Good morning to you all on this sunny, Saturday morning in Ohio! About My Father's Business here, reporting on Bethany Eicher's week. Hi Bethany, we're all waiting to hear about your week, how did it go? Did you find it impossible to be cranky if you were actively trying to make others happy?
B: Good morning! Wellllll, I would say there is a lot of truth to the statement but I don't know if I accomplished it completely last week.
AMFB: So you're saying you still had some cranky moments?
B: I'm not going to comment on that, except to say I did find that what you're focusing on really does make a difference.
AMFB: And how did you come to that conclusion?
B: Well, I would say it really did make a difference in my week to have the idea of making others happy at the front of my mind. Even when I wasn't necessarily doing something specific for someone else, my focus was different.
AMFB: Interesting. So did you do a lot of specific things for other people last week?
B: Yes and no.
AMFB: Yes and no? Can we get a little more specific with that?
B: Well, it was a very ordinary week. I didn't do a lot of specific things for people outside my four walls at home. I guess I kinda decided if this is going to change me it's going to have to work at home, you know what I mean? I can't just be coming up with a bunch of unusual projects for other people, if that makes sense.
AMFB: Yes it does, I like that. So you're saying you chose to focus on the people closest to you? How did that look?
B: Pretty normal, actually.
AMFB: Ok, so not a lot of fancy tea parties or special activities? What did you do exactly?
B: Well, I read more stories; I played some games. We had some special snacks - like I made cinnamon rolls one day, just for anyhow (which is very unusual!) We got out the ice cream and chocolate syrup one night for a snack before bed, little stuff like that.
AMFB: So maybe you could say it was more paying attention to the little things than it was actually doing lots of extra specific things to make people happy?
B: Yes, exactly! I found myself viewing everything I did in a different light. Like I looked at the things I needed to do as doing them to make my family happy, instead of just jobs that had to be done - poor me. Two of my girls needed dresses for programs, I let the children choose the supper menus for the week, baking cookies for lunches... things that needed to be done but I looked at them as ways to make my people happy, and it made such a difference in my focus!
AMFB: So basically you're saying that you didn't look for all kinds of extra things to do to make people happy, you just focused on how the things you needed to do would make people happy and that changed your attitude in the process?
B: Yes! Yes, I would say that is what happened.
AMFB: That's awesome! Did that carry over into things you needed to do for people outside your family, as well?
B: Yes, I would say so. We had the opportunity to host my son's friend for several days last week while his parents were gone, umm, I helped give two Christmas programs with our church choir - one at a church on Sunday evening and one at a hospice Christmas service another evening, I worked on Christmas mail, we invited friends over one evening. I know I looked at all those things differently because I was thinking about 'actively making other people happy'.
AMFB: Made it 'impossible to be cranky', hu?
B: Ha ha, I guess you could say that. I didn't do it perfectly, of course, but there's no question that it made a difference!
AMFB: That's great! I really love the idea that it's not about doing all kinds of extra big things for others - cause, I mean, we can't always be doing that! But that it was more looking at the daily things in a different light.
B: Right. Of course, it always helps to throw in a few extra things just purely because you know it will make people happy...
AMFB: Sure! That keeps it exciting.
B: Exactly. But that's not really what's going to hold you up through the long haul. I mean there's a lot of daily-ness that just has to be done every week; no amount of coming up with exciting ways to make people happy is going to change that!
AMFB: Yes! That's why changing our focus on those things is so key!
B: Absolutely.
AMFB: Thank you so much for sharing, Bethany! This has been very interesting and, hopefully, helpful for someone else out there today.
That's all we have to share today! As always, we'd love to hear what you're thinking or maybe you have something to share about your week of actively making others happy? Feel free to tell us in the comments!
Have a great weekend.
"He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much..." Luke 16:10
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Sunday, October 22, 2017
To Be Apart
It is my uneducated belief that there is nothing so good for a marriage as time spent apart. Maybe not always. I also believe it is essential for a good marriage to place high value on time for just the two of you together. But there is nothing that makes you appreciate what you have, more than when you don't have it; nothing.
Chris and I have always been very generous with each other when it comes to allowing the other one to go off and do something on their own. He pushes me to do it and I encourage him to go if he can. Sometimes it's just a Saturday afternoon run to town for him by himself or going to the sewing alone for me. Other times it's ongoing projects, like him being in charge of the school's Bible Quizzing and going to a practice every Tuesday night or me going to choir practice once a week and helping with the Christmas program. Sometimes, it's bigger things, like me going to Arkansas alone to be there for my dad's surgery or him going off for a week to help a buddy with a job.
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is not a meaningless, empty saying. It's true.
It's not until they're not around that you really realize how much you depend on their support every single day. How much you take for granted another adult in the house to fill in the gaps where you leave off. How much you rely on another person in authority to take over when you're weary of 'adulting'. How nice it is to not carry the sole responsibility for everything. How hard it is to go to bed at a decent hour when you know it's going to be just you laying there....
My week has gone well, really. It is quite different to be a single mom when your two oldest tower over you and your youngest tucks himself into bed at night. I remember the days when work required Chris to overnight somewhere and I had two 'babies' to put to sleep. First one cried and then the other until finally I joined them and wondered if I would ever make it past those days! Time has a way of dimming those memories but it is much easier when your children are older, there's no question about that.
Weeks like this have a way of making me face my fear head on. The longer I live, and the more people I learn to know, the more often I hear the words 'cancer' and 'freak accident' and 'sudden death'. Some days I wonder how much longer it can be before the news hits closer home? Sometimes I think I should be more surprised and shocked that we're all alive and healthy than I would be to find that we're not! Having my husband gone for a week drives in a sharp reminder of how it would be if he never came back. It's sobering. And it's good for me.
I need these kind of reminders over and over and over. It's nearly impossible, it seems, to keep the perspective of eternity in the forefront. He goes off to work every day and comes home; I take children to school and do housework. Repeat, repeat, repeat. In the daily-ness of life, it's so easy to think it will stay this way forever. Many, many people could testify to the fact that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye -- one phone call, one Dr appointment, one freak accident, one last good bye.
