Let Vacation Begin!

It's the last day of school.

I'm sitting here, in my quiet house, savoring the moment. I decided last night already that I will enjoy this last morning of quiet by doing nothing.

I'm actually not dreading summer vacation. I have some years, I'll be honest. This year, I'm not. But I know it will be an adjustment to have more people around every day, so I'm enjoying this quiet while I have it.

Honestly though, my emotions are all over the place this morning.

Just look at that man-child. I am so proud of him. He's grown so much in the past year -- like, literally; it's weird to look at an adult sized person that's your son. But I'm not just talking about on the outside. He's also grown so much on the inside. I see evidence of God at work in his life and that is so thrilling to watch.

And this woman-child? She's amazing. And not just because she makes cool macrome and grows cute succulents and takes on and conquers sourdough. I'm convinced the girl can pretty much do anything she sets her mind to. But that's not all that amazes me. I see Jesus in her life too, and it's so sweet to behold.

So, yes. I'm discovering lately the abundant blessing of watching my children grow up and choose truth. There is no way to describe the deep feelings that stirs in a parent's heart. But people! Look at my babies.....

Chris recovered video clips from an old hard drive and watching them last night just about undid me.

Just look at them playing church...

Chris was giving them flips and the giggles and hilarity were high...

And oh, my heart. I think they were only maybe two and four when I taught them the Bible verses of the wise man and foolish man story along with motions. Their sweet, lisping 

voices are just too much.

So, yes. This growing up business undoes me; the joy and pride and blessing of seeing them mature and the bittersweet ache of days forever gone. Not to mention, who were those young parents and what ever happened to them along the way? I mean, I feel like I'm still that person but looking at those old pictures, I realize I must be somebody much different.....

How this all works I cannot tell you. But now I must go pick up my school children. Let vacation begin!

The Things On My Mind

As of today, Chris and I have 27 hours of Foster Care classes under our belts and 9 more hours to go. My brain is cram jammed full of terms like 'Primary Family', 'Safety Script', 'Arousal Relaxation Cycle', 'Triggers', 'Child Protection Team' and that all inclusive answer to almost every question involving foster care -- 'It Depends'.

I've been keeping kind of quiet about this over here, I admit. It's something that I really never saw coming, to be honest. It's not some dream I/we have always nourished; not some idea we've had for years. It had crossed my mind a time or two, just because there's some people we know who do foster care and the county we live in has a desperate need in that area. But a while back when Chris nonchalantly threw out the idea that maybe we should consider foster care, I think my mouth dropped wide open. It just wasn't something I had ever imagined we would consider.

About a month ago, we attended an information night. It turned out that the meeting they had advertised hard for in order to spread awareness brought in exactly two people: Chris and Bethany Eicher.

We sat there with four members of the Guernsey County Social Services team that night and listened to staggering statistics and heartbreaking scenarios. We heard how the number of children coming into care in our county has more than doubled in the past two years due to the drug abuse going on. The same cannot be said of foster care homes available and you could hear the pain in their voices when they shared the difficulty to find placements and the devastation of needing to separate sibling groups and send children to other counties.

We came away from that meeting a bit overwhelmed and with an even lower sense of feeling qualified for the job. But we also came away with a deep impression of "Why not?"

Do we not feel a call to be the hands and feet of Jesus? Is there not a tremendous need right here before our eyes? Is there any reason to not at least make ourselves available to pursuing this idea? Why not?

And so, we enrolled in Pre-Placement Training and have spent the last three Friday nights and all day Saturdays sitting in a conference room, taking in information. To say the least, it has been stretching. Stretching and eye-opening and quite, quite interesting.

Frankly, I think all parents could learn a thing or two from taking Module VIII: Helping The Child Manage Emotions And Behaviors. It's not just foster kiddos who could benefit from some of this training.

So, now you know what's been consuming my mind lately. I still have lots of questions and feelings about all of this. We're still holding this idea loosely, waiting to see what God has for us; how He will choose to lead. Just because we take classes doesn't guarantee we will ever actually foster children but we're open to that; we're making ourselves available. It's a bit of a struggle for me to consciously keep my hand in the open position.

It's felt a little scary and somewhat unnecessary to put it all out there for everyone to see. A bit like the early weeks of a pregnancy, perhaps, when you're not sure if you want to tell people yet or not? So I haven't talked about it -- which, in turn, has seemed to effectively shut off my ability to talk about anything at all! But I'm kinda tired of hiding over here in my corner. I believe in honesty and openness and I sure would welcome any prayers you feel led to pray on our behalf. We don't know exactly what we're doing in all of this but we're pretty confident God does.

