm asking for input! :) I'm gonna ask for your response on a certain idea, question, etc, then in the next month I'll share them. For example: Give me your favorite household organizing tip! That's the one I'm putting out there for April. Send me an email at christopherbethany@juno.com and I'll pass your tip along to everyone else sometime in April! It doesn't have to be big or fancy, just join in for the fun - who doesn't love getting new ideas?!

This Writing Trap

The blog lies dormant these days. I've scared myself into silence it seems. Splashed too many words, laid too many emotions bare, opened my heart with too much honesty. My words cower in the shadows, refusing to come forward at my bidding. They tiptoe towards the light, then run at the frightening glare. Judgement, with it's dissecting fingers shines brightly, but worse still glares the painful enemy of misunderstanding. For all the honesty -the brave splashing of words and baring of heart- is the threat of grossly failing to convey the very message so desperately burning to be delivered! Safer, then, to cower in the shadows and never bare the heart. Simpler, then, to clutch the message close vs. risking the pain of misinterpretation. Still, a persistant voice whispers: "I never said write for admiration and endorsement, for 'likes' and 'followers'. Never promised safer or simpler. I only said, This is your gift. Use it. The audience and their response are incidental, Obedience is of utmost importance!

A little info

I've had a couple people say to me recently that they must have missed a blog post. I usually don't post a link to facebook when there's a new blog post. That's the thing I like about blogs - if someone wants to read every post they can but they don't have it put in their face every time unless they want to. IF you want to find out every time I post you can subscribe to my blog. I tried it today just to make sure the button works and it did, at least for me! :) I can also add your email address to a list and you will receive the post as an email if you would rather do that. If so, just send your address to christopherbethany@juno.com. And, if you'd rather check in here every so often, or only read the posts I link on facebook that's quite fine too! Just thought I'd give a little info since some people asked.