It's been a long week. The road to Arkansas is long and, while I know it's a bit irrational, the battle with fear will be so much less when all those miles have been traveled and Chris is back, safe, at home. Still, I'm glad for these experiences. If you get the chance to be apart from your spouse for a day or two... or seven, I'd encourage you to do it. You'll appreciate each other in a whole new way on reunion day!
PS. And when he shows up at 8:00 on Sunday morning instead of 8:00 Sunday night, you might discover you can do cartwheels and backflips.....in your mind, at least.
Chris and I have always been very generous with each other when it comes to allowing the other one to go off and do something on their own. He pushes me to do it and I encourage him to go if he can. Sometimes it's just a Saturday afternoon run to town for him by himself or going to the sewing alone for me. Other times it's ongoing projects, like him being in charge of the school's Bible Quizzing and going to a practice every Tuesday night or me going to choir practice once a week and helping with the Christmas program. Sometimes, it's bigger things, like me going to Arkansas alone to be there for my dad's surgery or him going off for a week to help a buddy with a job.
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is not a meaningless, empty saying. It's true.
It's not until they're not around that you really realize how much you depend on their support every single day. How much you take for granted another adult in the house to fill in the gaps where you leave off. How much you rely on another person in authority to take over when you're weary of 'adulting'. How nice it is to not carry the sole responsibility for everything. How hard it is to go to bed at a decent hour when you know it's going to be just you laying there....
My week has gone well, really. It is quite different to be a single mom when your two oldest tower over you and your youngest tucks himself into bed at night. I remember the days when work required Chris to overnight somewhere and I had two 'babies' to put to sleep. First one cried and then the other until finally I joined them and wondered if I would ever make it past those days! Time has a way of dimming those memories but it is much easier when your children are older, there's no question about that.
Weeks like this have a way of making me face my fear head on. The longer I live, and the more people I learn to know, the more often I hear the words 'cancer' and 'freak accident' and 'sudden death'. Some days I wonder how much longer it can be before the news hits closer home? Sometimes I think I should be more surprised and shocked that we're all alive and healthy than I would be to find that we're not! Having my husband gone for a week drives in a sharp reminder of how it would be if he never came back. It's sobering. And it's good for me.
I need these kind of reminders over and over and over. It's nearly impossible, it seems, to keep the perspective of eternity in the forefront. He goes off to work every day and comes home; I take children to school and do housework. Repeat, repeat, repeat. In the daily-ness of life, it's so easy to think it will stay this way forever. Many, many people could testify to the fact that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye -- one phone call, one Dr appointment, one freak accident, one last good bye.
It's been a long week. The road to Arkansas is long and, while I know it's a bit irrational, the battle with fear will be so much less when all those miles have been traveled and Chris is back, safe, at home. Still, I'm glad for these experiences. If you get the chance to be apart from your spouse for a day or two... or seven, I'd encourage you to do it. You'll appreciate each other in a whole new way on reunion day!
PS. And when he shows up at 8:00 on Sunday morning instead of 8:00 Sunday night, you might discover you can do cartwheels and backflips.....in your mind, at least.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Thoughts On The Gathered Thoughts
The house is silent; I hear the ticking of the clock - two of them, in fact. There is a large stack of dishes I should be tackling, as well as a messy floor covered with toys. There are two books from the library that will need to be returned shortly without having been read if I don't soon get started. But the house is silent and there is only me in it and it's hard to decide what I should do first? Such is the painful predicament of having a lovely sister-in-law who likes to invite my kiddos over for hotdog roasts and the like and doesn't mind me being lazy and staying home.
The truth is, I really should have assigned a dishwasher and a toy picker upper before everyone left on their jaunt but I was too busy looking forward to the quiet to care. So here I am, twiddling away my time. I am optimistically thinking I can somehow manage to do it all but choosing first to listen to the ticking clock and letting my thoughts ramble on. I'll worry about dishes and messes and supper prep later.
In the silence, I'm asking myself, "What have you learned from this advice gathering experience? Have you figured anything out?"
Thanks to a friend's suggestion, I'm enjoying this collection on my wall.
The trees you see stand strong and tall beside my in-law's house. They were my living room window view for four and a half years. It is the same trees in every picture ---
The truth is, I really should have assigned a dishwasher and a toy picker upper before everyone left on their jaunt but I was too busy looking forward to the quiet to care. So here I am, twiddling away my time. I am optimistically thinking I can somehow manage to do it all but choosing first to listen to the ticking clock and letting my thoughts ramble on. I'll worry about dishes and messes and supper prep later.
In the silence, I'm asking myself, "What have you learned from this advice gathering experience? Have you figured anything out?"
Thanks to a friend's suggestion, I'm enjoying this collection on my wall.
The trees you see stand strong and tall beside my in-law's house. They were my living room window view for four and a half years. It is the same trees in every picture ---
The thin blue and
pale, new green of Spring;
The deep blue and
lush, full green of Summer;
The azure blue and
glorious, rich orange of Autumn;
The cool grey and
majestic silhouette of Winter.
Each season the trees are beautiful and amazing in their own right. Of course, there are things about each season that aren't so nice - Spring's mud and drizzling rain showers; Summer's blazing heat and ensuing drought; Autumn's dying and stripping of leaves; Winter's cold and barren, drab landscape. Still, each picture captures a beauty and significance all it's own.
I'm sure you know where I'm going with all this. It sounds rather cliché and hardly worth mentioning: our lives are like the tree; get it?
Sometimes I think I make life more complicated than necessary. What if it is really as simple as the cliché? I think that is why I loved this simple gem of wisdom so much:
"There are two things about change:
It's really that simple.
Life is full of layers. There are hard things in each season and beautiful things; there are valleys and mountaintops; rivers and deserts. In the midst of it all I desperately need solid truth to keep me on track. There is value in creative disciplines and structure that will provide guidance and tremendous encouragement can be gained through friendly tips and advice from those who have traveled the way before me.
