Four Years

Four years ago today I was finishing up last minute details. I was going to bed with a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart. I was facing a very unknown future with a lot of fear and a tiny thread of faith. In the morning, we were moving to Ohio.

Sometimes I wonder if this can possibly be the same person who said those goodbyes and packed up those belongings and wondered if God knew what He was doing.

Four years later, I would have to say, "Yes. God knew what He was doing."

Four years. It seems like much, much longer. I look at my children and it's hard to remember how young they were! My 11 year old, who is nearly as tall as me, is this the same child who cried heartbrokenly at the thought of leaving all her friends and going to a new school? My soon-to-be first grader, is this the same baby who I laid in her crib for the last time and wiped away tears at the thought that she had no idea what we were doing? This growing little second grader the same child who declared with sobs, "But I don't want new friends in Ohio!"?

God is good. I knew it then; I know it now.

It is good to look back and see how God's bridges have held. Held through change and uncertainty; held through hard days and stretching circumstances. "In memory, the shape of God's yesterday-heart emerges and assures of God's now-heart and reassures of His sure beat tomorrow." ~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Sometimes, in the middle of the darkness, it's hard to tell whether God's bridges are holding or not? Sometimes they sway and crack and I wonder if my next step will find any bridge beneath it or whether I'll be plunged into the dreadful unknown below. Sometimes doubt obscures the steady, solid bridge my Father is urging me onto. I feel like a tight rope walker, with no railing and no sure place to set my feet.

Pausing from the safety of today to look back and see that, yes. His bridges have held, sure and true. And allowing that knowledge to up my confidence in the bridge builder and His course for the next four years!

On Doors Closed to the Past, and Doors Open to the Future

I was born and raised in Arkansas. Save for a short, 13 month stint at a children's home in VA, I've never lived anywhere else. We Southerners have always been a little too proud of our "southern-ness", and I was....am....no exception! As a child, we always had this special verse we added to the song "This Little Light of Mine" it went like this, "Shine all over Arkansas, I'm gonna let it shine..." I was always rather proud of that verse.

Almost 3 years ago, our little family packed up all our earthly belongings and moved North. After 10 years of submerging my long-suffering husband in the wonderfulness of my home state, the time had come for me to have the tables turned. The other week, my little girls were playing, and the song they were lustily singing suddenly caught my attention - "Shine all over Antrim, I'm gonna let it shine..." Something seemed to hit me in the pit of my stomach! Oh yeah. We really aren't from Arkansas. Most of my children won't even remember being from Arkansas! Ouch.

This morning, I'm feeling that same feeling again. This morning, I will become a member of the Antrim Mennonite Church. It's time, it's necessary, and I'm totally on board with it, but it feels final, like the last nail pounded into the door on the past.

I know in my heart that final nails pounded into doors of the past only means there's a new door open wide to the future, a door God is holding open just for me. So, I'll allow a few tears this morning. I'll allow some sadness for what was, and what might have been. And then I'll dry my tears, hang a pretty wreath on the closed door, and live in the present.

On Adjusting

I don't get the "how are you adjusting" questions nearly as often as I used to. That suits me fine! I don't know what to say anyway. What does adjusted mean anyhow? If you're talking about whether my children are excited about school and love their friends here, then Yes! Well adjusted. If you're talking about feeling at ease going to events like, oh-church house cleaning for example, then No. Not at all. I get weary of these conflicting "Oh, that was a good evening!"/"Ugh, let's leave right away!" feelings. Then I hear people say "I really felt like 5 years was a turning point for me" or "Oh, it was 10 years at least before I really felt at home!" and I wonder why I even bother?! True, I suppose there are things that can be done to move the adjusting process along. But there is a certain part of "adjusting" that can't be moved along by outward forces. There's a part of it that just happens over the course of time. Maybe it's better to just let yourself be adjusted slowly than to figure out what it means!

Two Years

Two years ago we left Arkansas for Ohio. We left part of our hearts, most of our belongings, and quite a few wet kleenx in our wake! We went not knowing exactly what was before us (good thing!) but feeling pretty certain that this was the door God had opened. I struggled a lot with the whole thing mostly because I couldn't understand why God wanted us to move to a big, Beachy-land USA church. Two years later our belongings are here, the kleenx are dry in the box, our hearts are *mostly* here :) and I still don't understand! Several weeks ago we were sitting in church singing and the words suddenly hit me like a punch in the stomach: "I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord..." My eyes opened wide and then filled with tears! A big Beachy-land USA church is not what I've taken that song to mean but in all honesty that is what it means for me. It doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or looks like I think it should. What matters is whether He said Go and I went!

We're In Our House!!!!!!!!

