I Still Believe

Happy New Year!

How can it possibly have been a whole 365 days since I wrote this post?? I have no idea. Then again, it's completely bizarre to remember that this time last year we were homeschooling! That all seems like a long ago dream. I am sure the thing that will forever stand out in our memories of 2021, will be our three week trip out west. Hands down, the best part of our year. 

For me personally, in many ways this year feels like it has been one long pause of nothing. So much silence; so much stillness; so much waiting -- so much just holding space. 

This year, I have questioned my faith like I probably never have before. There have been times this year when I truly wondered if everything I have ever been taught about Christianity was wrong. I have wondered if I am even a Christian at all. God has seemed very, very silent. 

I wrote, in my last post, how a friend reminded me of the sermon Chained to the Chariot by Ron Dunn. I listened to it and cried. These were the lines that undid me (not verbatim, but roughly): 

"I talk to you, after you've been to the doctor and received the bad news, and I ask you, do you still believe? And you say, yes. 

That's victory.

After the surgery, I talk to you again. You tell me you don't have long to live, and I ask you, do you still believe? And you say, yes. I still believe. 

That's victory. 

Then I stand by your grave, and I turn to your wife and I ask, do you still believe? And she smiles at me and says, yes. I still believe. 

That's victory."

The tears came, because that question -- "Do you still believe?" The answer is yes. And there has been a tremendous amount of relief in that. Relief to realize that underneath all the confusion and silence and not understanding, I do still believe. Relief to realize that believing is really all that Jesus is asking of me in the first place. Relief to realize that just maybe, actually, that is enough. 

It's a little discouraging to look back at last year's post and to feel, in so many ways, like I'm in the same, disjointed place that I was a year ago. There are still a lot of things I don't understand, a lot of things that don't make sense, a lot of unanswered questions and uncertainty. 

But at the beginning of this new year, I still believe. 

And that is victory. 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I still remember you...

I remember you when I sit with Charles and read Henry's Red Sea. I remember how we had recordings of Peter Dyck talking about the stories in his book Up From the Rubble, and how you had many copies made of our cassettes to give to other people. I wonder what happened to them. 

Hadn't thought of this book in years. 

It's a good one!

I remember you when I have sick children and I suggest gargling salt water and guzzling EmergenC and applying cool wash cloths. I also remember that you didn't have Google; how did you manage?

I remember you when I'm addressing envelopes and adding notes to form letters with Christmas mail. I remember how you always said your goal was to have your Christmas cards in the mail by your birthday. 

I remember you when I have the urge to give someone an encouraging note or a bit of homemade granola or cookies. You were so good at that kind of thing. Too often I pass the urge off and never get the deed done; I want to be more like you. 

I remember you when a friend posts the link to a sermon by Ron Dunn titled Chained to the Chariot. This was another one of your favorites that got made into many copies to share with friends. Just seeing that title brings multiple lines from the sermon to my memory. (Go listen to it, it's good.)

I remember you when one of my children asks for sausage balls, so we mix them and squeeze them into shape. I hadn't made them in ages but they were one of your favorite things to make ahead and stick in the freezer. (Freeze them on a cookie sheet; throw them in a ziploc bag once they're frozen, then take out as many as you need to bake fresh and enjoy!)

I remember you often, but especially today: December 13; your birthday. 

Missing you always and thankful for memories...... Love, Bethany 

A Bit of Mindless Chatter

 

After a long holiday weekend, I spent the morning putting my house back together. Now, I'm sitting down to enjoy the lovely, clean space and the gorgeous sunshine and I thought I might chat with you a bit. We woke up to a dusting of snow this morning, but it has all disappeared and the sun is shining cheerily. Winter in Ohio is often very grey, so I drink up these kind of days! 

We had a quiet Thanksgiving. Chris's folks joined us for lunch and the afternoon. 

Charles went home with grandpa's for the night and spent the day there Friday, while the rest of us helped with the Tire Shop's biggest day of the year. Every year, they do a Black Friday sale and have a contest between their company's stores. Chris and his salesman are quite the competitive team, and this year their hard work paid off with more sales than they've ever made before! Friday was a once in a lifetime adventure and a lot of hard work. It included a ton of organization ahead of time and the willingness to crawl out of bed at 3 a.m. 

Rows of tires, ready to go, lined up by order of appointments...