No Greater Joy

Last week my husband was in Arkansas helping one of his buddies with a countertop job. Upon hearing this, a lady at church commented that we'll probably hear about it in a blog post. I confess that I was immediately quite sure she wouldn't. But, here I am, writing some thoughts from last week after all. There is something about having the man of the house gone that makes me think things I wouldn't otherwise.

Here is the startling reality that hit me last week: My children are not merely children anymore. They are quite mature, responsible young adults who have wise, thoughtful ideals that I am proud of. They could now probably take care of me quite capably if the need arose.

Granted, there are plenty of times and situations when they act very much like they are merely children and, for sure, the youngest are just that. It is easy, in the muddle of daily life, to become so focused on the faults and failures that their childishness becomes all that I see. But on a grander scale, my children are so much more than that and they make me quite proud.

It is hard to completely understand the feelings of a parent until you are one yourself. When sitting down to play a game turns into an hour long discussion on church and living out our Christianity, your heart just swells with gratitude. Upon expressing my feelings of pride and appreciation, one of my children questioned, "Why? We haven't done anything!" My response was given with tears in my eyes.

"Yes, you have have done something. I see you wanting to follow God and making good choices; there is nothing that means more to a parent!"

Being a parent is hard, we hear that all the time. We all know that no matter how carefully we do our job, these children ultimately have the freedom to make their own choices. No matter how diligently we tailor our care, somewhere along the line we will hurt these children entrusted to us. No matter how much we pray and lean on God's wisdom, we are not going to get everything right.

My children are not all grown up yet. I don't know all the choices they will make or what the years will bring. But when I stop and take notice, I see the beginnings of good fruit and oh, how it blesses me. 

So, dear Mammas. In the midst of the hardness of parenting, there is hope. Take a moment to pause and look past all the childishness. I'm guessing if you do, you will catch a glimpse of some good fruit, however small it may be. Allow that glimpse to swell your heart with gratitude. And, while you're at it, it might not hurt to share your pride with your children. The shy smiles and bright eyes will do something for both of your hearts.

"I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children are following the truth." 3 John 4 NLT

Thoughts On The Gathered Thoughts

The house is silent; I hear the ticking of the clock - two of them, in fact. There is a large stack of dishes I should be tackling, as well as a messy floor covered with toys. There are two books from the library that will need to be returned shortly without having been read if I don't soon get started. But the house is silent and there is only me in it and it's hard to decide what I should do first? Such is the painful predicament of having a lovely sister-in-law who likes to invite my kiddos over for hotdog roasts and the like and doesn't mind me being lazy and staying home.

The truth is, I really should have assigned a dishwasher and a toy picker upper before everyone left on their jaunt but I was too busy looking forward to the quiet to care. So here I am, twiddling away my time. I am optimistically thinking I can somehow manage to do it all but choosing first to listen to the ticking clock and letting my thoughts ramble on. I'll worry about dishes and messes and supper prep later.

In the silence, I'm asking myself, "What have you learned from this advice gathering experience? Have you figured anything out?"

Thanks to a friend's suggestion, I'm enjoying this collection on my wall.

The trees you see stand strong and tall beside my in-law's house. They were my living room window view for four and a half years. It is the same trees in every picture ---

The thin blue and

 pale, new green of Spring;

The deep blue and

 lush, full green of Summer;

The azure blue and

glorious, rich orange of Autumn;

The cool grey and

majestic silhouette of Winter.

Each season the trees are beautiful and amazing in their own right. Of course, there are things about each season that aren't so nice - Spring's mud and drizzling rain showers; Summer's blazing heat and ensuing drought; Autumn's dying and stripping of leaves; Winter's cold and barren, drab landscape. Still, each picture captures a beauty and significance all it's own.

I'm sure you know where I'm going with all this. It sounds rather cliché and hardly worth mentioning: our lives are like the tree; get it?

Sometimes I think I make life more complicated than necessary. What if it is really as simple as the cliché? I think that is why I loved this simple gem of wisdom so much:
"There are two things about change:

#1. They will happen throughout your entire life.

#2. God will always be with us......I believe He will simply because He always has."

It's really that simple.

Life is full of layers. There are hard things in each season and beautiful things; there are valleys and mountaintops; rivers and deserts. In the midst of it all I desperately need solid truth to keep me on track. There is value in creative disciplines and structure that will provide guidance and tremendous encouragement can be gained through friendly tips and advice from those who have traveled the way before me.