But mostly? Mostly I need the simple gems of truth - the clichés, if you will - that I can cling to and live out of. Every season is beautiful. Every season will change but God is going to be there because He always has been. With that knowledge, I can embrace the present and the changes it may bring. I can realize the joy of whose I am and put my heart into whatever He brings me to do - today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day.
"There are two things about change:
#1. They will happen throughout your entire life.
#2. God will always be with us......I believe He will simply because He always has."
It's really that simple.
Life is full of layers. There are hard things in each season and beautiful things; there are valleys and mountaintops; rivers and deserts. In the midst of it all I desperately need solid truth to keep me on track. There is value in creative disciplines and structure that will provide guidance and tremendous encouragement can be gained through friendly tips and advice from those who have traveled the way before me.
But mostly? Mostly I need the simple gems of truth - the clichés, if you will - that I can cling to and live out of. Every season is beautiful. Every season will change but God is going to be there because He always has been. With that knowledge, I can embrace the present and the changes it may bring. I can realize the joy of whose I am and put my heart into whatever He brings me to do - today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day.
"To everything there is a
Season,
And a time to every purpose
under Heaven."
Eccl 3:1
Eccl 3:1
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Gathered Advice Part 3: A Guest Post - Growing Up With Our Kids
Back in 2015, Chris and I attended a Love And Respect conference at a local church in the town where Chris works. Some of you may remember me writing about it here. During the course of that day, we split into small groups for a session, and the lady in charge of our group asked us to each introduce ourselves and tell how we heard about the conference. Chris explained how we had seen the church's billboard and looked up the information it gave. The lady's eyes lit up with delight as she listened! She then shared how she had been praying that billboard would reach people and how blessed she was to hear that her prayers had been answered.
That lady's name was Lisa Frisch, and she later found my blog through a mutual friend. Since then, her comments have been an encouragement to me as well as discovering that she also writes and shares at Thoughts Collected By Lisa.
After I wrote my post asking for advice, Lisa commented that she thinks she will write about this subject on her blog. This sparked an idea for me and I asked her if she would be willing to share her post here? She agreed, and I am so happy to be sharing her post today!
***********************
The brave, humble questions of a fellow Christian blogger have sparked my introspection about parenting and aging gracefully. Bethany has five children and writes about a life and faith that I admire, giving me confidence that she will "enjoy each stage and navigate the changes gracefully." I only have sons, but since both are grown men and she asked for advice from women with experience in transitioning from mother-to-children to mother-to-adults, I'm collecting my thoughts on what we did right, what I regret, and the role of God's grace in parenting and aging.
Shortly after I gave birth naturally to our 8 lb 9 oz son (I repeated this 3 1/2 years later), I felt panic rising about not being equipped to handle the challenges that his growing-up-years might present. My husband calmly reassured me that we would "grow up with our kids."
As we shaped our family life, we followed the pattern of our parents. I stayed at home and he worked hard to provide. We took our kids to church every week, encouraging them to participate in Sunday School and Youth Group and to use their talents in church. They made friends there and we spent time with families who shared our values. As I tell in Wear Out Your Chairs, we ate dinner together, adjusting schedules to do so.
Those external practices laid a solid foundation for them. Sadly, though, during their earliest years, I was rather fearful. We were protective of our kids (car seats, bike helmets, vaccinations, orthodontics, etc.), but I worried about things that were hard to control (accidents, influence of rough kids, lyme disease, failure, heartbreak, evils of the internet, etc. See Many Dangers Toils and Snares.) My faith was based more in what I did than in the love of God for me and my kids. It reminds me of Finding Nemo when Marlin tells Dory that he promised to never let anything happen to Nemo. She responds, "That's a funny thing to promise...then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun..."
By God's grace, none of the tragedies I imagined came to pass, but things did happen to them. One swallowed the "little vitamin" (birth control pill) I left on the table. One bone did get broken. Both had college roommate issues. And both have endured a broken heart. They have found, as I have, that tests and trials do make us stronger and more mature just as the Bible teaches.
My husband was right. We did grow with our kids. We became scout leaders for their packs; I volunteered in their classrooms; and we supported them in their pursuits. We did life together. It paid off in close relationships with them. When they set out on their own, I transitioned from stay-at-home mom to stay-at-phone mom, available when they wanted to talk. Early adult years included late night phone calls which their dad took with patience and ended with prayer.
As a mom of boys, I have learned that the role does change as they become men. Just as we did, they need to make important decisions. We are blessed that our advice and example can help. With them living two hours away now, much of their daily life is out of my sight. That's not a bad thing. One regret I have about their childhood years is being a bit too protective and treating them as little kids instead of little men. In God's grace, I became aware of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect message for mothers of sons when I needed to better understand how to communicate my respect for these Good Men.
Looking back over thirty years of parenting, I'm thankful for what our sons have become and for how I have grown. Yes, the nest is empty, but I can truly say that I am content in all circumstances - loving the time we spend together and being joyful even when we are apart. Through the years, my husband has continued to listen to my anxious heart and to invest time in our friendship. True, we are growing older, but we're doing it together in the strength of our faithful God. We aren't crazy about some of the physical changes we see, but we try to keep our eyes fixed on what is unseen, because "what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
My friend Bethany is anticipating "the wistful sadness of no more little people in the house," and I have experienced that, especially when looking at old photos. In my case, God spared me some of the emptiness by moving us to a different city and giving me a new hobby to keep me busy. And for a few years, I've been investing in other peoples' kids through visits to first grade classrooms. And, yes, Bethany, we older women are called to teach the younger ones how to love (be friendly to) their husbands and children. God has blessed me with that ministry where I rejoice to see Him working.
I don't know what the future holds. I may become a grandmother and get to see my sons be dads. And, I may become a widow as most women do. My anticipated sadness of that could sap the joy right out of this day. So my best advice is to trust in the Lord's promises to never leave us and to supply us with the grace and strength for each day. My "more experienced" older friends testify that His love never fails.
*****************************
Thanks again, Lisa, for allowing me to share your post here. I so enjoyed hearing your thoughts and was especially challenged by your enthusiasm for being involved in new ministries as your boys grew up and life changed.
