"Lately I've been noticing how unique each culture is... I'd love to hear you explore how to blend cultures, how to honor the good in each culture, how to even intentionally change what needs to be changed in our own culture."
My initial response to this question was, "Wow. That is a mighty big question I'm not sure anyone has an answer for; what does this lady think I am??" ☺
It is a good question, though. A question that has the potential to change the world. But is there a world-changing answer? Is blending cultures possible?
Again, because I am a Mennonite and know that the question came from an Anabaptist origin, I am viewing it from that perspective. Anyone who has any experience with Anabaptists of any stripe knows that we are our own distinct culture. What may look initially like some simple differences in beliefs quickly becomes an intricate complexity of cultural differences for anyone choosing to join from 'the outside'.
It is easy for those within a culture to expect those entering to make all the adjustments - "They want to join us, they can adjust accordingly." It is just as easy for those entering to expect those within the culture to extend all the grace and patience - "They wanted to win us, they should be willing to be understanding." It is a process that is complicated, easily hurtful and just plain hard.
My family has had the unique experience of welcoming a step-mother into our family. We love Sara. She is a sweet lady; kind, caring, humorous, understanding. She makes our father very happy which, in turn, makes us happy. But she's not our mom. She doesn't know our inside jokes, our childhood stories, our history, the things that make us tick. We have no history of shared experiences to give us that rich, comfortable relationship you automatically associate with children and parents. We are beginning to build experiences, yes. But it is impossible to manufacture them.
I think it is somewhat the same with blending cultures. Are there things those within the different cultures can do to help with the process? Certainly! Are there things to avoid that are hurtful? Absolutely. Is there a formula to follow to manufacture blending? Not really.
I distinctly remember an experience I had several years after moving to Ohio. At that time there was a couple from the community coming to our church and the lady and I had struck up a bit of a friendship. She struggled very much with the blending of cultures and I struggled very much with wondering how I could be helpful.
One Sunday it was announced that there was a project for the choir to participate in, anyone was welcome to help. I don't remember the specific project the choir was asked to do, I'm thinking record a few songs. Well, I had helped with a Christmas program or two by that time, so I showed up for the scheduled evening of practice. Now, I am a shy, quiet individual. Walking into something like that is extremely hard for me but I took myself in hand and walked in.
Unknown to me this was a meeting of members from back in the glory days of The Antrim Mennonite Choir. I immediately felt as out of place as... I don't know... a Mennonite in a bar room? These people had years of stories and laughter and experiences they shared. They knew each other almost like family members. They had gone places together, learned songs together, traveled together; they practically had their own special language. If there was any way I could have become invisible and quietly disappeared from that meeting, you can bet I would have.
On the way home, as I was vowing that I would never do that again, it suddenly hit me. This is how my friend feels with us Mennonites, only magnified about 99.9%. For me, it was just one little meeting; I could share many other experiences with those same people and not deal with those feelings. How hard would it be to deal with that feeling every time you came to church, every time you visited someone's home, every time you shared a conversation? Wow. Talk about perspective. Just realizing how difficult it is to be so different helps tremendously with being sensitive and welcoming and kind.
On the other hand, I also realized this: What made me feel so out of place at that meeting? Was it the people there? Not really. If I was honest, I had to admit they had been very welcoming; friendly; inclusive. I was certain any one of them would have told me I was more than welcome to be there. If I was even more honest, most of the problem that evening was really me. Had I been ok with acknowledging my different-ness and the fact that no amount of kindness and acceptance and inclusion from the people there could change that in the moment, maybe the evening would have been different.
I guess I am saying all of this to say -- there are many sides to this issue. It is easiest to point out the other side's faults, to know how they should change or why that shouldn't have felt hurtful to them. I think one of the most helpful things we can do for each other is listen well. If they said that felt hurtful, it did. If they said they didn't mean it that way at all, they didn't. If they said that's why they did it, it is. It's called Grace.
I've asked a dear friend of mine who has walked many miles in the shoes of blending cultures if she would share some things from her journey with us here. I will be back with her story tomorrow.
It is a good question, though. A question that has the potential to change the world. But is there a world-changing answer? Is blending cultures possible?