But mostly? Mostly I need the simple gems of truth - the clichés, if you will - that I can cling to and live out of. Every season is beautiful. Every season will change but God is going to be there because He always has been. With that knowledge, I can embrace the present and the changes it may bring. I can realize the joy of whose I am and put my heart into whatever He brings me to do - today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day.

"To everything there is a

Season,

And a time to every purpose

under Heaven."
Eccl 3:1

Gathered Advice: Part 2

As I said in my earlier post, "That Awkward Stage", I'm finding myself in a new stage of life these days. This year my husband turned 40; next year our oldest will be sixteen and the youngest will go off to kindergarten. I've found myself looking back wistfully at the years with my hands full of little people. Life was so simple when you could smooth away all the problems with a rocking chair and a kiss (never mind the mind-numbing lack of sleep in those days and trying to decipher the crying of a fussy baby...) What I've realized, as I shove back the nostalgia and determine to enjoy the present, is that my sadness might be mostly the reality of what being mother to a sixteen year old and my youngest going to school next year makes me. Not old, exactly, but a whole lot old-er than it feels like I should be.


Mid-life crisis is defined as an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age. It is suddenly taking stock of your life and realizing that it may well be half over; what have I accomplished and where am I going from here?

I have found myself asking these questions and facing this reality. My question, then, was how do I do this gracefully? Today I'm sharing with you some excellent advice from ladies who have travelled this road before me.

               ---------------------------------------

"There are two things about change:

#1. They will happen throughout your entire life..

#2. God will always be with us.

I have somewhat of the personality to plunge forward into change with an upward plea, "God, you're gonna have to help me".

I believe He will simply because He always has."

{I can't tell you how much I love this simple piece of advice. Facts are the mooring needed in the middle of change and questions. What better truth to ground me than this?}

"I will jot down some thoughts that come to me, not in any certain order like how important, or anything...and maybe this is not even the kind of thing you were asking for...but here goes:

1. Journaling was/is a lifesaver for me. In problem-solving, not only does it help me to understand what I’m dealing with, but it helps me to organize my options and come to conclusions better. In my spiritual journey, it helps me to process with greater clarity what I am going through at the time and then later helps to strengthen my faith when I can read back over previous victories and evidences of God’s faithfulness. 

2. The daily habit of gratitude has transformed my life, since I started it about six years ago. I try to write down three things a day that I’m grateful for – things I noticed that were outstanding, or ordinary things that I tend to take for granted if I’m not intentional, or difficult things that I am not grateful for at the moment but wish to be soon. This practice has changed my whole outlook on life. In the transition to mom-of-adults, in the changes of our family life, in navigating the onset of menopause...I have been overwhelmed at the steady, faithful, giving nature of God. Sometimes I feel so rich I can hardly stand it.

3. What you said about identity is noteworthy – “How did they gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am?” I would say that the more I learn who I am in Christ, the easier it is to adapt gracefully. If I have my identity and worth so bound up in mothering my children, or in how much I am able to accomplish in physical work, or in my knowledge/intelligence, when my children leave home, or I just can’t work like I used to without getting aches and pains, or I start forgetting things and having mind lapses, I will be devastated. I will feel like I am losing who I am and I won’t know how to cope. The sooner I can learn to live out of the concept of Whose I am rather than who I am, the better.

4. I think it’s a good idea to be informed about what you’re going through. (That’s why I think yours is such a good idea to learn from other women.) If I were to make a list of notes to my younger self, I would include things like “Read up on perimenopause (yes, self, there is such a thing, and it can come before you know it!) and get acquainted with its symptoms”, “Ask that older mom at church what meaningful things she would recommend doing with adult children in the months leading up to their leaving home for the first time (or for good)” and “If you can, discuss your questions about scary topics with a trusted friend because you may be surprised and comforted to know that she snapped at her grown son – over basically nothing – the other day and she lies awake for an hour or two at night even when she didn’t drink any coffee and she sometimes feels despairingly dry toward her husband in bed.”

5. Get yourself a good, understanding husband and a couple of close fun and funny friends to see you through this time in your life. You’re gonna need ‘em."

                   -----------------------------------

I'm not even sure how to express my appreciation for these ladies who shared from their heart. It was exactly what I was looking for and blessed me deeply; thank you!

Next up I have a guest post I'm looking forward to sharing with you....

p.s. Now, who wants to talk to me about perimenopause.................?