For those of you reading, I hope you follow the links in Lisa's post and enjoy more of her writing!
This ends my "gathered advice", unless someone else feels led to share with me ☺ I may be back with some of my own thoughts to conclude this subject.
That lady's name was Lisa Frisch, and she later found my blog through a mutual friend. Since then, her comments have been an encouragement to me as well as discovering that she also writes and shares at Thoughts Collected By Lisa.
After I wrote my post asking for advice, Lisa commented that she thinks she will write about this subject on her blog. This sparked an idea for me and I asked her if she would be willing to share her post here? She agreed, and I am so happy to be sharing her post today!
***********************
The brave, humble questions of a fellow Christian blogger have sparked my introspection about parenting and aging gracefully. Bethany has five children and writes about a life and faith that I admire, giving me confidence that she will "enjoy each stage and navigate the changes gracefully." I only have sons, but since both are grown men and she asked for advice from women with experience in transitioning from mother-to-children to mother-to-adults, I'm collecting my thoughts on what we did right, what I regret, and the role of God's grace in parenting and aging.
Shortly after I gave birth naturally to our 8 lb 9 oz son (I repeated this 3 1/2 years later), I felt panic rising about not being equipped to handle the challenges that his growing-up-years might present. My husband calmly reassured me that we would "grow up with our kids."
As we shaped our family life, we followed the pattern of our parents. I stayed at home and he worked hard to provide. We took our kids to church every week, encouraging them to participate in Sunday School and Youth Group and to use their talents in church. They made friends there and we spent time with families who shared our values. As I tell in Wear Out Your Chairs, we ate dinner together, adjusting schedules to do so.
Those external practices laid a solid foundation for them. Sadly, though, during their earliest years, I was rather fearful. We were protective of our kids (car seats, bike helmets, vaccinations, orthodontics, etc.), but I worried about things that were hard to control (accidents, influence of rough kids, lyme disease, failure, heartbreak, evils of the internet, etc. See Many Dangers Toils and Snares.) My faith was based more in what I did than in the love of God for me and my kids. It reminds me of Finding Nemo when Marlin tells Dory that he promised to never let anything happen to Nemo. She responds, "That's a funny thing to promise...then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun..."
By God's grace, none of the tragedies I imagined came to pass, but things did happen to them. One swallowed the "little vitamin" (birth control pill) I left on the table. One bone did get broken. Both had college roommate issues. And both have endured a broken heart. They have found, as I have, that tests and trials do make us stronger and more mature just as the Bible teaches.
My husband was right. We did grow with our kids. We became scout leaders for their packs; I volunteered in their classrooms; and we supported them in their pursuits. We did life together. It paid off in close relationships with them. When they set out on their own, I transitioned from stay-at-home mom to stay-at-phone mom, available when they wanted to talk. Early adult years included late night phone calls which their dad took with patience and ended with prayer.
As a mom of boys, I have learned that the role does change as they become men. Just as we did, they need to make important decisions. We are blessed that our advice and example can help. With them living two hours away now, much of their daily life is out of my sight. That's not a bad thing. One regret I have about their childhood years is being a bit too protective and treating them as little kids instead of little men. In God's grace, I became aware of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect message for mothers of sons when I needed to better understand how to communicate my respect for these Good Men.
Father's Day 2008, the year Eric graduated from college and Kyle graduated from high school.
Looking back over thirty years of parenting, I'm thankful for what our sons have become and for how I have grown. Yes, the nest is empty, but I can truly say that I am content in all circumstances - loving the time we spend together and being joyful even when we are apart. Through the years, my husband has continued to listen to my anxious heart and to invest time in our friendship. True, we are growing older, but we're doing it together in the strength of our faithful God. We aren't crazy about some of the physical changes we see, but we try to keep our eyes fixed on what is unseen, because "what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
My friend Bethany is anticipating "the wistful sadness of no more little people in the house," and I have experienced that, especially when looking at old photos. In my case, God spared me some of the emptiness by moving us to a different city and giving me a new hobby to keep me busy. And for a few years, I've been investing in other peoples' kids through visits to first grade classrooms. And, yes, Bethany, we older women are called to teach the younger ones how to love (be friendly to) their husbands and children. God has blessed me with that ministry where I rejoice to see Him working.
The good old days of 1992 when we were living in Minot, ND.
I don't know what the future holds. I may become a grandmother and get to see my sons be dads. And, I may become a widow as most women do. My anticipated sadness of that could sap the joy right out of this day. So my best advice is to trust in the Lord's promises to never leave us and to supply us with the grace and strength for each day. My "more experienced" older friends testify that His love never fails.
*****************************
Thanks again, Lisa, for allowing me to share your post here. I so enjoyed hearing your thoughts and was especially challenged by your enthusiasm for being involved in new ministries as your boys grew up and life changed.
For those of you reading, I hope you follow the links in Lisa's post and enjoy more of her writing!
This ends my "gathered advice", unless someone else feels led to share with me ☺ I may be back with some of my own thoughts to conclude this subject.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Gathered Advice: Part 2
As I said in my earlier post, "That Awkward Stage", I'm finding myself in a new stage of life these days. This year my husband turned 40; next year our oldest will be sixteen and the youngest will go off to kindergarten. I've found myself looking back wistfully at the years with my hands full of little people. Life was so simple when you could smooth away all the problems with a rocking chair and a kiss (never mind the mind-numbing lack of sleep in those days and trying to decipher the crying of a fussy baby...) What I've realized, as I shove back the nostalgia and determine to enjoy the present, is that my sadness might be mostly the reality of what being mother to a sixteen year old and my youngest going to school next year makes me. Not old, exactly, but a whole lot old-er than it feels like I should be.
Mid-life crisis is defined as an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age. It is suddenly taking stock of your life and realizing that it may well be half over; what have I accomplished and where am I going from here?
I have found myself asking these questions and facing this reality. My question, then, was how do I do this gracefully? Today I'm sharing with you some excellent advice from ladies who have travelled this road before me.