The girls and I joined the force at 8. Jasmine worked in the bay (and had the black hands and clothes at the end of the day to prove it), Jennifer took care of the snack table, I helped in the office checking in customers who had appointments (with my trusty little cheat sheet of questions), and Lillian ran errands and took videos. They put on a whopping 207 tires on Friday (as opposed to 55 on an average day), besides selling 157 tires that will be put on at a later date. 

I am not a competitive person by nature, and will never quite understand the thrill some people get out of this kind of thing, but it was fun to be a part of the big day. I also think it might be a good idea for every wife to take a front row seat in their husband's world for a day. Friday certainly gave me a new appreciation for what Chris does on a daily basis!

The rest of the weekend was much more chill, with no big plans and lots of games, naps and relaxation. 

It's hard to believe tomorrow is December, with all the flurry of Christmas and it's activities right around the corner. Somehow it doesn't seem so very long ago that we were nearing the end of 2020 and now here we are already, a whole year later. 

The sun streaming through the windows is warming my toes. I have laundry to take care of and lunch to eat and an afternoon to do list to tackle. I'll end this mindless chatter with a few links to things either my children or I have been enjoying...

Me: Growing up, we often had music playing in our house. Since I'm home alone a lot, I find myself getting back into that habit and I love it. As you know, I have an endless supply of old cassettes for entertainment but I've been enjoying the music from Sounds Like Reign and also piano playlists from Kaleb Brasee. 

My Children: These are a few videos my children have watched and enjoyed over and over The Great Children's Bake Off (The Gesslers are a great, family friendly YouTube channel!) 

Mark Rober is another fantastic YouTube channel. His mind is a wealth of scientific information and his creativity is unbelievable. He has lots of fascinating videos but these are some favorites -- Squirrel Maze 1.0 and Squirrel Maze 2.0 and also World's Largest Jello Pool. 

And now I must stop. 

Happy post-Thanksgiving Tuesday to you all!

Oh Hi, It's Me

 Oh hi, it's me. 

What? You mean you don't eat chai tea and plain pie crust for lunch? Well, here's a news flash: there's probably a lot of other things you don't know about me too.

Like the fact that cooking large amounts of food terrifies me but somehow making pies is no big deal. When I got married, I knew embarrassingly little about cooking but for whatever reason, I knew how to make pie crust. 

Also, the fact that this picture, taken this very week, is basically my life in a nutshell. I can be super productive and knock out a whole list of work if I need to, but little things like bringing the hummingbird feeder in at the end of the season? I put those things off until kingdom come. 

Another fact? I value authenticity to a fault. But also, I am a peace keeper who doesn't ever want to make anybody feel bad. Hmm. Is it any wonder I struggle with relationships?

Strange fact: I follow people on Instagram who I don't know in real life but I rarely, if ever, like or comment on their posts. I don't know why either. 

Fun fact: I still basically use the same dress pattern that I had when I got married (plus an inch or so at the waist). No credit to me, honestly. It's called getting my father's genes, I believe. 

I like this man.

And these children. 

Just thought I'd  throw that in there. 

Random fact: Growing up, if we deep cleaned a room in our house, we rearranged it. I still tend to do that. 

At forty-two, I still do silly things like change my dress and sweater three times before going on an outing or go into great angst on Sunday morning about how short boots and leggings look with a skirt. I know. Y'all never thought I was that ridiculous, but there it is. 

Also. At forty-two, I feel like I know less about God and Faith and Christianity than I ever have in my life. It's not a comfortable place to live in but that is the one thing I have learned: God is not all that concerned about my comfort. 

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I haven't been writing, because I haven't had words (also, that last fact in the list there...) Tell me what you'd like to hear, and I might get inspired. Maybe. Ask me questions in the comments or throw out your ideas, it might be interesting! My email is christopherbethany@juno.com if you'd rather message me that way. 

PS. If you're dying to know more things about me, I wrote a post once called "39 Things". Those are all still true. 

My Father's Touch 2.0

My soul feels cluttered these days. There are no words for the heartache of this wide world that I live in. And in my own, narrow world? No words for the muddle of questions and wrestlings and feelings that take up all the space in my brain. 

And so, today on my way home from town, I intentionally turned left at the stop sign instead of right. I took the path less traveled, and I stepped outside. I took the time once again to pause and look for beauty. And when I opened my eyes to actually see.... there it was:

A splash of yellow here...

Abandoned buckeyes there...

Crimson bittersweet vine climbing high...