That Awkward Stage

I'm a little unsure about putting this all out here for the world to read but here we go. I've entered a new phase in life these days - an awkward stage, as the dear old lady I knew growing up used to call that difficult, adolescent stage between child and adult. I no longer have babies - my youngest is four and although he's small for his age and we treat him too much like a baby, he's not one. I don't quite have adult children yet - my oldest is fifteen and while he likes to remind me how many months it is until he starts practicing driving and I see his years of school are dwindling, he's not there yet. All of this goes together to equal an awkward stage and I've been trying for a while now to figure out how to navigate.

I remember years ago when I was maybe 13 or 14. The Mennonite churches in the surrounding area where we lived in Arkansas had, what we called, the Arkansas Fellowship Meetings. Every year, the different churches would gather together for a day of preaching and food and fellowship. Well, that particular year, someone must have gotten creative and they had everyone split into separate groups after lunch. If I remember correctly, my parents were to talk to the men's and lady's groups on the subject of Mid-life Crisis. I'm not sure why that stands out in my memory? Possibly because it was the first time I had heard the term or maybe because my dad made endless wise cracks about things being because of a mid-life crisis; I don't think he felt like he had one at the time!

I think maybe I could benefit from hearing my mom's talk about now.

I keep saying I want to enjoy these years and navigate the changes and the ...uh... aging... gracefully. I keep saying that but I finally asked myself yesterday, so how are you planning to do it? I haven't heard an answer yet.

I understand I am running a great risk putting this all out here. I'm sure I'll hear a lot of, "How old are you? Oh, you're only 38. You aren't even that old! You could have several more children, what are you talking about?" True, I could. And I might, who knows. That doesn't change the fact that my oldest is 15 and my youngest is four right now and life is different. It doesn't change the fact that while I am only 38, time flies. If I don't start figuring out now how I'm going to enjoy each stage and navigate the changes gracefully, chances are it won't happen when I'm in the middle of it.

They say experience is the best teacher. It would be nice sometimes if there were a way to get that experience without actually experiencing the stuff, if you know what I mean? There are plenty of women who have navigated these waters before me - done it well, I might add. How did they do it, I wonder?

How did they make the switch from mother-to-children to mother-to-adult? How did they embrace the wistful sadness of no more little people in the house and, face it, the inevitable reality that their absence means you're getting old? How did they gracefully adapt to the change of identity that comes with all this change of who I am?

I don't know how many women who read my blog fall into the "experience" bracket, I'm guessing there are at least a few. I would so love to learn from your wisdom and experience! Would you share with those of us floundering in the waters of change? I could try to guilt you into it with the whole biblical idea of the older women teaching the younger but I'd much rather just have you share because you want to. If you have anything to share on this subject please email me at christopherbethany@juno.com I would love to compile all your "experience" into another blog post because I know there are plenty of other moms in my shoes.

Please don't be shy! I won't use your names without permission and I won't even share it here if you don't want me to but I would really love to hear from you. Maybe you know someone you would like to hear from on this subject - share this post with them so we can all benefit!

Now I'm gathering my courage, hitting publish and holding my breath. 

Survive or Thrive

So much pain all around me; so much hard, excruciating pain. I am one little person and right off the top of my head I can think of a whole string of people who are dealing with pain - a freak accident that ended in the death of a loved one; the news of aggressive brain cancer in a father; the death of a mother who suffered from cancer; a tiny foster baby with a loving family hoping to adopt, who's father now wants custody - the list feels endless.

How do you even begin praying for all the pain?

I've had this theme going on here lately of treasuring the moments; of realizing how little time I have with the people I love. All the pain makes me long for the land of rest and that, in turn, makes me long to live life well while I'm here.

How do you make the connection between that longing and the actual nuts and bolts of your life?

Summer vacation has begun. Monday I sat in utter frustration with two of my five, trying unsuccessfully to settle a fuss. I finally lit on this bit of motherly wisdom, "The bottom line is, the two of you don't really care about each other. All you are thinking about is yourselves. I can make the two of you do the 'right thing' but I'm not really fixing the problem."

True. So true, mother. But you want to know the real truth? The real truth is, the mother has the same problem. The mother thinks mostly of herself and wants to just say, "Straighten up and behave!"

This began a battle in my heart. Was I going to think about myself all summer and struggle with lazy, fussing, bored children or was I going to lay down my selfishness and be engaged in teaching and training and learning together. I confess, I kicked pretty hard against the pricks. I hate it when I know in my heart what the solution is but I'd rather try to pretend I need one, ya know?

