Gathered Advice: Part 2

As I said in my earlier post, "That Awkward Stage", I'm finding myself in a new stage of life these days. This year my husband turned 40; next year our oldest will be sixteen and the youngest will go off to kindergarten. I've found myself looking back wistfully at the years with my hands full of little people. Life was so simple when you could smooth away all the problems with a rocking chair and a kiss (never mind the mind-numbing lack of sleep in those days and trying to decipher the crying of a fussy baby...) What I've realized, as I shove back the nostalgia and determine to enjoy the present, is that my sadness might be mostly the reality of what being mother to a sixteen year old and my youngest going to school next year makes me. Not old, exactly, but a whole lot old-er than it feels like I should be.


Mid-life crisis is defined as an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age. It is suddenly taking stock of your life and realizing that it may well be half over; what have I accomplished and where am I going from here?

I have found myself asking these questions and facing this reality. My question, then, was how do I do this gracefully? Today I'm sharing with you some excellent advice from ladies who have travelled this road before me.

               ---------------------------------------

"There are two things about change:

#1. They will happen throughout your entire life..

#2. God will always be with us.

I have somewhat of the personality to plunge forward into change with an upward plea, "God, you're gonna have to help me".

I believe He will simply because He always has."

{I can't tell you how much I love this simple piece of advice. Facts are the mooring needed in the middle of change and questions. What better truth to ground me than this?}

"I will jot down some thoughts that come to me, not in any certain order like how important, or anything...and maybe this is not even the kind of thing you were asking for...but here goes:

1. Journaling was/is a lifesaver for me. In problem-solving, not only does it help me to understand what I’m dealing with, but it helps me to organize my options and come to conclusions better. In my spiritual journey, it helps me to process with greater clarity what I am going through at the time and then later helps to strengthen my faith when I can read back over previous victories and evidences of God’s faithfulness. 

2. The daily habit of gratitude has transformed my life, since I started it about six years ago. I try to write down three things a day that I’m grateful for – things I noticed that were outstanding, or ordinary things that I tend to take for granted if I’m not intentional, or difficult things that I am not grateful for at the moment but wish to be soon. This practice has changed my whole outlook on life. In the transition to mom-of-adults, in the changes of our family life, in navigating the onset of menopause...I have been overwhelmed at the steady, faithful, giving nature of God. Sometimes I feel so rich I can hardly stand it.

3. What you said about identity is noteworthy – “How did they gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am?” I would say that the more I learn who I am in Christ, the easier it is to adapt gracefully. If I have my identity and worth so bound up in mothering my children, or in how much I am able to accomplish in physical work, or in my knowledge/intelligence, when my children leave home, or I just can’t work like I used to without getting aches and pains, or I start forgetting things and having mind lapses, I will be devastated. I will feel like I am losing who I am and I won’t know how to cope. The sooner I can learn to live out of the concept of Whose I am rather than who I am, the better.

4. I think it’s a good idea to be informed about what you’re going through. (That’s why I think yours is such a good idea to learn from other women.) If I were to make a list of notes to my younger self, I would include things like “Read up on perimenopause (yes, self, there is such a thing, and it can come before you know it!) and get acquainted with its symptoms”, “Ask that older mom at church what meaningful things she would recommend doing with adult children in the months leading up to their leaving home for the first time (or for good)” and “If you can, discuss your questions about scary topics with a trusted friend because you may be surprised and comforted to know that she snapped at her grown son – over basically nothing – the other day and she lies awake for an hour or two at night even when she didn’t drink any coffee and she sometimes feels despairingly dry toward her husband in bed.”

5. Get yourself a good, understanding husband and a couple of close fun and funny friends to see you through this time in your life. You’re gonna need ‘em."

                   -----------------------------------

I'm not even sure how to express my appreciation for these ladies who shared from their heart. It was exactly what I was looking for and blessed me deeply; thank you!

Next up I have a guest post I'm looking forward to sharing with you....

p.s. Now, who wants to talk to me about perimenopause.................?

That Awkward Stage

I'm a little unsure about putting this all out here for the world to read but here we go. I've entered a new phase in life these days - an awkward stage, as the dear old lady I knew growing up used to call that difficult, adolescent stage between child and adult. I no longer have babies - my youngest is four and although he's small for his age and we treat him too much like a baby, he's not one. I don't quite have adult children yet - my oldest is fifteen and while he likes to remind me how many months it is until he starts practicing driving and I see his years of school are dwindling, he's not there yet. All of this goes together to equal an awkward stage and I've been trying for a while now to figure out how to navigate.

I remember years ago when I was maybe 13 or 14. The Mennonite churches in the surrounding area where we lived in Arkansas had, what we called, the Arkansas Fellowship Meetings. Every year, the different churches would gather together for a day of preaching and food and fellowship. Well, that particular year, someone must have gotten creative and they had everyone split into separate groups after lunch. If I remember correctly, my parents were to talk to the men's and lady's groups on the subject of Mid-life Crisis. I'm not sure why that stands out in my memory? Possibly because it was the first time I had heard the term or maybe because my dad made endless wise cracks about things being because of a mid-life crisis; I don't think he felt like he had one at the time!