It's late and I am oh, so tired, but I've been silent almost longer then I can stand! It all comes of trying to surprise family members who may or may not read your blog posts... We spent the first night in our little "Shack by the Road" last night! It's not done and there's a tremendous amount of work to be done before everything's squared away...but we're in, and it's just US! Well, actually, it's not. My sister, Kristine, is here right now. Her coming pushed us to get in and many kind and thoughtful friends and family lent time and resources to make it possible! Someday maybe I can tell the whole story. It's been pretty amazing around here lately!! You know what else is amazing? Exactly 1 year ago this week is when we moved to Ohio. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the same person that climbed in that van and drove the whole way to Ohio last year?! It's been a year with many ups and a whole lot of downs and more stretching and teaching then I knew was possible...but I had better quit and enjoy some sleep! :)

All I know is, she went!

It's a new day, a new week, a new chapter before me. When I open a good book and turn to the first chapter it's always exciting! I wonder, what's gonna happen next? And quickly devour chapter after chapter! I've been thinking about Abraham's wife lately. I really wonder how Sara was feeling when they "Went out, not knowing whither they went"? I wonder if she was anything like me? Did she struggle to hide her tears from her children as they left all that was familiar? Did she feel like she was drowning in an ocean wondering how in the world this would all work out? Did she long to stand behind her husband and yet want to run as far and fast as possible at the same time? The Bible doesn't say. All we know is that she went with Abraham. I wonder what people will say looking back at me? "Oh she reeeaally had a hard time adjusting!" "Poor thing, that was really hard on her!" Imagine if years from now they would say, "Chris' wife? Weeelll, I don't really know how it was. All I know is she went!" Hello Chapter 1!

A mom's heart

When my first child was born I can't honestly say there was an "instant bonding" or "indescribable love". I struggled a lot with feeling detatched and just not like I thought a mom should feel! I'm still kinda that way although over the years my "mom instincts" have kicked in. Right now is one of those times when I realize my "mom-ness" is very much alive. If there's anything about this move that I'd like to erase, it's the heartache of my children. It's hard on a mom's heart to see her 7 year old cry and struggle to understand and accept. To see realization finally dawn in her 3 year old and then the tears and "But I don't WANT friends in Ohio!" To lay her youngest down for the last night and know that this little lady has no idea she'll be in a different bed tomorrow night... Guess what? If I really want my children to adjust to these changes happily, it's on me...hard swallow.... Ok God! Let's rally! Good bye house! Good bye all our stuff! We'll be back in three weeks to pack you up! We can do this!!

Every moment is a gift

All is Grace. Any idea what that means? It's more than my mind can fully comprehend that is certain, but this morning the picture broke through to my heart. I saw my Father up in Heaven delivering gifts to me daily, hourly, moment by moment. They are gifts of grace. He is waiting. Longing for me to see them for what they are. Instead I see the hard, the sad, the scary-a move that I don't want to make, good byes that I don't want to say, a chapter I don't want to close-you fill in the blank. Chris and I were talking the other day. His view on life is to focus on the good things. Yes, acknowledge the bad, but focus on the good. It's always there! And the more you look at it the more there is. Then this morning I read "Open your hand so you can open your heart. Every moment is a gift!" And suddenly it dawned! "All is grace" goes over my earthy mind to tell you the truth. But coupled with Chris' outlook on life I suddenly saw the down to earthness of it! Oh to learn the ability to view every moment as a gift!

In the midst of "messy"

My mind feels as messy as my house right now -toys and books scattered, empty bookshelves and half emptied cupboards, a stack of boxes in a corner.... Yet it's quiet. The washer is humming and children are napping, reading, playing happily. My mind feels much the same - questions and feelings scattered around, emptied sadness and half emptied tears, a stack of things I need to do but where should I start? And yet it's quiet. Underneath there is peace. It's easy to miss among the scattered bits and pieces of normal life right now. Yet I know it's there and because of it I can carry on, straighten up the scattered stuff and add to the stack marked "done". Still, the feeling of messiness is there and it would seem so nice to forward to that distant place called "settled in the new"! But then, the rainbow comes a.f.t.e.r the rain, and the sunrise a.f.t.e.r the night. Healing a.f.t.e.r pain and victory a.f.t.e.r the fight. So, for now I'll live in the mess, look for the peace and try to decide what to do next!

It's Just A Building

I'm looking at this house, our house....the one I thought Chris was crazy for buying at an auction. The one we put pencil to paper and drew out. The one we measured out each room carefully for. The one Chris worked himself ragged to pay for and get finished. The one we worked together to paint, furnish, fill, and turn into a home. This place that we invested sweat and tears in will be our home for less then three more weeks. In the next days we will take it apart and turn it from a home back into a house. The unfinished projects which we've been dreaming for four years would get done "someday" .... will stay unfinished. There's a knot in my throat and tears on my cheeks. Yet i know it's only a building. A building with many many memories, dreams and hopes, yes. But "just" a building nevertheless. I know there will be more buildings, more hopes and dreams. May the memory of this one inspire more, not less, as I close this chapter and open the next. ...Bethany