Tuesday I got a call from the library that a book I had on hold was in, so we did a library run Tuesday afternoon and I came home with this:

I don't read books very often these days. If I get a book, I have no self restraint - I'll stay up into the wee hours, I'll sit and not get my work done, I'll ignore my children... So I just don't get books; pathetic, I know.

It so happened that Tuesday night the two oldest were gone on a school privilege trip and the next two were invited away for the night. This left me with one little boy and one husband and I valiantly kept it to three chapters and went to bed like a good girl. But Wednesday morning? Wednesday morning there was just one little boy and I fed him poptarts and gave him smiles and nods and.... I finished the whole book.

Don't judge me; you would have too. It's just that kind of book! I laughed out loud and I wiped tears. I've always said I love Chip and Joanna because they remind me of us, and they do. And I needed to learn some lessons from Jo.

One of those came to me with a torrent of tears and kleenex when I read how she sat on her couch with it's white slipcover and saw all the little black fingerprints her children had left. I don't have a white couch cover and I'm not trying to keep everything perfect like she was but I needed the epiphany she received when she suddenly asked herself, "Am I going to just survive or am I going to thrive?"

Some of you aren't selfish, like me, and maybe this seems like "duh, hello!" but it came to me like a flash through the tears that this was really my struggle. I could hang on to my selfishness and get through this summer (this life) and survive or I could engage with my children and lay down my selfishness and we could all thrive.

How that should look, I don't have all figured out. I know that it will mean less me time. I know it will mean being more intentional and having some structure. I know it will mean doing the harder things that will reap benefits in the long run. I'm not sharing this because I have it all figured out; I'm sharing it because I need it. I need to admit my problem and I need to figure out how to make that connection between the longing and working it out in the nuts and bolts of my life. Sometimes, for me, putting it in writing is the first step.

Babies

Don't let the title excite you too much.

I'm "rewarding" myself

for crossing things off 

my list all day

by sitting down 

and doing something fun.

Recently a blogger friend posted 

baby pics of her children

and it inspired me to 

look back and do the same.

Mine are poor quality

phone pictures of pictures

but I decided not to care

because it was fun looking back

and comparing 

and remembering.

When did those baby days 

turn into these big people

in my house days??

Let's go on before I need to

 search for kleenex....

Here are the boys,

on their first Sundays

of going to church

Isaac

Charles

Here are the girls,

all wearing the same dress

for their two month pictures

Jasmine

Jennifer

Lillian

And here is

every last one of them

wearing the same sleeper!

Isaac

Jasmine

Jennifer

Lillian

Charles

Okay, back to the present

 and the work at hand.

 All these big people, with their stories and backpacks and hungry stomachs will need to be picked up

 from school soon....

"It is Good"

   "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells toll; it tolls for thee."

                             -- John Donne

You readers are special to me.

Did you know?

You are a

'piece of my continent'.

You have laughed with me,

cried with me,

encouraged me,

disagreed with me,

prayed for me,

advised me,

and taught me many things.

Some of you have taken the time to leave me comments or write me emails;

You have blessed me.

Some of you have come to me in person 

and said things like,

 "I love reading your blog!"

I always squirm and blush 

and don't know what to say,

but you have blessed me too!

Saturday was a beautiful, special day.

Your prayers were a part of that,
and I thank you.

Yes, there were emotions
of every kind.

But at the end of the day,
my heart felt happy
and I could say with sincerity,
"It is good."

I think they agree with me! 😊

Back To School

I don't think it has soaked into my brain yet that today was the first day of school. Feels totally unreal that this morning began an endless row of mornings prodding people to get up and get dressed and get their breakfast eaten and combing hair and tying shoes and making lunches and getting everyone out the door on time with no forgotten items left in our wake.

I enter this school year with a strange mixture of feelings. On the one hand I dread the adjustment. I wish I could fast forward two weeks to the time when early bed times are the norm and packing lunches has become routine and the morning schedule has fallen into somewhat of an orderly fashion. On the other hand I have this exhilerating feeling of "Yes! They're all going out the door and I'll have all these hours to do things!!"

It's a strange feeling to have only a two year old at home when you're used to five children and their noise and drama taking up every minute of every day. It's been a good summer, but sometimes the close quarters and the constant chaos leaves me feeling so used up that I almost forget that I *like* these people and enjoy spending time with them!