---------------------------------------
Mid-life crisis is defined as an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age. It is suddenly taking stock of your life and realizing that it may well be half over; what have I accomplished and where am I going from here?
I have found myself asking these questions and facing this reality. My question, then, was how do I do this gracefully? Today I'm sharing with you some excellent advice from ladies who have travelled this road before me.
---------------------------------------
"There are two things about change:
#1. They will happen throughout your entire life..
#2. God will always be with us.
I have somewhat of the personality to plunge forward into change with an upward plea, "God, you're gonna have to help me".
I believe He will simply because He always has."
{I can't tell you how much I love this simple piece of advice. Facts are the mooring needed in the middle of change and questions. What better truth to ground me than this?}
"I will jot down some thoughts that come to me, not in any certain order like how important, or anything...and maybe this is not even the kind of thing you were asking for...but here goes:
"I will jot down some thoughts that come to me, not in any certain order like how important, or anything...and maybe this is not even the kind of thing you were asking for...but here goes:
1. Journaling was/is a lifesaver for me. In problem-solving, not only does it help me to understand what I’m dealing with, but it helps me to organize my options and come to conclusions better. In my spiritual journey, it helps me to process with greater clarity what I am going through at the time and then later helps to strengthen my faith when I can read back over previous victories and evidences of God’s faithfulness.
2. The daily habit of gratitude has transformed my life, since I started it about six years ago. I try to write down three things a day that I’m grateful for – things I noticed that were outstanding, or ordinary things that I tend to take for granted if I’m not intentional, or difficult things that I am not grateful for at the moment but wish to be soon. This practice has changed my whole outlook on life. In the transition to mom-of-adults, in the changes of our family life, in navigating the onset of menopause...I have been overwhelmed at the steady, faithful, giving nature of God. Sometimes I feel so rich I can hardly stand it.
3. What you said about identity is noteworthy – “How did they gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am?” I would say that the more I learn who I am in Christ, the easier it is to adapt gracefully. If I have my identity and worth so bound up in mothering my children, or in how much I am able to accomplish in physical work, or in my knowledge/intelligence, when my children leave home, or I just can’t work like I used to without getting aches and pains, or I start forgetting things and having mind lapses, I will be devastated. I will feel like I am losing who I am and I won’t know how to cope. The sooner I can learn to live out of the concept of Whose I am rather than who I am, the better.
4. I think it’s a good idea to be informed about what you’re going through. (That’s why I think yours is such a good idea to learn from other women.) If I were to make a list of notes to my younger self, I would include things like “Read up on perimenopause (yes, self, there is such a thing, and it can come before you know it!) and get acquainted with its symptoms”, “Ask that older mom at church what meaningful things she would recommend doing with adult children in the months leading up to their leaving home for the first time (or for good)” and “If you can, discuss your questions about scary topics with a trusted friend because you may be surprised and comforted to know that she snapped at her grown son – over basically nothing – the other day and she lies awake for an hour or two at night even when she didn’t drink any coffee and she sometimes feels despairingly dry toward her husband in bed.”
5. Get yourself a good, understanding husband and a couple of close fun and funny friends to see you through this time in your life. You’re gonna need ‘em."
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I'm not even sure how to express my appreciation for these ladies who shared from their heart. It was exactly what I was looking for and blessed me deeply; thank you!
Next up I have a guest post I'm looking forward to sharing with you....
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Gathered Advice: Part 1
I must confess, when I hit publish on "That Awkward Stage", I really doubted I would get any response. I handed out my email address and boldly asked for tips but I secretly expected nothing. What that really boiled down to was the feeling that God didn't care enough about me to send responses my way.
Guess what? He did care!
He spoke loud and clear through you readers when not one but five emails landed in my inbox. I enjoyed the tips and advice from each of them, but the fact that God cared enough to prompt the writers to share them spoke to me the loudest. I'll even admit to wiping a few tears as I thanked Him for the tangible evidence of His love for me.
As I promised, I'm going to share the advice with the rest of you. In this first post, I'll give you some input on parenting teens. I'm leaving the writers anonymous and I'm not sharing their emails in full but I hope you enjoy the advice!
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"We have children that are entering the teens, those years when they search for their niche in this world. We can encourage and suggest, but some decisions we cannot make for them."
" Stay involved in their lives. Take an interest in what they like to do. Pray often."
"It is such a fun stage to have children that you can relate to as an adult."
{Let me insert here, I've never agreed with the mom's who say they love having older children who they can reason with/discuss things with; I've always loved younger children and been intimidated by older ones. But, several weeks ago when my oldest daughter was away at camp for a week I realized how much I missed having someone around to carry on"adult" conversations with during the day! I hadn't realized how much I enjoy her friendship.}
Guess what? He did care!
He spoke loud and clear through you readers when not one but five emails landed in my inbox. I enjoyed the tips and advice from each of them, but the fact that God cared enough to prompt the writers to share them spoke to me the loudest. I'll even admit to wiping a few tears as I thanked Him for the tangible evidence of His love for me.
As I promised, I'm going to share the advice with the rest of you. In this first post, I'll give you some input on parenting teens. I'm leaving the writers anonymous and I'm not sharing their emails in full but I hope you enjoy the advice!
----------------------------
"We have children that are entering the teens, those years when they search for their niche in this world. We can encourage and suggest, but some decisions we cannot make for them."
" Stay involved in their lives. Take an interest in what they like to do. Pray often."
"It is such a fun stage to have children that you can relate to as an adult."
{Let me insert here, I've never agreed with the mom's who say they love having older children who they can reason with/discuss things with; I've always loved younger children and been intimidated by older ones. But, several weeks ago when my oldest daughter was away at camp for a week I realized how much I missed having someone around to carry on"adult" conversations with during the day! I hadn't realized how much I enjoy her friendship.}
"I used to wonder why the older ladies are so tight-lipped with advice when we younger ones so obviously needed to tap into their wealth of wisdom. Now I understand that for the most part it’s only by the grace of God our children turn out as well as they do –we didn’t have a clue what we were doing (in the thick of parenting) so we sure don’t have answers for everyone else......I have opinions, but I’m not at all sure what worked for me will work for you.
