Confession: I end up delving into things here that I have felt deeply but never feel comfortable talking about. I'm sure I haven't given enough disclaimers or explanations or flip sides. I hope you hear my heart.
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It is a grey, rainy Monday. Not such a good thing for all the piles of laundry that I didn't do over the weekend, but a rather cozy day to curl up and do as little as possible after a week of rushing around doing all the things. (That's how we enneagram nines roll, don't you know.)
I realized again last week, that high school graduation is the most emotional part of mothering that I have experienced so far. I know every mother is different, but for me there is something so safe and secure about sending my children off to school every year. Graduation marks the end of that yearly security, and it throws my mother heart for a loop somehow! I was an emotional wreck last week, tears overflowing at the oddest moments and for the most ridiculous reasons. When I wondered if I might be losing my mind, it helped to remember that I felt the same way several years ago when Isaac graduated. I'm also pretty convinced that even when I don't consciously think of it, my brain is subconsciously triggered by May being the anniversary of my mom's death.
All in all, graduation night was lovely and special. I couldn't be more proud of my oldest daughter and the young lady she's become. And I couldn't be more relieved to have last week behind me! The graduate wholeheartedly agrees.
Jasmine is a very smart, talented young lady. She's the kind of person that is well liked and good at everything she does. I've heard people ask, "Is there anything she can't do?" I've heard her called amazing and I've heard her called exceptional; I won't argue -- she is. I am proud and humbled to have her as a daughter, but allow me to say just a few things about being the parent of "smart, good" children.
"Smart, good" children have struggles too. Did you know, they sometimes feel like failing a test on purpose so that their classmates can stop making comments about how they always get good grades? Did you know, they sometimes struggle with the expectations that are placed on them because they always do a good job? Did you know, they sometimes wish their hard work was appreciated and valued, instead of being brushed aside with the attitude of "oh, of course"? Did you know, they sometimes stop raising their hands to answer questions because nobody likes smart know-it-alls?
"Smart, good" children don't just get that way because that's how they were born. Don't get me wrong, I know there is a difference in the natural abilities of people. But everyone is born with the same sin nature. Everyone has to make the same choices about truth and identity and who they are going to follow. Sometimes, being labeled with words like 'exceptional' can feel devaluing rather than complimentary. "Smart, good" children struggle just as hard with choices and relationships and life as anyone else. Their struggles come in different forms and show up in different places, but they are no less hard. If you see a child that seems exceptional, you can bet that underneath the surface somewhere there have been hard fought battles that have made them who they are.
Jasmine is a very talented, smart young lady. Only in the past year have I realized the depth of some of the struggles she has gone through that have made her the person she is today. Looking back, I think she struggled with a type of OCD called scrupulosity. My heart aches for all the pain and inner turmoil she went through and how little I realized the torment that was going on in her young mind. I know, without a doubt, that the young lady she has become is because of the grace of God and her hard won choices for truth, not just because she is exceptional.
Wow. I really did not plan to go down that long bunny trail when I started this post!
I guess, in the end, what this really is about is reminding myself that we are all way more alike than different. We are all fighting our own battles and deserve kindness and grace. If you've been one of the "smart, good" children -- this is me giving you credit for all the hard work you've done and the inner battles you've fought that nobody ever saw or valued. Good job!
And now I really must take care of my laundry.
9 comments:
I've been a silent follower on here.I'm a school teacher and next week my oldest student is graduating. I've taught younger grades but this is the first year that I have older students. I feel so lost as to how to prepare mentally.It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm so excited for her because I know how ready she is for this big moment and yet at the same time it's hard to let her go.It's hard to let go of those dependable,steady students. And yet at the same time it's exciting to see how they've grown and how they have proved that they are ready for more responsibilities beyond school. How does a teacher prepare for a graduation and how do you prepare the student?What is meaningful to the one graduating?I want to make the last week a good week and I want to finish out strong.Ok enough of my ramblings!
I don't really have any answers for your questions, but bless you for being the kind of teacher who cares deeply about your students! I'm pretty sure that kind of personal interest and care will do more for your student than any one big, meaningful thing you could ever think of doing ❤❤
Furthermore, Jasmine looks so much like your mom. Maybe that's another reason that May '22 seems to be a special trigger for your feelings.
Thanks for telling us about this collision and kaleidoscope of emotions. I hope articulating these feelings and struggles makes it easier to process them.
Linda Rose
Thank you for speaking up for the "smart, good" child (or adult, for that matter). I know personally some of those exact struggles that you exposed... like not wanting to say my grade was a 100% because I knew the resulting eye-rolls and "of course"s that were to follow. Or not knowing how to explain that I actually worked/studied for what I got. Nevermind. This isn't about me commiserating, and I really don't think about that phase of my life anymore... especially since mothering and "wife-ing" have a way of highlighting everything in which you fall short, and one realizes she is not as accomplished as she could wish. (Life is such a humbling experience). But anyway. Thanks again for standing up for us... and bless you for hearing your daughter's heart.
I've heard that pretty often (that Jasmine looks like my mom) and it never gets old!
It's not something that gets talked about very often!
Yep, me too! I was one of those in school but also feel like mothering has highlighted that we all have our weaknesses.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Thank you for delving into this topic that doesn't get talked about much. I could relate to a lot of what you described - for myself, and for my "accomplished" children. Congratulations to your daughter (she has worked very hard to get to this place) and to you (for all of your help and support over the years); I hope the grad is/was very meaningful for both of you. And here's a hug for those times you especially miss your mom in the month of May. The anniversary of the Homegoing of one's mom is such a poignant time...or that's how I find it, anyway.
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