I remember when I was young and my mom would be getting ready to go away for the day and we were supposed to clean the house or whatever jobs she had assigned us to do while she was gone. We would putter around just waiting for her to head out the door, minds racing with all the things we planned to do as soon as she left. We could hardly wait for her to drive out the lane so we could dive into the work and maybe surprise her with some extra project she hadn't even told us to do.

That's how I feel about school starting this year.

I hope there are some more moms out there who understand what I am feeling. I must admit I feel a bit guilty putting my feelings out there. Like I should be sitting at home with kleenx in hand, thinking how sad it is to have only one who's not in school! It is kinda sad, don't get me wrong. And next week I'll probably be wishing for somebody to entertain the little guy so I can get something done or wishing somebody was around to wash the stack of dishes and run out and bring clothes in off the line. Right now though, I'll just be honest, I can't wait til they get out that door to see what all I can do with all those quiet hours of not settling fusses or answering questions or giving instructions! Come 3:00 I'll be eager to welcome the noise back to my world; to listen to their stories and hear what they learned and remember that, "Ahh, yes. I do like these people!"

"Getting Used"

I'm sitting *alone* on the porch of the lovely, old farmhouse where Jasmine has her piano lesson. It's a beautiful summer evening and my soul feels like it's taking deep, relaxing breaths while I listen with one ear to Jasmine stumbling through "The Lily of the Valley" for the first time and to the peaceful sound of birds chirping with the other. Life has been too busy for very many deep, relaxing breaths lately.

I tried not to dread the new schedule that school would bring, but I have to admit, I dreaded it. It's good for us to have more structure and the children were ready, ready for school to start, it's me who was dragging their feet! So, here we go. Earlier bed times to strive for, earlier mornings that mom MUST get up to or disaster will happen ....not my favorite thing at.all. :/

My days have suddenly changed to 2 little people at my house! This means no slipping out the door to hang laundry, etc alone, no going to the bathroom without being noticed -- "Mom, where are you going? Are you just going potty or...??" anxious voice outside the door "Mom, mom! Are you coming out soon??" *sigh* It also means that I get called away from my business umpteen times a day....excuse me, minute....by an urgent little voice saying, "Mom, mom! Did you see what I made mom?" Stop. Take a look. Resume work. "Now I'm making a bump in the road mom, see mom?" Get back to what I was doing. "Look mom. This is the train station. Did you see mom?" And so forth.....

I'd forgotten what it's like to not have someone around to send the little people outside with! Now it's me or stay in the house. I'd also forgotten what it's like to try to put the baby down for a nap with someone around who doesn't want you to leave the room for a minute (much less 15) "I wanna lay with you, mom." Wiggle, whisper, sit up, cough, sniff..... Ok!! Call it off. I'll rock the baby today and deal with it tomorrow. This is not working!

It's actually not really all bad, it's just "getting used" as the Indians in Crique Sarco, Belize used to say. Two weeks from now we'll have our routine and I'll have forgotten how strange it seems to have only 2 children around instead of 5. Hopefully the earlier nights and mornings will be coming more easily and maybe one little lady won't be quite so paranoid about being left alone for 2 minutes, who knows. We just need to "get used"! :)

Jennifer Quote: last Saturday we drove by a big grave yard and Chris said, "Look at all those dead people." Jennifer spoke up in awed tones, "Ooooh my goodness! That church must not have very many people left!!"

You'll be old before you know it too!

I love being the Mother of little ones. I'm not so crazy about the tiny, newborn stage, but give me 6 or 8 months - preschool age? Love it! I love the sweet, naive, innocence; the wonder and awe of discovering how life works; the unabandoned love and trust; the quick turning from anger to forgiveness; the total lack of self-conciousness and the cute and funny things that constantly come out of their mouths - really, what's not to love?? :)

Oh, I know there's lots of work and messes and naughtiness and constant demands and sickness and discipline and training and interruptions and no time for yourself and then turning around and doing it all over again! But give me a row of little, innocent, trainable people over the tall, maturing, I-have-my-own-opinion people who, let's face it, have to make their own choices and there's really not a whole lot I can do about it when it comes down to it!

I've considered just going on having babies forever so as to always have some of those sweet little people running around (fleeting, pie-in-the-sky consideration!), but it doesn't take much looking around to realize that, at some point, every family has had to leave those days behind. Somewhere along the way, every family has had to go from a row of preschoolers, to a row of teenagers; a row of teenagers, to a row of youth.....