That was the disclaimer.
Advice I have for parenting teens... when they are small, listen to their chatter so that when they are older they will keep talking to you. The chatter will slow down and you’ll want to know what’s going on in that head. But if they got the message years ago that you are not interested in what they have to say, they won’t say it.
Sometimes I want to shake young parents... how to wake them up that they are setting a foundation for parenting teens?? So much of the influence you have over your children is much earlier than you think. They don’t realize answering a toddler’s million “why” questions every day is paving the way to getting a teen to [get off their phone long enough to] communicate. Till most parents are aware of it, it’s too late.
When they get to the teen years –especially once they can drive and you have less illusion of control over them- it’s fairly important not to overreact to things they tell you or you find out they are doing away from your presence. Gasping over stupid risk-taking/close calls... scolding for immature choices will not stop them from doing these things. It will only cause them to go undercover with it. Speaking from experience here. (Case in point- my parents were not happy with all the dress up socials we did when I was in service. Did it stop me from participating? No, I just quit telling them about it.) It takes the wisdom of Solomon to ‘school’ your reactions, but I keep saying I would rather know what they are doing, even if I don’t approve, than have them hide it from us. When my son got the 4wheeler stuck and it would’ve been pitch dark till he walked home but he didn’t have a cell phone along to call for help, he shot a large branch off a tree with the gun and used it to lever the 4wheeler out, I applauded his ingenuity but inside I was cringing over the many ways that could have ended badly. I thought I did pretty good covering up my alarm while teaching them to drive, but they gleefully tell stories how they always knew when I was nervous because I would clutch the door handle.
Something that has been big for me in parenting teens is to remember how I felt when I was their age. Yes, they seem so much younger and inexperienced than I was at their age, but I thought I was mature back then. I try to treat them the way I wanted to be treated. I loved, loved, loved the age my daughter is now so I try to release her to do things without me - get excited about what she’s doing, even though I’m too old for the slumber parties and things that were so much fun in my youth. Tell them things like “I’m so glad you have the opportunity to do this!” even when inside you are going “aww, that’s my baby!”
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Great advice, thank you so much ladies!!
I'll be back soon with part two, this time focusing more on my question of personal aging and how to gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am......
Friday, May 5, 2017
Five Minute Friday: 10 Tips For Teaching Little Children
*This post is the result of a rather unusual Five Minute Friday prompt to tell the group something you are knowledgeable about or good at. We discovered how hard it is to just honestly talk about something we think we're good at!
One of the things I told them was, "I know quite a bit about handling young children and am pretty good at keeping a class of 10-12 kiddos quiet, orderly and interested." Then I got to thinking it might be fun to come up with ten tips.
These come from years of teaching VBS and Sunday School as a youth and I'm feeling quite shy about sharing them but here goes:
#1. Expect them to behave. A lot of people expect little children to be a naughty, unmanageable handful. Guess what? They get exactly what they expect! Children live up to what is expected of them.
#2. Be firm; don't make empty threats. Children will test your boundaries. They figure out very quickly whether you are going to keep your word. I was once a young, VBS teacher to a little boy who simply wouldn't listen. I told him if he talked again he would need to sit with the superintendent. He talked. It took all my gumption to carry out my threat but that little boy was as good as gold the rest of the two weeks of VBS. Guess what else? He told me he liked me!
#3. Choose your battles carefully. Children are little people; they are not going to act like adults. Don't pick a battle about everything but stick with the battles you choose.
#4. Come to class fully prepared. It's easy to think you don't need to study much for a class of little children. The better you know your material and the more organized you are with your plan, the better your class time will go. Children recognize a lack of confidence and will take every advantage of it.
#5. Be as creative as possible. The more visual aids you can come up with, the better. Children love interactive lessons. Never read the story to them, tell it with great expression! Bring a Bible story tape if you have one; help them act the story out; find an object lesson to pique their interest.
#6. Make learning fun. Whisper the verse three times; say it with your eyes closed; make up motions to go with it. There's no reason for learning to be boring.
#7. Take an interest in their stories. Little children love to talk. Try to give them an opportunity to tell their stories; listen, and ask questions. They are little people who love to be heard.
#8. Reward good behaviour. This doesn't have to mean candy or stickers, although those are sometimes good incentives too. Let the person who isn't clamouring to go first be first in line. Ignore the person who yelled the answer and choose the one who raised their hand. Ask the quiet child to pass out the books.
#9. Have fun together. Sometimes we're trying so hard to be in charge that we forget to have fun. I remember a particular class when a child wanted my sticky tack, so I showed him how far it could be stretched and we ended up taking turns stretching it across the room and laughing.
#10. Keep it orderly. Children can be orderly but they aren't naturally that way. Have them line up at the door and pretend to be a train when they are dismissed; a sleeping train. If you need to walk together somewhere, take a rope or string and have everyone take hold and march. If it's getting loud, have everyone whisper for a bit or have them all be quiet enough to hear a pin drop on the table.
I enjoy little children and the challenge of the naughty ones usually makes them the most endearing to me ☺
Now, go think of something you're knowledgeable about or good at and give your Creator some praise!
One of the things I told them was, "I know quite a bit about handling young children and am pretty good at keeping a class of 10-12 kiddos quiet, orderly and interested." Then I got to thinking it might be fun to come up with ten tips.
These come from years of teaching VBS and Sunday School as a youth and I'm feeling quite shy about sharing them but here goes:
#1. Expect them to behave. A lot of people expect little children to be a naughty, unmanageable handful. Guess what? They get exactly what they expect! Children live up to what is expected of them.
#2. Be firm; don't make empty threats. Children will test your boundaries. They figure out very quickly whether you are going to keep your word. I was once a young, VBS teacher to a little boy who simply wouldn't listen. I told him if he talked again he would need to sit with the superintendent. He talked. It took all my gumption to carry out my threat but that little boy was as good as gold the rest of the two weeks of VBS. Guess what else? He told me he liked me!