I think maybe I could benefit from hearing my mom's talk about now.

I keep saying I want to enjoy these years and navigate the changes and the ...uh... aging... gracefully. I keep saying that but I finally asked myself yesterday, so how are you planning to do it? I haven't heard an answer yet.

I understand I am running a great risk putting this all out here. I'm sure I'll hear a lot of, "How old are you? Oh, you're only 38. You aren't even that old! You could have several more children, what are you talking about?" True, I could. And I might, who knows. That doesn't change the fact that my oldest is 15 and my youngest is four right now and life is different. It doesn't change the fact that while I am only 38, time flies. If I don't start figuring out now how I'm going to enjoy each stage and navigate the changes gracefully, chances are it won't happen when I'm in the middle of it.

They say experience is the best teacher. It would be nice sometimes if there were a way to get that experience without actually experiencing the stuff, if you know what I mean? There are plenty of women who have navigated these waters before me - done it well, I might add. How did they do it, I wonder?

How did they make the switch from mother-to-children to mother-to-adult? How did they embrace the wistful sadness of no more little people in the house and, face it, the inevitable reality that their absence means you're getting old? How did they gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am?

I don't know how many women who read my blog fall into the "experience" bracket, I'm guessing there are at least a few. I would so love to learn from your wisdom and experience! Would you share with those of us floundering in the waters of change? I could try to guilt you into it with the whole biblical idea of the older women teaching the younger but I'd much rather just have you share because you want to. If you have anything to share on this subject please email me at christopherbethany@juno.com I would love to compile all your "experience" into another blog post because I know there are plenty of other moms in my shoes.

Please don't be shy! I won't use your names without permission and I won't even share it here if you don't want me to but I would really love to hear from you. Maybe you know someone you would like to hear from on this subject - share this post with them so we can all benefit!

Now I'm gathering my courage, hitting publish and holding my breath. 

When You're Losing Your Mind

I'm not sure whether to show my blushing face or pretend to be oblivious. I just realized I accidentally sent my weekly family email to, not only  my family, but also my blog! I deleted the post but that does nothing for those of you who receive my posts via email.... I guess, like Pollyanna, we can be glad that I am now forced to write a blog post.

Sometimes I fear for my future.

Last Thursday I got a phone call saying I could pick up our monthly treat of three loaves of homemade bread that Chris bought at the school auction. "If you can just stop by after picking up your school children it will be ready for you." Sure, no problem.

At 3:20 my phone chimed and my jaw sagged. I was back home with my children and picking up bread had never once crossed my mind!

Friday and Saturday I went along to the Bible Quiz Retreat. Last year I also went with the Antrim crew and arrived there to discover I had left my pan of dessert at home in our fridge. They didn't give up on me - this year I needed to bring two pans. As I lay in bed Thursday night going over Things To Be Done In The Morning I told Chris, do NOT let me forget that dessert!!

We rushed out the door several minutes late Friday morning with me saying, "I feel like I'm forgetting something" and my children telling me, "You always say that, mom!" We were several minutes down the road when it suddenly clicked in my brain, "We forgot the dessert!!!" At least this time we could go back and get it.

If I'm this bad at 37, what will I be like at 50?! This is why I have an alarm set on my phone to go off every morning reminding me to give Chris his pills. It is also the reason I tell my youngest daughter to remind me about the bag of dresses that has been waiting for a month to be taken along to church. Now, it is also the reason I will be double checking who all my next email is being sent to....

My Two White Hair

I have a white hair; two of them in fact. I've had them for awhile, actually, and I'm kinda proud of them! At this point, they want to hide under all my other hair and no one gets the benefit of seeing them but me. Recently, I was messing with my hair, trying different hairstyles, just for fun, to see if I couldn't show them off somehow. Then, last night when I was getting ready to go away, lo and behold! the one on the left was laying there, all nice and silvery and exposed, so I carefully left it that way. But I don't think anyone noticed the poor little thing. At any rate, they didn't give it the publicity it deserved.

By now you're all wondering if, at worst, I've lost my mind? Or if, at best, this is some kind of a joke?

I'm totally serious. I'm proud of those two little white hairs; I wouldn't pull them out for anything! Come to think of it, I think I can explain why.

As far back as I can remember, my mom had white hair. I can remember when she had some black hair, but I can't remember her having no white hair. My dad, on the other hand, had no white hair for years. As you can imagine, whether joking or serious, they heard lots of comments on that fact. Was he younger than her? Did he do something to his hair? Obviously mom was doing all the work or all the worrying or taking all the responsibility or something!

I remember the big deal daddy would make about every white hair that, finally, showed up on his head. "Don't pull that thing out!" "Don't cover it up!" "Make sure you don't cut that one!" Finally, he would get some credit for his years of labour, now that the white hair were showing up. He was proud of every new one that made it's appearance.