This is where all those wise, helpful people come in who showed up the day your firstborn arrived. The ones who nodded their heads gravely and said those sad, sad words -"They grow up too fast!" "They won't stay little long!" and even better - "They'll be going to school before you know it!!" I never really had much love for those people. I mean, seriously people! I WANT them to grow up! I'm not really into hopping out of bed multiple times a night forever. Not really in the mood to be summoned to the bathroom by little voices yelling "Dooonnne!" for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't mind eating my food in peace at a normal pace again rather then grabbing quick bites between feeding another mouth and cutting up two other people's meat. Really? Why sit around and cry about them going off to school 'before you know it'?? Oh, I'll know it all right!

I think I know the real reason why the thought of going from a house of preschoolers to one of teenagers and so forth makes me panic suddenly and wonder if the "going on having babies" idea is a valid consideration. It's not totally because I realize suddenly that my days of training are pretty much over for this child and what I've done better have been enough. It's not just the seriousness of knowing that I can't make my child's decisions for him anymore, he will have to make his choices. You know what it is? It's the realization that I AM GETTING OLD.

Don't laugh at me! Somebody told me recently "I rather envy you your big, happy family!" and it kinda threw me for a loop. My big (BIG) happy family? BIG?? What does that make me? Not a young, youthful mother that's for sure! And then my daughter wants to learn to cook and sew and ...well... everything, and I know that's good. She should learn, and I should teach her. But suddenly I'm all, "Wait a minute! I LIKE to sew. I don't WANT you to make the pizza crust! What am I gonna be good for anymore anyway?!" I AM GETTING OLD.

Ok, laugh. I know it sounds silly. It IS silly, actually! And I know I'm not old, and I don't even have a teenager in the house yet. But I am getting old - we all are! What does that realization do to you? Do you mind? Are you ok with that idea? I want to be. I don't want to be the mother of the ((ahem)) biiiig family who works herself to death because SHE has to be the one to do it all or it isn't done right. The one who can't see that she's really a bit ridiculous to not sit back and let her growing children take over some things even if she LIKES to do them.

I want to accept the changing stages of life with grace. Usually I think of that statement in the context of grandparents who's children have left the nest. In reality, there's many many stages of life before one gets to that point! I imagine the sooner one figures out the 'with grace' thing, the better! So, instead of being like those wise, helpful people and sighing over how "The children will be taking over and I'll be getting old before I know it!!" I think I'll prop my feet up and just enjoy the fact that I don't have to do everything anymore! :)

On Doors Closed to the Past, and Doors Open to the Future

I was born and raised in Arkansas. Save for a short, 13 month stint at a children's home in VA, I've never lived anywhere else. We Southerners have always been a little too proud of our "southern-ness", and I was....am....no exception! As a child, we always had this special verse we added to the song "This Little Light of Mine" it went like this, "Shine all over Arkansas, I'm gonna let it shine..." I was always rather proud of that verse.

Almost 3 years ago, our little family packed up all our earthly belongings and moved North. After 10 years of submerging my long-suffering husband in the wonderfulness of my home state, the time had come for me to have the tables turned. The other week, my little girls were playing, and the song they were lustily singing suddenly caught my attention - "Shine all over Antrim, I'm gonna let it shine..." Something seemed to hit me in the pit of my stomach! Oh yeah. We really aren't from Arkansas. Most of my children won't even remember being from Arkansas! Ouch.

This morning, I'm feeling that same feeling again. This morning, I will become a member of the Antrim Mennonite Church. It's time, it's necessary, and I'm totally on board with it, but it feels final, like the last nail pounded into the door on the past.

I know in my heart that final nails pounded into doors of the past only means there's a new door open wide to the future, a door God is holding open just for me. So, I'll allow a few tears this morning. I'll allow some sadness for what was, and what might have been. And then I'll dry my tears, hang a pretty wreath on the closed door, and live in the present.

Startling Reality

Sometimes I get this startling reality check! It happened last week end when we visited my family in AR. It still feels so strange to be an over night visitor in the house I called home all my life! The startling thing though, was realizing suddenly that for my children, being there is the same as my memories of Grandpa Gingeriches. We often stayed at Grandpas when we visited IN. I can picture their house clearly - feel the feeling of arriving after traveling all day. I can picture the toys and taste the chili soup. I can feel the bedspreads and the quiet cleanness of each room. I can hear Grandpa asking a question and listening carefully because his hearing required hearing aids. I can see Grandma sitting quietly in her rocker. Sometimes it still startles me that I'm the Mom in this equation now, and it's my children memorizing the sights, smells and feeling of Grandpa's! There's a pang of sadness at the reality of Change, but there's a warmth in knowing my children's memories will be as sweet as mine!