#3. Choose your battles carefully. Children are little people; they are not going to act like adults. Don't pick a battle about everything but stick with the battles you choose.
#4. Come to class fully prepared. It's easy to think you don't need to study much for a class of little children. The better you know your material and the more organized you are with your plan, the better your class time will go. Children recognize a lack of confidence and will take every advantage of it.
#5. Be as creative as possible. The more visual aids you can come up with, the better. Children love interactive lessons. Never read the story to them, tell it with great expression! Bring a Bible story tape if you have one; help them act the story out; find an object lesson to pique their interest.
#6. Make learning fun. Whisper the verse three times; say it with your eyes closed; make up motions to go with it. There's no reason for learning to be boring.
#7. Take an interest in their stories. Little children love to talk. Try to give them an opportunity to tell their stories; listen, and ask questions. They are little people who love to be heard.
#8. Reward good behaviour. This doesn't have to mean candy or stickers, although those are sometimes good incentives too. Let the person who isn't clamouring to go first be first in line. Ignore the person who yelled the answer and choose the one who raised their hand. Ask the quiet child to pass out the books.
#9. Have fun together. Sometimes we're trying so hard to be in charge that we forget to have fun. I remember a particular class when a child wanted my sticky tack, so I showed him how far it could be stretched and we ended up taking turns stretching it across the room and laughing.
#10. Keep it orderly. Children can be orderly but they aren't naturally that way. Have them line up at the door and pretend to be a train when they are dismissed; a sleeping train. If you need to walk together somewhere, take a rope or string and have everyone take hold and march. If it's getting loud, have everyone whisper for a bit or have them all be quiet enough to hear a pin drop on the table.
I enjoy little children and the challenge of the naughty ones usually makes them the most endearing to me ☺
Now, go think of something you're knowledgeable about or good at and give your Creator some praise!
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Five Things That Make My Husband A Priority
I'm laughing to myself at my title. I am not a "Five things" or "Ten things" kind of person. For one thing, we all know there's not usually some secret formula with a certain number of steps that makes anything in life work perfectly. For another thing, I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I do not enjoy writing things that, in any way shape or form, make me out to be this person that has it all together and now I think I need to advise you. Don't enjoy it.
But.
The other night Chris and I were talking about marriage - listening to a podcast on the subject together, actually. The speaker hit on the subject of us mothers and how we are so busy and exhausted and feel like we have nothing left to give at the end of the day when our husbands come home. (Yes, the speaker was a woman.) Right in the middle of that part, Chris shook his head and suddenly reached over and hit pause.
"Just hold it right there," he said. "That is not really the issue. The issue is that most women don't think it's necessary to make their husbands a priority. How many of those "exhausted" women would jump at the chance to go shopping with a friend? How many of them would have time for the neighbor lady or time to bake cookies for a church project? But when it's their husband, they are e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d and have nothing left to give; he doesn't even make it on their priority list."
I'm thinking he has a point.
Once upon a time I gave some Unsolicited Dating Advice. I emphasized that a dating couple should focus on becoming best of friends. Our best friends are pretty high on our priority list, right? They see us at our best - and our worst, for that matter - but we take time for them because we want to be with them; we like to be with them.
As newlyweds I'm pretty sure we would have all said our husband was our best friend. Then children came along and our responsibilities grew and our time shortened. It was easy to start thinking, "Well, my husband is my best friend, he can handle less attention," ...if we actually stopped to think that far. Most of the time we didn't even stop to think. Our husbands just got pushed to the back and the noisier, more pressing things took first place.
I think what is important in a dating relationship just might be doubly so in marriage. If I am concerned about obedience to the Lord and his plan for marriage, than one of my goals will be to respect my husband. And if my goal is to respect my husband, it is important - even necessary - to make my husband a priority!
All of this got me to thinking, what things do I do that make my husband a priority? I thought of a number of things that I try to do...and a number of things I could do so much better! Most of them seem small in and of themselves and I certainly don't always do them perfectly but I decided I'd share five with you. So, in no particular order, here are five things I thought of that I try to do to make my husband number one on my priority list:
No work after supper. This is something I remember being a goal my mom and dad tried to live by and I think I sort of subconsciously took it into my marriage. There are, of course, exceptions to this but as a rule I don't start any big projects after supper. When the children were small, Chris would often want me to come sit with him after supper and leave the dishes. That was a tough one for me but I'm glad for every time I did it. These days my children do supper clean up and you will often find me sitting on the couch with my husband's head in my lap being "lazy". ☺
Make food that he likes. My children know that when daddy is home for supper we rarely have soup or tortillas or homemade pizza. It's not that He would refuse to eat them, it's just that I know those aren't things he enjoys. After a long day at work I think he deserves to have food that he enjoys! I often ask him what he is hungry for and plan supper accordingly.
Be available. My husband is a spontaneous person, so maybe this applies more to me than other wives. I try really hard to be flexible and lay aside my neat little "planner" if I get a text asking me to run an errand or help with a project. When our children were little Chris had his own business. Many, many times I would pack everyone up and go hang out with him at the job. Sometimes I could help but mostly he just loved having us there! My work will always be there when I get back home but I never know how many days I will have with my husband.
Care about what he thinks. Maybe that sounds silly but too often I catch myself caring about what everyone else thinks and disregarding my husband.
Say yes in the bedroom. This one should probably be at the top of the list. It makes the prude-ish, Mennonite girl in me blush but I think it needs to be said. Think of the thing your husband does that makes you feel the most loved. That thing that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and close to his heart. That thing that connects you to him and makes you so thankful he is the one you get to do life with. What if he would tell you he is just too tired and exhausted to do that for you as often as you tell him that in the bedroom? Yeah. Changes the picture a bit, huh?
There's so much more that could be said! What things do you do that make your husband a priority? I'd love to hear from you....
But.
The other night Chris and I were talking about marriage - listening to a podcast on the subject together, actually. The speaker hit on the subject of us mothers and how we are so busy and exhausted and feel like we have nothing left to give at the end of the day when our husbands come home. (Yes, the speaker was a woman.) Right in the middle of that part, Chris shook his head and suddenly reached over and hit pause.