Again, because I am a Mennonite and know that the question came from an Anabaptist origin, I am viewing it from that perspective. Anyone who has any experience with Anabaptists of any stripe knows that we are our own distinct culture. What may look initially like some simple differences in beliefs quickly becomes an intricate complexity of cultural differences for anyone choosing to join from 'the outside'.
It is easy for those within a culture to expect those entering to make all the adjustments - "They want to join us, they can adjust accordingly." It is just as easy for those entering to expect those within the culture to extend all the grace and patience - "They wanted to win us, they should be willing to be understanding." It is a process that is complicated, easily hurtful and just plain hard.
My family has had the unique experience of welcoming a step-mother into our family. We love Sara. She is a sweet lady; kind, caring, humorous, understanding. She makes our father very happy which, in turn, makes us happy. But she's not our mom. She doesn't know our inside jokes, our childhood stories, our history, the things that make us tick. We have no history of shared experiences to give us that rich, comfortable relationship you automatically associate with children and parents. We are beginning to build experiences, yes. But it is impossible to manufacture them.
I think it is somewhat the same with blending cultures. Are there things those within the different cultures can do to help with the process? Certainly! Are there things to avoid that are hurtful? Absolutely. Is there a formula to follow to manufacture blending? Not really.
I distinctly remember an experience I had several years after moving to Ohio. At that time there was a couple from the community coming to our church and the lady and I had struck up a bit of a friendship. She struggled very much with the blending of cultures and I struggled very much with wondering how I could be helpful.
One Sunday it was announced that there was a project for the choir to participate in, anyone was welcome to help. I don't remember the specific project the choir was asked to do, I'm thinking record a few songs. Well, I had helped with a Christmas program or two by that time, so I showed up for the scheduled evening of practice. Now, I am a shy, quiet individual. Walking into something like that is extremely hard for me but I took myself in hand and walked in.
Unknown to me this was a meeting of members from back in the glory days of The Antrim Mennonite Choir. I immediately felt as out of place as... I don't know... a Mennonite in a bar room? These people had years of stories and laughter and experiences they shared. They knew each other almost like family members. They had gone places together, learned songs together, traveled together; they practically had their own special language. If there was any way I could have become invisible and quietly disappeared from that meeting, you can bet I would have.
On the way home, as I was vowing that I would never do that again, it suddenly hit me. This is how my friend feels with us Mennonites, only magnified about 99.9%. For me, it was just one little meeting; I could share many other experiences with those same people and not deal with those feelings. How hard would it be to deal with that feeling every time you came to church, every time you visited someone's home, every time you shared a conversation? Wow. Talk about perspective. Just realizing how difficult it is to be so different helps tremendously with being sensitive and welcoming and kind.
On the other hand, I also realized this: What made me feel so out of place at that meeting? Was it the people there? Not really. If I was honest, I had to admit they had been very welcoming; friendly; inclusive. I was certain any one of them would have told me I was more than welcome to be there. If I was even more honest, most of the problem that evening was really me. Had I been ok with acknowledging my different-ness and the fact that no amount of kindness and acceptance and inclusion from the people there could change that in the moment, maybe the evening would have been different.
I guess I am saying all of this to say -- there are many sides to this issue. It is easiest to point out the other side's faults, to know how they should change or why that shouldn't have felt hurtful to them. I think one of the most helpful things we can do for each other is listen well. If they said that felt hurtful, it did. If they said they didn't mean it that way at all, they didn't. If they said that's why they did it, it is. It's called Grace.
I've asked a dear friend of mine who has walked many miles in the shoes of blending cultures if she would share some things from her journey with us here. I will be back with her story tomorrow.
2 comments:
Well said, Bethany! There's nothing like a shared experience to build empathy! And we are all in so much need of grace.
I'm one of those looking those looking in from the outside and wanting desperately to be "inside". I share the same doctrinal beliefs as conservative Mennonites but I believe in submitting to my husband so we attend a Baptist church.
We enjoy fellowshipping with our friends in the Mennonite church and my husband wants me to be able to have a chance to fellowship with like-minded women as much as possible.
Anyway, I enjoyed this post and thank you for sharing your experience with the Antrim Mennonite Choir. I have many of their CDs.
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