On Adjusting

I don't get the "how are you adjusting" questions nearly as often as I used to. That suits me fine! I don't know what to say anyway. What does adjusted mean anyhow? If you're talking about whether my children are excited about school and love their friends here, then Yes! Well adjusted. If you're talking about feeling at ease going to events like, oh-church house cleaning for example, then No. Not at all. I get weary of these conflicting "Oh, that was a good evening!"/"Ugh, let's leave right away!" feelings. Then I hear people say "I really felt like 5 years was a turning point for me" or "Oh, it was 10 years at least before I really felt at home!" and I wonder why I even bother?! True, I suppose there are things that can be done to move the adjusting process along. But there is a certain part of "adjusting" that can't be moved along by outward forces. There's a part of it that just happens over the course of time. Maybe it's better to just let yourself be adjusted slowly than to figure out what it means!

A New Stage of Mom

I've been a mother of small children for 11 years. I love small children! To me small children are cute, trusting, loving, impressionable, fun. I'm slowly realizing though that my life is entering a new phase. My husband informed me recently that my name should not be on the dish washing schedule- I should never need to wash the dishes! Oh? Novel idea! Sure enough. I have children quite capable of clearing the table, putting the food away and washing the dishes w/ very little help from mom! I also have children capable of hanging out wash, folding it all, cleaning the bathroom, mixing up baked stuff.... You might say, Think how much easier your life is about to be! True, but you have to realize that I'm not naturally a teacher. It takes thought and effort and being intentional for this stuff to happen. Some days it's nice to say "Here's the recipe, mix up some cookies!" A lot of days that takes too much energy! Yes, it's a new stage of Mom. That being said, I can't say I'm missing after meal clean up! :)

"I shall take a brace. And if I can't look cheerful, I shall look as c heerful as I can!" (Susan in Rilla of Ingleside) :)

Ever look around at your life suddenly and say "Yikes! How did I get here?!?" There's something about your oldest turning 10 and finding out you're expecting your 5th (5th!) that does that, at least to me! Somehow the sound of that doesn't match who I think I am. I'm supposed to be young married, the mother of toddlers and just hold on, how did I get here? What if I don't wanna be here?? People w/ 10 yr olds expecting their 5th (5th!) are supposed to be sensible, staid, getting-on-toward-middle-age folks. The ones who look at youth sagely and don't think a volleyball game would be a fun evening activity. The moms w/ slightly messy hair and a patient smile, the dads who used to be great ball players but would now just as soon prop their feet up w/ a newspaper. I'll admit I've felt a little sad and rebellious and a lot like digging in my heels and demanding a rewind. I'm not really sure what I think that will accomplish! Life will go on...and on...and if this is who I am than I better be it the best way!

The Secret's Revealed

I'm not sure what the blogging dry spell is all about. It's probably partly a change in circumstances. I have a house to take care of now instead of way too much time on my hands to think and write! It's also probably partly because, face it, when life feels the most difficult is often when we find ourselves leaning the hardest and finding the most inspiration from God. Not that life is all easy street these days, but having our own space diminished a lot of stress. Still, it's more than that and there's a simple explanation. See, about 6 weeks ago I suddenly became a different version of myself. It started slowly and painlessly and gradually increased in an alarmingly downward spiral. I became a tired, unmotivated version. A lay on the couch all afternoon and drag myself off to do essentials version. A white crackers for snacks and "Honey I *need* some cottage cheese could you please bring some home?" version. Yes, this might explain the lack of blogging inspiration. You see, we are expecting baby #5!

We're In Our House!!!!!!!!

It's late and I am oh, so tired, but I've been silent almost longer then I can stand! It all comes of trying to surprise family members who may or may not read your blog posts... We spent the first night in our little "Shack by the Road" last night! It's not done and there's a tremendous amount of work to be done before everything's squared away...but we're in, and it's just US! Well, actually, it's not. My sister, Kristine, is here right now. Her coming pushed us to get in and many kind and thoughtful friends and family lent time and resources to make it possible! Someday maybe I can tell the whole story. It's been pretty amazing around here lately!! You know what else is amazing? Exactly 1 year ago this week is when we moved to Ohio. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the same person that climbed in that van and drove the whole way to Ohio last year?! It's been a year with many ups and a whole lot of downs and more stretching and teaching then I knew was possible...but I had better quit and enjoy some sleep! :)