It makes me laugh when I think of it now, but I suppose that has something to do with my view of white hair. I never could understand why people want to pull them out or cover them up or go to the bother of dying them black again. Maybe it's because I always thought my mom's white hair were beautiful or maybe daddy's little jokes really did make me believe finding the first white hair was an experience to be anticipated.

Whatever the case, to me, white hair are a badge of honor to be carried with pride and that's just what I plan to do with the two white ones on my head.....whether anyone else can see them yet or not!

You'll be old before you know it too!

I love being the Mother of little ones. I'm not so crazy about the tiny, newborn stage, but give me 6 or 8 months - preschool age? Love it! I love the sweet, naive, innocence; the wonder and awe of discovering how life works; the unabandoned love and trust; the quick turning from anger to forgiveness; the total lack of self-conciousness and the cute and funny things that constantly come out of their mouths - really, what's not to love?? :)

Oh, I know there's lots of work and messes and naughtiness and constant demands and sickness and discipline and training and interruptions and no time for yourself and then turning around and doing it all over again! But give me a row of little, innocent, trainable people over the tall, maturing, I-have-my-own-opinion people who, let's face it, have to make their own choices and there's really not a whole lot I can do about it when it comes down to it!

I've considered just going on having babies forever so as to always have some of those sweet little people running around (fleeting, pie-in-the-sky consideration!), but it doesn't take much looking around to realize that, at some point, every family has had to leave those days behind. Somewhere along the way, every family has had to go from a row of preschoolers, to a row of teenagers; a row of teenagers, to a row of youth.....

This is where all those wise, helpful people come in who showed up the day your firstborn arrived. The ones who nodded their heads gravely and said those sad, sad words -"They grow up too fast!" "They won't stay little long!" and even better - "They'll be going to school before you know it!!" I never really had much love for those people. I mean, seriously people! I WANT them to grow up! I'm not really into hopping out of bed multiple times a night forever. Not really in the mood to be summoned to the bathroom by little voices yelling "Dooonnne!" for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't mind eating my food in peace at a normal pace again rather then grabbing quick bites between feeding another mouth and cutting up two other people's meat. Really? Why sit around and cry about them going off to school 'before you know it'?? Oh, I'll know it all right!

I think I know the real reason why the thought of going from a house of preschoolers to one of teenagers and so forth makes me panic suddenly and wonder if the "going on having babies" idea is a valid consideration. It's not totally because I realize suddenly that my days of training are pretty much over for this child and what I've done better have been enough. It's not just the seriousness of knowing that I can't make my child's decisions for him anymore, he will have to make his choices. You know what it is? It's the realization that I AM GETTING OLD.

Don't laugh at me! Somebody told me recently "I rather envy you your big, happy family!" and it kinda threw me for a loop. My big (BIG) happy family? BIG?? What does that make me? Not a young, youthful mother that's for sure! And then my daughter wants to learn to cook and sew and ...well... everything, and I know that's good. She should learn, and I should teach her. But suddenly I'm all, "Wait a minute! I LIKE to sew. I don't WANT you to make the pizza crust! What am I gonna be good for anymore anyway?!" I AM GETTING OLD.

Ok, laugh. I know it sounds silly. It IS silly, actually! And I know I'm not old, and I don't even have a teenager in the house yet. But I am getting old - we all are! What does that realization do to you? Do you mind? Are you ok with that idea? I want to be. I don't want to be the mother of the ((ahem)) biiiig family who works herself to death because SHE has to be the one to do it all or it isn't done right. The one who can't see that she's really a bit ridiculous to not sit back and let her growing children take over some things even if she LIKES to do them.

I want to accept the changing stages of life with grace. Usually I think of that statement in the context of grandparents who's children have left the nest. In reality, there's many many stages of life before one gets to that point! I imagine the sooner one figures out the 'with grace' thing, the better! So, instead of being like those wise, helpful people and sighing over how "The children will be taking over and I'll be getting old before I know it!!" I think I'll prop my feet up and just enjoy the fact that I don't have to do everything anymore! :)

A New Stage of Mom

I've been a mother of small children for 11 years. I love small children! To me small children are cute, trusting, loving, impressionable, fun. I'm slowly realizing though that my life is entering a new phase. My husband informed me recently that my name should not be on the dish washing schedule- I should never need to wash the dishes! Oh? Novel idea! Sure enough. I have children quite capable of clearing the table, putting the food away and washing the dishes w/ very little help from mom! I also have children capable of hanging out wash, folding it all, cleaning the bathroom, mixing up baked stuff.... You might say, Think how much easier your life is about to be! True, but you have to realize that I'm not naturally a teacher. It takes thought and effort and being intentional for this stuff to happen. Some days it's nice to say "Here's the recipe, mix up some cookies!" A lot of days that takes too much energy! Yes, it's a new stage of Mom. That being said, I can't say I'm missing after meal clean up! :)