"Just hold it right there," he said. "That is not really the issue. The issue is that most women don't think it's necessary to make their husbands a priority. How many of those "exhausted" women would jump at the chance to go shopping with a friend? How many of them would have time for the neighbor lady or time to bake cookies for a church project? But when it's their husband, they are e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d and have nothing left to give; he doesn't even make it on their priority list."
I'm thinking he has a point.
Once upon a time I gave some Unsolicited Dating Advice. I emphasized that a dating couple should focus on becoming best of friends. Our best friends are pretty high on our priority list, right? They see us at our best - and our worst, for that matter - but we take time for them because we want to be with them; we like to be with them.
As newlyweds I'm pretty sure we would have all said our husband was our best friend. Then children came along and our responsibilities grew and our time shortened. It was easy to start thinking, "Well, my husband is my best friend, he can handle less attention," ...if we actually stopped to think that far. Most of the time we didn't even stop to think. Our husbands just got pushed to the back and the noisier, more pressing things took first place.
I think what is important in a dating relationship just might be doubly so in marriage. If I am concerned about obedience to the Lord and his plan for marriage, than one of my goals will be to respect my husband. And if my goal is to respect my husband, it is important - even necessary - to make my husband a priority!
All of this got me to thinking, what things do I do that make my husband a priority? I thought of a number of things that I try to do...and a number of things I could do so much better! Most of them seem small in and of themselves and I certainly don't always do them perfectly but I decided I'd share five with you. So, in no particular order, here are five things I thought of that I try to do to make my husband number one on my priority list:
No work after supper. This is something I remember being a goal my mom and dad tried to live by and I think I sort of subconsciously took it into my marriage. There are, of course, exceptions to this but as a rule I don't start any big projects after supper. When the children were small, Chris would often want me to come sit with him after supper and leave the dishes. That was a tough one for me but I'm glad for every time I did it. These days my children do supper clean up and you will often find me sitting on the couch with my husband's head in my lap being "lazy". ☺
Make food that he likes. My children know that when daddy is home for supper we rarely have soup or tortillas or homemade pizza. It's not that He would refuse to eat them, it's just that I know those aren't things he enjoys. After a long day at work I think he deserves to have food that he enjoys! I often ask him what he is hungry for and plan supper accordingly.
Be available. My husband is a spontaneous person, so maybe this applies more to me than other wives. I try really hard to be flexible and lay aside my neat little "planner" if I get a text asking me to run an errand or help with a project. When our children were little Chris had his own business. Many, many times I would pack everyone up and go hang out with him at the job. Sometimes I could help but mostly he just loved having us there! My work will always be there when I get back home but I never know how many days I will have with my husband.
Care about what he thinks. Maybe that sounds silly but too often I catch myself caring about what everyone else thinks and disregarding my husband.
Say yes in the bedroom. This one should probably be at the top of the list. It makes the prude-ish, Mennonite girl in me blush but I think it needs to be said. Think of the thing your husband does that makes you feel the most loved. That thing that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and close to his heart. That thing that connects you to him and makes you so thankful he is the one you get to do life with. What if he would tell you he is just too tired and exhausted to do that for you as often as you tell him that in the bedroom? Yeah. Changes the picture a bit, huh?
There's so much more that could be said! What things do you do that make your husband a priority? I'd love to hear from you....
Monday, May 2, 2016
Unsolicited Dating Advice
I'm not exactly sure 'which wall' this post came off of but late one night it came spilling out, so here you go. I am no authority on the subject of dating ...... then again, I dated once and am happily married, so maybe I am?
I've been keeping this post in my draft folder for quite some time now but today, just for anyhow, here are 10 little tid bits of free dating advice.
1) Take your time. A solid foundation is not built in a day.
2) Focus on becoming best of friends. Romance is great but friendship is what will stand the test of time.
3) Call me old fashioned but I believe the old 'Hands Off' policy is best. It is extremely difficult to focus on building a strong foundation and becoming best of friends when you are busily stoking the fires of love and romance with physical contact. Trust me, those fires are easily stoked without any extra help. I am not of the persuasion that all physical touch before marriage is sin but in my opinion, if you are choosing the best, you choose Hands Off.
4) Be real. Best of friends don't do things just to win approval or make a good impression. If it is something you don't plan to do if you get married, don't do it while you're dating - opening her car door, bringing him his coffee, helping her wash dishes, allowing him to open doors.....
5) Don't be a clique. You are dating and you like to spend time together, of course. But someday you will need those other people in your lives, don't cut them off now. Do things with the whole group, be on opposite volleyball teams sometimes, let people ride with you when you go somewhere..... Best of friends don't have to be exclusive. They know the friendship is solid and will always be there. That's the kind of friendship that will see you through a lifetime; cultivate it. People will love to be around you.
6) Begin now to share all your secrets with each other. Best of friends know everything about each other and the only way to get there is to share. Ask each other questions about important issues and beliefs. Sometimes good old fashioned pen and paper are the best way to do questions and answers.
7) Play games together or some other form of relaxing recreation. In order to focus on becoming best of friends, it is important to not live in the 'romance trench' all the time. Do things together that allow you to have fun and get to know each other on a friendship level.
8) Allow each other the time needed to grow in your relationship. Sometimes you might find yourselves with differing levels of excitement about dating. Take your time, go back to focusing on being best of friends. The deepest love is the kind that grows slowly and pushes down it's roots.
9) Be spontaneous and keep it simple. A date doesn't always have to be in a fancy place with lighted candles. The closer you live to reality, the better off you will be.
10) If you truly do become best of friends, you will discover the flaws and irritations in each other. Point out and discuss as many of these as possible. Someday, when you marry your best friend, you will discover very few surprises and your journey into happily ever after will benefit greatly.
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Chris read this and grinned, "In other words, be just like us?" Well. Yes, of course! I mean, didn't we do everything just about perfectly? 😊
In all honesty, I know that no one mold fits every couple and relationship. These are ten things I see as beneficial to a dating relationship, I wonder what you think of?
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