Why, hello there Woolly Worm!

Hint of orange in the green...

Clusters of blue...

Leftovers from the squirrels...

Hint of pink and purple...

Spot of red....

In the process, somehow the clutter in my soul cleared a little. 

I accepted again my place in the story and felt down deep the presence of God. I acknowledged once again that people are people, and that we're all here (mostly) trying to do the right thing. I spoke to myself the truth, that one can judge right and wrong without judging the humans involved; that, indeed, it is necessary. 

Then I went home and put my groceries away and ate cottage cheese with salt and pepper on saltines. I cleaned out my fridge and washed the nasty dishes and swept the gritty floor. I breathed in deep and promised myself that I would remember to open my eyes wide more often.

Maybe you should too?

Untitled

I'm laying on the recliner in my quiet house this morning, listening to the clock tick, and trying to untangle all the thoughts and feelings of the past 7+ days. The suitcases have all been unpacked and put away, the laundry washed and folded, but my mind keeps replaying and rehashing a myriad of thoughts and feelings and experiences. The short version is that my sister got married last Friday, and my girls and I spent the week before the wedding in Arkansas, helping get things ready. The long version is much more nuanced and layered with feelings and emotions, half of which aren't mine to share and the other half of which are rather sacred and personal. 

Rachel is the sister next to me in age (there's two brothers between us, which makes her a little over 9 years older than me), but growing up, I don't remember us being especially close. My next older sister was the one who was like my second mom -- we shared a bedroom and she combed my hair and I cried sadly when she went off to teach school in Virginia. Somewhere along the line though, Rach and I became close. Maybe, it was when I grew up and we were the same size and shared dresses and shoes. Maybe, it was when we lived in the same community after I was married. Maybe, it was after my mom died and Rach became my main source of connection with the world I had moved away from. For sure, it's been the last couple of years, watching her and Steven's story unfold and realizing how much alike we are in some ways and how very different in others. 

I feel so, so privileged to have been able to spend that week in Arkansas before the wedding. God worked out a ride for my girls and I, so we didn't have to drive out alone, and Chris was way more than generous with encouraging me to go and leave him and the boys behind. Forever grateful. It was such a good week. 

I'll share a few pictures, but I won't even try to do justice. It's not my wedding to share for one thing. Also, I couldn't begin to tell it all.  Rach is a woman of unbelievable creativity and sentimental attention to detail and the wedding was so perfectly her, it makes me get tears every time I look through my pictures again.

The venue was a little ol Arkansas church built in 1907. 

(And that is a tiny, little puzzle, made by a niece for the children's treasure hunt bags)

They kept the guest list to right around 100, and the effect was a relaxed, informal, "family gathering" kind of atmosphere.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. 

And now, it's home to the real world. My emotions have been all over the place and I'm still catching up on my sleep but life goes on and we all go along with it...... 

PS. I'm sorry, Ohio. Arkansas is still the most beautiful place in the world. The End. 

A Winner and A Few Other Tid-bits

I loved having all of you participate in last week's giveaway! I only wished later that I had asked you to answer some kind of interesting question to enter. That always makes reading the comments so fun, but I usually have a hard time coming up with a good question. 

Anyway. Without further ado. 

The winner for Luci's book Turtle Heart was: "I believe I would enjoy reading this book. Please enter me in the drawing. Thanks. Linda Rose"

Linda Rose has been a faithful reader (and comment-er) here for a very long time! She has frequently sent me encouraging emails as well. I think it is very fitting that her comment was chosen! Congratulations and I hope you enjoy the book 🙂 Email me your mailing address, and I will pass the info on to Luci. 

* * * * * * * * 

We have been having absolutely gorgeous fall weather. When I can stop my mind from screaming, "No! Help! Stop! Summer is leaving!!" I can actually enjoy it. 

We took a family bike ride one evening last week...

Excuse the blurry video screenshot...

It was a beautiful evening!

The girls took it upon themselves to bring some "fall" indoors another evening, while I was away...

(The black and white drawings are by Jasmine, and yes, she is amazing. They will be for sale in a few weeks at our school auction so, see you there!)

On yet another lovely evening, my girls and I had a little "photo shoot", just for fun...

Now this is how my camera roll looks...

It's fun to have daughters for friends. 

And now, if you will excuse me, we have a trip and a wedding and a big week coming up and I still have fifty-eleven things on my to do list....